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Thursday, August 9, 2012

"Free Bird"

This week flew by, and I am having major writer's block.....  I am trying to spend as much time with my parents as I can...  My dad's health scare, and being in the CCU for a couple of days really shook me up.  He is still very weak, and isn't bouncing back as quickly as he has bounced back from things before.  My Ryan said last night that he thinks I am depressed.  I could be....Heck I don't know anymore.  I want to write, but I have very little time for myself right now.  I have to lock myself in my room, and just start writing.....  And I will ;-)


Monday, August 6, 2012

You find out who your friends are......

Do you ever wonder if those you think are your friends, are really your friends?  When that person you think is your friend says, you can call me anytime?  Let me know if you need something, and I will be there for you?  I never really thought a lot about it until recently.  My friends are so different...  They all have unique personalities, and qualities that I love.  That is what makes them who they are, and why I call them my friends.  But lately I have been thinking about this a lot.  The ex-boyfriend.....  When I was with him, he would say if you can't get this done or that done to let him know, and he would be right there to help.  Well that either didn't happen, or I paid hell getting the help from him.  WTF??  So since we ended things in the bf/gf aspect, I have found that being friends with him can't work either.  We can talk, and catch up on things, then he will turn on me.  No provocation.....  He will say he can't do it.  In other words, he can't be a friend.  He gets a little excited when his youngest son tells him, dad, you have no friends.  He doesn't grasp it.  But his son is right.  What friends he has tolerate his crap.  His relationships don't last long, he has very few friends, and he wonders why......  So back to friendships.  When you ask your friends to be there for you, are they?  I am realizing more and more......I have friends, then I have FRIENDS.  The ones I know I can count on, and those that we just enjoy pleasantries.....  I am going to think about this a little more, and write about it again ;-)


Sunday, August 5, 2012

Just a little bit more time.......

Boy, did my weekend get way off track!  I woke up Saturday morning to a phone call that my dad was being rushed to the hospital.  He was admitted into the CCU, and that set the course for my weekend.  I love my dad soooo much!  I was so scared.  Still am........  I've been doing a lot of soul searching and praying.  I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained.  Please stick with me.....  I will sit down tomorrow night, and write like a crazy woman ;-)


Saturday, August 4, 2012

Just for fun and laughs.....

Yesterday I tripped getting out of my car when I was coming back from my lunch break.  Some how I managed to get the heel of my right sandal caught on the cuff of the left side of my slacks.  Some how I was able to yank my heel loose before I fell, and caught myself with my weight on my right leg.  I bruised something inside, or pulled a muscle, or something.  Whatever I did, my right upper thigh and butt cheek hurts!  WTF??  OMG......  So this morning when I was getting ready for work, I was trying to do casual, but not too casual because the big boss was in all day, and we had a staff meeting this morning.  So I had a pair of bermuda type khaki shorts on with a wedged heel sandal.  So here I am limping around my office.  I was getting a few strange looks, and co-workers asking what was wrong.  I am so sure they thought it was my sandals.  So, finally I just told them what happened.  I was so sure someone had probably seen it anyway.  I mean it was really one of those laugh at yourself moments.  Then a couple of the girls in the office said they couldn't look at me limping without laughing....  So here I went from having their sympathy to being their comic relief.  I know.......I is laugh your a*% off worthy......  This was just the icing on MY cake this week.  Having been a week riddled with migraines, stress, and the almost "trip and fall".  I swear there is never a dull moment in my life.......  I am just hoping I survive the weekend :-/ 


Thursday, August 2, 2012

"My"graines............... :-(

Migraines........Ugh.......whoever thought of that gene, must have been suffering from a migraine and not thinking in the right frame of mind!  I have been battling headaches all week.  Two days of which escalated into full blown migraines.  Not good.  Some how I managed to work, write, and function.....well all except the second day.  I caved and came home from work a couple of hours early.  Where am I going with this?  Heck......I don't even know.  I seem to have gotten caught up with phone calls, and im's tonight and because my brain is fuzzy......I'm having an issue with putting two thoughts together.  But I really wanted to write something tonight!  Not fair......  I am going to go to bed.  Get through my Friday, and veg out this weekend, and get my writing on.  Sounds like a plan to me ;-)


Wednesday, August 1, 2012

"Tale as old as time........."

I'm not sure if I've blogged on the whole fairy tale thing as a whole, or just bits and pieces here and there.  There are just times when things happen, or something comes to mind, and I think......I want to write about this.  More times than not, it comes back to love, romance, sex, or something like that....

When I was wrapping things up earlier this evening at work, the younger crew which is the majority in my office were scurrying around laughing, and excited about something.  I asked what was going on.  They said they had tickets to go see "Beauty and the Beast" at a local convention type center that has plays and concerts.  I watched as they chatted and talked about their outfits.  They are all under 30 of course.  They were little girls when Disney released the "Beauty and the Beast".  Well, the version as most know it.  I taught preschool back when that movie was released, and one of my former students (who would now be about the age of these girls) who cried over the Beast.  She loved him......  She would cry for him with huge tears running down her face.  It was really very touching.  So I decided to ask these young co-workers of mine what it was about "Beauty and the Beast" they liked.  Was it the fantasy of finding their "Beast" or "Prince Charming"?  One said, she had always loved that movie from when she was a little girl.  Another said, I'm not really sure, but I love it.  They both had dreamy smiles on their faces.  I thought back to watching "Cinderella".  The way it made me feel when she got to finally be with her "Prince Charming" and the way I hoped that it would happen for me one day.  I always wondered if every little girl felt that way, and while I can't speak in terms of "EVERY" little guess is that, yes, all little girls believe in the fairy tale.  We want that fairy tale.  We want the strong man to be there for us.  To sweep us off of our feet.  Woo us.....  We don't want the bad relationships, the criticism, the hurt and pain.  We want the love that is going to last forever.  And don't you just know that the Beast and Prince Charming were excellent lovers??  I mean they have to be.  They are perfect in every way, right?  I'm am closer to 50 than not, and I am still holding out for my Prince Charming, or maybe my Beast.  Hey......I'm a dreamer, and a believer.  It could still happen ;-)


Monday, July 30, 2012

A few pounds go a long way.......

I was flipping through the radio stations on my morning drive to work today.  I came across one of the local stations who were talking about men leaving their wives and girlfriends because they gained weight.  Imagine that....  So I am driving along, listening to the male DJ and the women calling in, and thinking the whole time....I feel a blog coming out of this.  It took me back to marriage number three.  As I wrote before, hubby number three was good looking and quite charming.  I met him around the time my Ryan turned one.  I had gained a little over a 100 lbs during my pregnancy.  I remember going into my doctor to have my staples removed from stomach from the c-section, and telling him I had to have diet pills to help me lose the weight.  He told me that he didn't believe in prescribing diet pills, but knowing what I looked like before I got pregnant, he prescribed them.  So when I met hubby number three, I had already lost about 75 of those gained pounds, and didn't look too bad.  A lot of people always said I was too skinny anyway.  So after we were married, I added back some extra pounds when I would go through depression because I would find out about another one of his affairs.  Then I would turn around and take it off again.  I guess the hubby didn't trust that I would be able to take it off one of the times, and started forcing workouts on me......  I didn't mind working out at all, but it was the abusive force he put me through.  So I did extensive workouts daily with the hubby standing over me.  I built muscles and had decent abs.  So, as I am listening to this radio show......I am thinking the same as most of the women calling in.  What happened to love.....  The days when you actually married for love.  Has love, marriage and relationships become that disposable?  I mean, really?  There are no guarantees when you have a tiny body that you will keep that body forever.  I never thought I would gain as much weight as I did in my pregnancy, and not be able to lose it all.  Husband number two accepted my weight.  He knew me when I was tiny.  He knew I wasn't happy with my weight, but he still accepted me for me.  I remember back after divorce number three, I had a lost weekend with the ex.  He told me that the weight thing wasn't because he didn't accept me, but because when I gained weight, my attitude got worse.  Now that I think about it.  It probably did.  What guys don't understand is what women go through over the whole weight thing.  My weight has never gotten in the way of my ability to do things.  I am a very active person.  One of the female DJ's asked the male why wouldn't you just pay for her to go to the gym or have a personal trainer.  He never gave her a straight answer.  I guess it would be too much to spend a little money on the woman you so-call love, but spend that money on a new girl.  I am still shaking my head over this one.  The DJ's said there had been a poll taken, and 65% of the male population agrees that they would leave their woman if she gained weight.  I don't know.......  It doesn't make me want to go starve myself for a relationship.  What about you?


Saturday, July 28, 2012

It's that time of the year again.........

So today was one of the two family reunions that I attend each summer.'s that time of the year again.  This one was for my dad's side of the family.  His family is smaller, and this year was very discouraging.  The normal packed out Rec Center, was very bare!  Still tons of food, but very few people.  Leave it to the families of the deep south to still have a lot of food.  They are always prepared to feed an  So this day has kicked my butt!!  Birthday weekend, class reunion weekend, and family reunion weekend.  Next weekend I get a reprieve, then it will be another family reunion weekend.  At least that one is local.......Yayyy..........  All the activity has thrown me off with my thought process and my writing.  I think when I finally close my eyes tonight, I will drift off to never never land, and stay there until I have to get up for work on Monday morning.....  Nahhh......  I will emerge with a new breath of fresh air!!  and just like that......I'm out for the night!!


Thursday, July 26, 2012

Too tired to talk.......

I've been thinking about all the relationships I've had over the years.......The ones that really meant something, and those that I could have done without.  So once again I was asked, what is love?  Do we really know?  I look at my parents and I see love.  Actually you feel the love around them.  I still don't think love like that comes around everyday.  I think when you find that person who captures your heart in a big way, you should hold on tight.  Try to make it work no matter what.  This has been on my mind for a couple of days again.  I really didn't want to go down this road because it just depresses me.  I am doing pretty good now.  I am kind of beating around the bush here, because I am not in the mood to write about anything specific, you know?  I am over tired right now.  I need to give the brain a rest.  So I am off to slumber land, and I'll catch you later ;-)


Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Time flies.......

When you're having fun.  In between my life going all different directions recently, I had a birthday.  Yes, that's right.  I turned the big 48.  I just don't feel older.  I feel very young.  I've never had a problem with aging.  I think I get better with age.  I did have this set back when I turned 25, which turned out to be a moment of insanity. happens to the best of us!  So.....reports say that 40 is the new 20.  Therefore, I am really 28.  Right?  Well, I breezed right through my birthday.  It was good.......with the exception of the hairdresser chopping my hair off.  I mean completely off!  And then some jerk backed into my car.  I guess it really was just a memorable birthday.  Lots of well wishes, and good stuff.  So recently there was the birthday weekend and the reunion weekend.  I have a family reunion this coming weekend.  It's my dad's side of the family.  I always try to go to that one no matter what.  So three busy weekends in a row.  That's not so good.  I'm not getting enough "me" time in.  I'm thinking about working in a sex weekend.  Yep......  I sure am.  I know...I know...  Cover your ears if you can't handle it.  I am not used to being NOT sexually active.  I miss it.  I need it.  I just need to find the right person who is a willing partner, you know?  When you've had the pretty good stuff for so long, it is hard to find something to fill that void.  I don't want to just jump into something with someone......and it be done out of loneliness, or it to be empty or baseless.......  You know what I'm saying.  I want passion.......  I want it all......  That is asking for a lot, but dammit.....  I am going to find it, if it kills me......  Just watch and see ;-)


Sunday, July 22, 2012

30 years later.......

I still remember my first day of school.  I remember my mom walking me into that kindergarten classroom, and pointing to all the children that I knew from before I then.....  Children that I went to birthday parties with.  It didn't matter, I was still shy!  I remember walking over to the little kitchen area which house a little wooden sink, stove and refrigerator.  There were baby dolls and all that girly stuff.  My mom kind of nudged me over there.  I really wanted to play with the blocks.....  So, this is where I started my school journey.  I went to school with most of these kids through the middle of my 10th grade year, when I was being bullied, and my parents could not get anyone to do a thing about it.  The easy way out was to say, we can transfer Susie to whatever school in the county she wants to go............Ugh!!  I wanted to graduate with these kids.  The ones I grew up with.  The ones I had called friends since I was 5 years old (some longer).  So, when the wonderful world of Facebook reconnected me to a lot of my old friends.......I was elated!  Then of course came the invitation to our 30th class reunion.  I was so excited!  Well, I have just completed 4 days of events for my 30 year class reunion.  There were some unexepected, unpredictible moments, but what a fun time it was!  The movie "Never Been Kissed" came to mind on the first night.  We took a trolley ride to the beach.....  The trolley was like a party bus for us.  As we were on the drive back to where our cars had been parked, and I watched my former classmates laughing and talking, and more......  I was taking it all in, as I did the whole weekend.  The end of that movie was so true.  There will always be those girls who look the same as they did in high school.  There will always be that group who is dancing the beat of their own drum, there are the nerds (or geeks), the ones who will always be the class clown, and the ones who will always be the life of the party.  You see those ones you had a crush on, and the fun memories come rushing back.......  But you all come together.  You hear what your friends have been up to.  You share pictures and stories, and you feel like you want to live in the moment forever.  Our big event on Saturday night couldn't happen without the MOST excitement.  A storm moved in, and our outdoor party had to be very quickly moved inside.  It didn't happen without being soaked from head to toe.  All we could do was laugh.....  We invaded the inside of the restaurant where their other patrons were eating, and they were very accomodating.  But close quarters is an understatement.  Cameras flashing, and many non-flattering pictures were being taken.  I got corned by a classmate who had been watching me for 2 nights.....Yikes!  He went for a hug, and I was going to be courteous and hug him back, like I did with everyone else, but I wasn't quite ready for his drunk confessions or professions of his attraction for me.  He kissed my neck, and went for the mouth more than once, all the while me peeling his hands off of me.  Only to turn around and see my girlfriends laughing at the whole scene.  What happened to the term "I've got your back, girl"?  Like, really......girls you could have helped out!  LOL!!  I finally broke free, and went over and asked if he was married.  I didn't want some angry wife coming over, and clawing my eyes out.  LOL!!!  Overall it was an amazing time.  I am already looking forward to the 40th reunion.  I think we will have to just bite the bullet and hire a party planner.  I think it will be a lot less stressful to those who try to organize.  I encourage anyone who has a class reunion coming to go for it.  Don't worry about what you might look like now.  Just go and have a good time!


Monday, July 16, 2012

My endless love......

When I was just eight years old, I met the cutest little nine year old boy in the world.  My family made move to South Georgia for a short period of time, and we started going to the same church his family attended.  I think it was love at first sight.  He had this beautiful smile, blue eyes, and kind of blonde hair back then.  So.....he wanted me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes.  Even though I was shy, and was afraid to talk to him.  He told one of my older brothers that he was going to marry me one day.  Clearly a bad case of puppy love ;-)  My sister ended up falling in love with his first cousin, and became engaged.  My family moved back to Florida, but my sister stayed there.....planning her wedding, and leaving me to fend for myself with the parents and  Due to wedding planning, and all that good stuff, we made frequent trips back to Georgia.  So I got to see my "boyfriend".  My sister decided to make me a junior bride, and my little boyfriend was the junior groom.  My mom made my dress identical to my sister's wedding gown.  I even had a vail!  How cool was that?  So the boy and I have an actual wedding picture too!  This set the course for my transitioning from girl into my womanhood.  He and I spent all our school holidays together because I would go stay with my sister.  My summer vacations were spent with him.  We went horseback riding, fishing, and all that good stuff together.  Then those crazy unpredictable things we call hormones decided to rear their ugly head.....  Lord have mercy!  It was like one summer we were in our awkward phase, and the next he was handsome, and I was developing into my young woman body.  There was definite admiration on both our parts.  It was at this time that we started exploring....  experimenting....  He had been telling me since I was eight years old that we were going to get married when we grew up.  That was back when I still believed in the fairytale.  I knew that we were too young to be fooling around, but there was chemistry at our young ages.  It started with the kiss, progressing to the touching, and then getting a little naked.  Then it happened.  It was Spring Break in my sophmore year of high school.  I was fifteen and he was sixteen.  My best friend had gone to Georgia with me.  He set her up with his best friend, and we would go out.  It was a couple of days before we were to leave to come home, and it happened.  I gave myself to him.  After all he had been telling me for like eight years that he was going to marry me.  I remember freaking out, and thinking that my mom would be able to tell that I was no longer a virgin.  I made my bff watch me walk down the hall to see if she could tell a difference.  She thought I was stupid!  Come on.....we were only fifteen years old......LOL!!  This set the course for the next three years of my life.  When I went to Georgia, we couldn't wait to have our alone time where we could express our love for each other.  It was during his senior year and my junior year that we started dating others.  After all we were teenagers, and he was there, and I was here.  We some how always managed to breakup with them when it came time for us to see each other for a holiday or vacation.  Then in the middle of my senior year, he called me right before my Christmas break.  He told me that he wanted to marry me.  I said, I can't marry you, I haven't even graduated from high school yet.  He had a good job by small town standards, and said he made enough to support us while I went to school.  He said I could go to school there.  It was spontaneous, and I was kind of going along with it.  I went to stay with my sister, and he and I spent all of our time together when he wasn't working.  By the end of the break, we agreed that I would come home, finish school, and we would get married that summer after I graduated.  It never happened......  He got involved with someone he worked with.  It broke my heart.  He was really serious about her, and he told me that he would be proposing to her.  I got more involved with the guy I had been seeing back home.  He wasn't good for me....but it helped cover my heartbreak.  I ended up moving to Georgia after I graduated.  I continued to sneak around and see my childhood sweetheart while he was engaged to the other girl.  Then he got married.  I got married.  We connected when both of our marriages went down the drain.  We seemed to always reconnect when we were in between relationships.  He told me that if ever I got pregnant, and the baby's daddy wouldn't have anything to do with me, he would marry me and raise the child.  Well, when I found out I was pregnant with my son, he had just married his second wife.  Our paths were always connected because his cousin was married to my sister.  One day we were talking, and he jokingly said, I was your first, I will be your last.  Then he said, when you're on your death bed, call me......I know....It was wild!!  I have always said he was my soulmate.  We couldn't have ever made it, but he was truly my first love......  It was like after him, nothing else mattered.  That set the course for my youthful, immature mistakes.......  But, I've survived.  That is what matters.  I often wonder what it would be like to be with him now just once as a real grown-up.  Just to see....You know?


Sunday, July 15, 2012

I've lost it!

When I said a while back that I always have a story......I'm not lying.  Only this story took me away from my greatest passion, writing.  I honestly believe I have gone through some type of breakdown....Whether it was mentally, emotionally, or whatever.  My life has not been my own.  I have been this person standing outside of my body watching myself go through daily motions, and not feeling a damn thing.  I'm still not completely myself.....  I now have a PERMANENT job.  I love it.  I'm happy.....  I mean as happy as one can be still feeling empty inside.  I continue to be positive, because the only other alternative is to be mean spirited......and I refuse to do that!  I mean.....  I could, and sometimes I do...but I really try hard not to.  I have been thinking of getting back on track with "my" story.  I have so much to tell, so I am going to tell it.  My 30 year class reunion begins later this week, and moves through the weekend.  So since I write about best about relationships and love, I'm going to talk about the men of my life ;-)


Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Knock - Knock are you there??

I seem to be having more lows than highs these days.  I feel like I am on the outside of my own body watching this person I've become.......  A total stranger.  I am no longer working at the job that I thought would be my dream job.  That ended about a month ago.  That was a shocker.  I was so sure that I had that one in the bag.  Things happen though, and can't be changed.  I am back to that whole not sleeping thing.  I temp here and there, but it's not enough.  I pray daily......  I keep thinking that bigger plan that God has for me should be here by now, right?  I am faithful with the job search.  I think some of my family don't think I am, but I am.  Not only does "unemployment" require you to prove that up, I am not a good stay at home person, and I am committed to find an awesome job.  I've been asked by more than one family member if I am looking outside of my career choice.  Okay........HELLO........yes I am.  But going outside of my field is going to be more difficult to get hired and for a lot less pay.  I would be better off to apply for positions inside my field, but different areas.  At least my pay would be a little bit better than going into a field I have NO experience in, but I do apply outside of my field.  I do have a job that I am waiting to get a confirmation on.  It's more local, and the interview was fantastic.  It is a good fit.  The only problem is............he is taking his time confirming.  I did get a text from him last week, saying I am still his #1 choice, and asked me to be patient.  Well patience is wonderful when you have back-up reserve and/or a working spouse or significant other at home helping relieve the financial burden.  I guess I do need to be patient, as good things come to those who wait, right?  I think coming back here, and starting back with my writing might be what I need.  It is an expression of who I am.  Doing what I love to do.  Great therapy!  Before I go, let me throw a little spice in here ;-)  I think I am finally ready to get comfortably back into the dating scene.  Be open to new things.  New guys.......  We'll see. should make for some interesting


Saturday, May 12, 2012

Hi, I'm Suzanna.......

Being someone who loves to write, and usually not a at a loss for words, I have been lost in translation somewhere.  I have so much to say, but at a loss of what to write.  I have been famously neglecting my blog.  I have been thinking a lot though.  I have been really hard on myself.  I take responsibility a lot for things.  I have found that it's just easier to (wo)man up when something is bad or going wrong, and just say.....I'm sorry, or it was my fault.  The thing about it is, that in my twisted sense of thinking I am here believing by me doing this, it will make the other person was me, or I was wrong.  It just doesn't happen that way.  I am so over taking responsibility for actions that are not my fault.  Apologizing for something that I didn't do.  I don't do bad things to others.  I don't try to hurt people.  I am so honest that it's sick!  I am tired of always looking like the victim.  And more than likely......if you piss me off........I'm going to tell you.  So this is my welcome back to my blog.  I am going to write when I can.....  Tell my story, whether good or bad.  Just get my blog on ;-)


Sunday, April 1, 2012

Fixing me one moment at a time........

I'm broken, and I don't know how to fix me....  I put on this happy face and project this positive attitude, all the while feeling deep down inside that I am slowly losing sight of who I really am.  I try to find that good in the bad that is always happening.  Never really trying to get to the bottom of why things are really happening to me....  Well, yesterday I had me a mini meltdown which ended with me buying a pair of cute sandals that I wanted.  However, it came from something much deeper.  It started with the proverbial anxiety/panic know......the pressure on your chest?  Gasping for air, and trying to catch your breath?  Then the tingling sensation at that corners of your eyes when you know you're going to cry?  Yep.....  Then the flood gates?  Tears washing down your face?  That was me!  Oh lordy.....  It was.......  I must have really pissed someone off in a past life, and my karma is coming around to bite me in the ass now!  Then I went to the whole......I'm a good person.  I help others when I can.  I don't defraud the government.  I'm honest.  I don't do drugs.  I very rarely drink.  I believe in God.  I pray.  I live a good life.  However.......  I seem to be having a problem with jobs and men.  I've prayed about this.  I'm a believer that good things are yet to come.  But I've also come to the conclusion that I just might die a very poor and lonely woman.  I am allowed to feel sorry for myself.  This blog is for my own selfish reasons.....  It's all about me.  I am thinking this in part could be coming from the fact that I am going into 4 months with NO sex!  Which is a new record for me......  I am probably one of the most sexual beings on this earth, and I am fast going into my cranky, winey phase now.....  Back in the day.....  a one night stand would work right about now, but I'm not into that anymore.  That one certain somebody cured me of that.......  Actually he cured me of a lot of things.  Isn't there a song "Love Hurts"......?  Well.....  True love teaches us a lot too.....  Before him, the toys were okay......even now those don't do the trick that much.  I just may be destined for a life of celibacy.....YIKES!!!  Did I just say that???  You see what I'm talking about?  The being broken?  This is insane. the way....  Did I write about being called back to the other firm?  Still temp, but they couldn't do without me.  I went back with a little more money....  Negotiated by the recruiter.  This is wild......  I love the job, and the people I work I will take "temp".  I am just working a lot of hours.  Then I have all these jumbled thoughts on my drive to and from the office.  I get home, and have my man child kid and crazy little psycho puppy greeting me at the door.  There is no rest for the weary.  But it's my life.  I have to take it or leave it.  I take it......It's the life God mapped out for me.  I am working on making it better, and what I want it to be.  It's just taking time.  I don't think any amount of therapy can could fix this......but maybe writing a little more will ;-)


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Am I a Porche?

I know...I know....  It's been a while again :-(   I have been having a lot of problems lately.  I am slowly working through them.......  I promise.  So, as I sat in my car in traffic this morning on my way to work - Yes........  I got a call back to the firm I loved working at.  Just temp again, but I'm told it's indefinite, and will most likely go permanent!!  Yayyy.........

So, as I was saying......I was sitting in traffic, and of course my mind was wandering.  I am a dreamer, and my creative mind is always in overdrive!  Here I was sitting behind a Porshe.  Have you ever noticed that you never see women driving a Porche?  No..........  only men.  Then I started looking at the other vehichles around me.  Trucks....Mercedes, BMW's, etc.  All of them with male drivers.  Those vehicles are rides that make a statement.  So this thought came to my mind.......  A porche has a wide ass end.  Trucks are big.  The other vehicles just scream hot!  Then I literally started laughing.  The thought came to mind.  A man will drive a car with a wide ass, but blows off a woman with one.  It's all about appearance.  So does this mean that men have this secret love for big bottom girls?  Are you scratching your head yet?  That's what I'm talking about.  Maybe men pick those kind of cars because of this deeply hidden desire to be with "real" women.......not Twiggy or Barbie!!  I know, my imagination is outrageous.  I don't have the big bottom, but I have my fluffiness ;-)  So the next time you're sitting in traffic, look around you.........  Think about what kind of car/truck you are.  It can be fun!!


Monday, March 5, 2012


If you've read my earlier blogs, you know I am not perfect.  I made some very bad choices early on in my life.  Ones that can't be changed or undone.  So I wanted my followers who read this not to think I am throwing stones at the house with glass walls (or whatever that saying is).  My first husband and my third husband were both cheaters....  My first husband went on to marry the girl he cheated with.  They are still together.  He did tell me after we were divorced that he should have never married me because he always loved her (they were co-workers).....  So, okay.....  It happens......  He sould have never married me, and I should have never married him....and so on.  Husband number three was just a natural born cheater.  Everytime he took a breath, everytime the wind blew, he cheated.  He told me after our divorce that he could never be faithful to one woman.  He was cheating on his current wife before they got married.  So why am I writing about this?  Because......  I have a very dear friend whose husband is cheating on her.  I had a feeling for some time this was going on, but never said anything.  I listened when she finally called me one night a few months back, and told me she suspected he was "talking" to his high school sweetheart.  This married woman contacted him through his adult son no less.  I listened, and tried to give her words of wisdom, and words of encouragement.  Now as time has passed, and he has finally admitted to the affair, and her calling me totally hysterical after finding out from the woman's husband that she has flown to meet my friend's husband while he is away on business......  I maybe became a little to verbal about things.  She was upset with her one adult son for telling her to divorce his dad.  She was really down on her son.  I told her I could see where he was coming from too.  While we are the only one who can make decisions like divorce or ending relationships in our lives, it still does not stop the ones who love us from wanting our hurt and pain to go away yesterday.  I think because I am her friend, that maybe she took it as a personal attack against her.  I just don't want her cheating husband to destroy her family who is there for her.  I have watched her children grow up from little guys......  My friend is a wonderful God fearing woman.  She loves and prays for everybody.  She has been there so much for me over the past 20 years.  I don't want to fail her now.  I want so bad to take her pain away.  But I see her husband manipulating her.  He is trying to control her while still seeing this other woman.  I have been there.  The crying, saying it will never happen again.  Apologizing profusely.....  You're my best friend.  All the things that are said to put false hope into that person.  She is there.  She is in denial of what he is doing.  I remember even after being cheated third husband possibly being the father of his married lover's baby.....and.....him punching me in my face, I still begged him to let me come back after I had already filed for divorce.  All because I didn't want to live with my parents, and I didn't want to be alone.  I even stooped as low as to ask him if we could be roommates!  Pathetic, huh?  I was pathetic.  Co-dependency is not a good thing.  It's something that we can gain control of, but never conquer.  I went to therapy for it.  But I am still like an alcoholic.  When in a relationship, I tend to give it all....forget about me.  My wants and needs.  I am willing to let myself fall to the side.  So I have to be careful.  I remember too when my parents visited me and my third husband, and my mom saw my husband with someone else.  She did not tell me until a couple of years after my divorce was final.  I asked her why.  She said, because you would not have believed me, and you would have turned on me.  Now I can see she is totally 100% right.  I am there with my girlfriend.  Even though she came to me, my being open with her about what she is going through has put a strain on my friendship with her.  She is all about what her husband is telling her.  But when I asked is willing to let go of "her" (the other woman), all she could say is, we are talking right now and it's good.  I am hoping that my friendship will withstand this hit.  I hope for her sake that things work out the way she wants them to.  I just don't know.  Time will tell I guess.


Monday, February 27, 2012

Would you like a little salt and lime with those toes?

I have never been able to figure out the whole "fetish" thing.  I mean when I get down to business.....  I know exactly what I want, and while yes, I like to change it up here and there to make it interesting.....  I want sex!  I don't want to lay back fully clothed, and let some guy suck my toes.......and actually get off doing it!  I know.......I know........  You're probably wondering what made me write about this.  Well, I will tell you.....  I jumped on that whole online dating bandwagon thing......  I have pretty much tried them all.  Yep.....even some I am not proud of :-/  So, I tried this one, which I believe to be way overpriced not to mention their "formula" for putting personalities together by using some questionnaire does not work.  It put me with this guy.  He was not bad looking.  He is educated, has a successful business, a beautiful home that is beautifully furnished.  So why wouldn't I hook up with him?  We dated....  Never had sex, just dated.  Because he is a fetish guy, and I'm not a fetish gal.  His fetish is feet......mainly TOES......  Yep.  He likes to suck toes.  Oh, he likes his women to wear panty hose with sandals, and his women to shoe a lot of cleavage.  He hates t-shirts on women, and forget flip flops.  Well for me.....I'm a girl who has to dress up for work all week long.  On the weekends in Florida we wear shorts, t-shirts and've got it........FLIP FLOPS!!  I am not a panty hose person.....never have been.  When I have worn them, they usually come off, or my shoes come off and I end up ruining them.  I have worn the thigh high ones with sexy lingerie with hubby #3.  But as a rule I just don't do hose.....  I've always been complimented on the way I dress, so I don't need this freak of a guy telling me how to dress.  And if you get offended easily?  You might want to stop reading here.  this guy and I stopped dating years ago.  We both agreed that we were not mean to be.  However, ever so often he contacts me.  Generally an email or text.  When the ex beau and I were on the outs a couple of years ago was one of the times this other guy contacted me.  He wanted to make me a candle light dinner at his house, etc.  I went over, and he really did go all out on this meal.  It was pretty romantic.  He even had flowers on the table.  When we were finished (he wouldn't let me help him clean the kitchen) we settled into his family room for a movie.  We were talking and getting close, and then he moved down to my feet.  He removed the trouser socks I was wearing, and started massaging my feet and toes.  In a matter of minutes he was sucking my toes.....running his tongue in between them.  I'm sorry, but I want to puke!  So here I am lying on my back against the sofa, sneaking peeks, and then the unthinkable happened.  Yes.......he pulled his piece of manhood......his very tiny piece of manhood out, and starts.......YEP.........jacking off while sucking my toes.  I was disgusted!  I politely pulled my feet away, put back on my socks and shoes, and told him I had to leave.  We didn't talk for a while after that.  Then the emails started again.  I have been successful in derailing him.  Then I get an email from him on Sunday morning.  I responded.  Big mistake!!  So he has asked me out to dinner.  I told him I would go.  I will meet him somewhere CASUAL and FUN.  I will wear shorts, t-shirt and flip flops........  Everything to really piss him off, and he will NOT suck my toes!!  I just don't get it.  I have great boobs......  Why would a guy be turned on my sucking my toes??  YUCK!!  Feel free to weigh in on this whole fetish thing.  Do you like to have your toes sucked?  I'm just sayin'.......


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The end of this road.......

As the saying goes "all good things must come to an end" and my temp to permanent hire job is coming to an end on Friday.  I really like this attorney I have been working for :-(  I will never get why women, when feeling threatened in a work place.......throw others under the bus to so-called protect themselves.  I won't say anymore than that.  So I will be back to square one...looking for a new job.  My sense of place.  I am still holding out for the job that will be the perfect fit.  Better have a book deal dropped in my lap!  I would be so happy to just sit and write like this all day long.  Tell my story....  You know....  So keep your fingers crossed for me that something will come through on the job front........  Otherwise, I'm sure I will be back here singing my sad song loud and clear ;-)  Wait......I might be doing that


Sunday, February 19, 2012

Sometimes I think I write best about love and relationships......  Kind of funny coming from that girl who can't succeed in either......  I love romance, and the whole idea of love.  And just because I have not succeeded in it yet doesn't mean I am going to stop trying or giving up on it.  There is someone out there for everyone.  I believe that.  I was sitting in the lobby of an Olive Garden restaurant tonight with my son.  I was watching all the people walking in and out.  I am a people watcher.  Always wondering what their story is.  So, there were good looking men with ugly women...  There were pretty women with ugly men.  There were bi-racial couples and foreign couples.  Odd couples and all kinds of families.  I looked at some of them did they end up together?  They just don't go together.  Then I got to thinking.  When you fall in love, truly in love........  It doesn't matter if the person gains a little weight or has a few wrinkles...  You just love them.  You accept the good, the bad, the ugly.  This is just the beginning of my thoughts on this.......  It will continue ;-)


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

V-Day or D-Day?

Let's talk about this whole Valentine's Day hype.......  Ever since the first day after Christmas I have watched jewelry commercial after jewelry commercial.  I am literally ready to throw something at the tv!!  As a kid my mom used to buy me a box of candy......sometimes a stuffed animal....  You know, the mommy kind of things they do.  But in all reality...  Valentine's Day has never been my favorite.  Actually, in my adult years I have quite a few expletives that I call it.  Hubby's 1 and 2 did okay with the day for "sweethearts".  It was hubby 3 who did me in.....  No......he couldn't give me jewelry, or anything like that.  Every year we were together he would have a huge shirt box out on the table for me from some lingerie store.  Yes.....  I always got some type of sexy lingerie.  Okay......  I will be the first to admit that I love lingerie......NOW......  But when you're married to the man who ultimately cheats on you every time he takes a breath.....  Sexy lingerie has no meaning coming from him.  I actually cringed wondering if he bought it in bulk.  I mean you're supposed to dress up and be sexy for your man when you know he has been unfaithful time and time again.  I did......  But I was young.  I did everything right.  Occasionally there would be flowers too.  But then again........he ruined it for me with flowers for many years to come.  Everytime he cheated on me.....he would call his mom to order flowers to send to me from him.  No matter how you slice it up......  That all was just wrong!!  Then last year I was with the ex-beau.  He took me to dinner at a very intimate, dimly lit mexican restaurant.  The guy kept coming around with the guitar, playing mexican music.  It was romantic.  But it took us forever to get there.  He had avoided V-Day the previous 2 years......  leaving me to see sappy chick flicks with my only single girlfriend.  But last year was nice, once we got there.  So this year I'm single for real........  I really get sick of seeing those romantic commercials......  I mean after 19+ years of living the single life......  I think I've redeemed myself to finally meet a nice man who doesn't mind spoiling me a little bit.  I mean you would think, right?  To all of you in loving relationships........  Happy Valentine's Day!  To all of you like me?  Misery loves company ;-)


Sunday, February 12, 2012

Trying again......

I'm sorry.....  I have really lost touch with a lot of things that are important to me.  One of them being my blog here.  I went into therapy after divorce #1 and divorce #3.......  I guess I should have considered it with the latest break-up.  I became so self-absorbed in my own little world that I couldn't find the words to write.  I have been going through the motions of day to day life, hoping that something would change.  I almost convinced myself that I was dreaming and things would go back to normal.  They haven't....  I can honestly say that my life, the way I think, the way I feel have dramatically changed.  Think of watching a movie and either fast forwarding it, or rewinding it....  It's fast and squeeky.....  You just want to put your hands over your ears, shut it out and scream for it to stop.  That is how my mind has been for a few months now.  I have all these thoughts going through it, and I just want them to stop.....  I want to scream until I can't scream anymore.......  I want it to go away.  I want to find my happy serene place.  I want to get back to me, and in touch with my thoughts again.  I want to write...... To reach out to people.  I have friends who have rallied around me through this latest scene from my drama filled life.  I am forever grateful.....  They listen and encourage me to get back to what's important.  So I am trying.....  I am going to put on my big girl panties and deal with this head on......  As Olivia Newton John sang in Grease......  "Guess mine is not the first heart broken..."  This is's not always pretty, but it's the way things go.


Sunday, January 29, 2012

When we meet someone new and begin a relationship, do we really think the intimate details we share will one day be thrown back at us?  I know I didn't.  I took the path of being honest and open, only to be scrambling with emotion over it being thrown back in my face.  It feels totally different when you hear it the way that person processed it, and it doesn't sound the same.  It sounds dirty, and almost like your most deepest intimate details of your life have been stolen, and plastered all over a tabloid.  No, he didn't blab it to everyone that I'm aware of, but the way he said things back to me....  I just knew either he was trying to hurt me, or he just didn't get it.  I felt violated.  When I finally met the one I felt comfortable enough with, and happy with to share things with after many years of being alone......  I shared.  Not only was it that I wanted to share, but he asked things, and I was honest.  Because of this, I will be back to square one on my trust issues.  Because of things I had gone through in past relationships, trust is not one of my stronger suits.  I let my guard down with him.  I felt he was the one.  I thought if I don't, I might be passing on the best thing that could ever happen to me.  I keep trying to let go of this, but it's hard.  I broke down and emailed him about the things he had thrown back at me.  I shouldn't have felt I needed to defend myself or make excuses.  I am real......what you see in me is it.  Of course he won't respond.  I really don't want him to.  I just wanted him to know that he had hurt me even more.  His words when he wrote me what he did was......I don't hate you.  I care about you.  Really now?  Then why this?  Why throw things out there, and then expect me to go away quietly?  I really do like to think I am super woman, but that's a big cape to fill, and I am just not up to it these days......  This is just something weighing heavy on my mind.  I am not ready to go into detail what trust he violated, but it hit me hard.  Almost like his perception of me is something so far fetched.  He knows me, and he knows I am not like others he has been involved with.  So why this?  Ugh...........  I think I'm going to blog about something wild the next time.......  Gotta get this all out of my system!!  What do you think?

I have been away........wayyyy too long!  I mean in the sense I haven't connected with my followers, and such.  As you all know, I have been on this crazy roller coaster ride for a few months.  Ups and downs.....starting with my parent's accident, my Ryan being sick, my job loss, and being dumped for the 999th time.  Not good......  I've been thinking a lot, and doing a lot of soul searching.  My mind is so jumbled.  Kind of like one of those metal baskets that hold the bingo numbers, and when the person drawing a number and spins the basket it around, it's just this jumbled up mess.......  A lot of noise...  So I am going to tell you a little about where I am now, and then get back on track.  My parents are doing dad does have to have surgery on his knee, but for the most part the folks are great.  My Ryan is doing much better since he got the kidney stone broken up and removed.  Being dumped is not a good feeling at all...........  But the new job, while still temporary, is going great!  I am hoping the temporary changes to permanent soon.  I am one of those people who needs consistency in my life when it comes to work and love.  I like to try new things.....experiment, you know?  But I need to know I have a steady income (thus job security) and one man in my life to complete my circle of life.  I just don't do good out there on the dating scene.  I'm no good a juggling men.  Nor do I want to.  I hate dating websites with a passion.  I used to be on "some".  But seeing the same men on every one of them..........with some totally different profile made my stomach turn.  I was always consistent with my profile.  Rambling.......that is what this is.  All because I am working up to bigger and better things.  If that makes sense.  Right now, I am falling asleep.  So I will head on to bed.......  I will be back tomorrow.


Thursday, January 26, 2012


I need me time!!  I am so glad tomorrow is Friday, and the weekend is here.  I am literally wiped out.  So I was supposed to have big plans this weekend, and I do not feel up to it.  I am bummed about a lot of things, and really need me time.  I had a cousin who was killed in an auto accident last night.  It's weird, but I really didn't know know him.  I grew up with his older siblings, but I haven't been around him.  So, while he is a first cousin, I feel weird about not really knowing him.  Got a lot on my mind........  So I may just veg out and write this weekend.  I'm thinking about talking about some things that are out of the norm for me.....  What do you think?  Let's see if I can pull it off ;-)


Monday, January 23, 2012


Yes, slacker..........that would be me!  I am working 12 hour days, and literally exhausted by the time I get home.  I was going to sit down with my thoughts this past weekend, but it didn't happen.  So I wanted to check in here.......see how things are going.  Maybe tomorrow I will come home, play with my puppy, then lock myself in my room and blog.....  I owe you all that ;-)  Also, if I don't do it soon........I'm sure my brain will short circuit!  I kid you not.  I have got to get to writing my thoughts down soon..... So enjoy your week, and check back with me........


Thursday, January 19, 2012

I got a job!

I got a job!  Granted it's only a temp to permanent hire :-/  Keep your fingers crossed for me though......I am going into day 2.  So, of course getting back to work after being lazy, depressed, and feeling disgusting.  I am adjusting.  I will be sitting down this weekend, and catching you up on things, as well as sharing some thoughts of right where I am at on the emotional level and stuff.  So watch out ;-)


Sunday, January 15, 2012

Between being sick and visiting family, I have neglected my blog here.  I'm finally getting over being ill.  My fever gone for 3 days.  My sister, and her oldest granddaugther, my great niece came to visit.  We have had the most awesome time.  My niece, her younger sister, and I used to have what we called sleepovers when I would go visit my sister years ago.  But since I've been through job changes, and my Ryan being sick, I just haven't gotten to visit like I used to.  So my niece is now 16.  She is such a beautiful young lady.  We have had a blast this weekend.  We have Facebooked back and forth, and laughed until we couldn't laugh anymore........and we have eaten NON-stop!!  I really needed this weekend.  I miss that part of my family time.  I hadn't seen my sister in a while, and it was all just what the doctor ordered.  Still........through my down time, I have had a lot going on in my mind.  I will be sitting down, and sharing really soon.  So once again.......I ask......please don't give up on me.  I will be back ;-)


Sunday, January 8, 2012

I miss her so much.......

My Aunt Dottie.....  I've mentioned her a lot since I first began blogging.  She was my mom's younger sister.  She and my Uncle Johnny were listed in my parent's Will when we were minors to be our guardians should anything happen to my parents back then.  Not only was she my mom's sister, but my mom's best friend.  She was like a second mom to us kids.  She never wanted any child to feel left out.  She said she remembered my mom and dad never leaving her children out, and others who helped during hard times, so when she was able to help others, she did.  I just remember her always being there for me.  She was there for me when I first broke it to my parents I was getting married to husband #1, she was there when I called my mom to tell her I was pregnant with my Ryan, and everytime I hit rock bottom she was there to listen and offer me advice.  I remember that time I was talking about finding a man who makes me happy....  She said, have to find happiness within yourself.....  Only you can make yourself happy.  She told me that a man can add and enhance, but the happiness comes from within.  I remember freaking out when the guy in an upstairs apartment from me called DCF on me and reported me for child abuse on my Ryan.  Of course it wasn't abuse, and it was resolved.  It goes back to not knowing what was wrong with Ryan then, and knowing he is a high functioning autism (Asperger's Syndrome).  When I called her she said, Susie, cooperate with them.  Show them that you have done nothing wrong.  I did, and it was unfounded, and they got me in to see a counselor for Ryan.  She was just always there.  When we were kids, and intrigued with the myth of "Bigfoot"....she went right along with it.  There was a movie, and she loaded us kids up in my parent's big station wagon, and took us to see that movie at the dollar theater.  On the way home she drove down a dark road by a cemetary near our house.  The battery chose that moment to go dead.  We thought she was just playing around with us, but she wasn't.  She went to a house and called mom and dad.  My dad came there, and jump started the car..........fussing all the way.  She laughed with us all the way back home.  I only have the fondest of memories.  What brought these thoughts on tonight?  You all know I've been sick.  So, all my friends on Facebook have been telling me to make a hot toddy to see if that would help knock this stuff out.  Well, my Aunt Dottie made them for me back when I was in my 1st marriage...... Husband #1 always called her when I got sick.  There were a couple of times he had to drive over and pick her up, but she was always ready to take care of me.  She sat up with me a many of nights.....  So tonight as I was making me one, I broke down.  I really miss her.  It's like I can hear her voice as if she were right here beside me now.  When she was diagnosed with cancer years ago it was devistating.  But God spared her for 2 years.  He gave her time to get her business in order, and give us time to get used to the idea that she would be gone.  I still don't think any amount of time would prepare us for that.  I was dusting the other day, and picked up a picture of her and my Uncle Johnny.  They looked so happy together.  She was well when the picture was taken.  That's how I try to remember her.  But I know at times like this, for each of us in the family, that we remember her warmth and love.  I know one day my mom and I were talking, and remembering.  We both broke down crying.  I know she is in heaven sitting with Grandma and my other family members....  She is probably smiling down on me right now.......  I am going to be okay........  But I miss her so much.........


Saturday, January 7, 2012

About last night.......

So he and I decided to part ways for good this time.  For me it's a very unhealthy relationship.  Sometimes loving someone too much is not enough.  So, I gave him my word that I would not contact him again, and I meant it........  I had prayed and handed everything over to God, and I meant it.....  It was out of my control now.  So last night was very restless for me as I am still sick, and running a fever.  So after tossing and turning I got up, and got my laptop, and booted up for a long night ahead.  It was actually the wee hours of the morning at this time.  So no more than I had signed on to my messenger I received an instant message from him.  It said, hey baby you there??  I was still fuzzy, and looked again.  The picture on his messenger was not his picture.  It was a woman's body.....  Not showing her face, but below the neck down, and she had her legs pulled up to her.  She was in a skin tight dress, and stiletto heals.  Underneath it had something like having fun, and her name was Gabby.  So, I asked if it was him, and she says 24/female, you?  I said I was a very close friend of his.  She came back with I'm sorry, I forget what I am doing sometimes.  At this point I figured he had been hacked.  I had received an email from him last week, and we had discussed it.  I deleted the email, and never brought it up again.  A couple of years ago we had this happen as well, but it was someone soliciting for their weightloss product.  He did some virus/add-a-ware scans, changed passwords, and we didn't have any problems with it until now.  So I told this person I knew she had hacked his messenger, and I had reported her.  I then texted him with the specifics.  Of course I didn't hear anything from him.  I'm sure he thought it was trumped up just to talk to him.  But quite frankly.......since I prayed about all of this I haven't been anxious, or anything like that about him.  What did bother me is that he was not concerned at all about being hacked, and this hoochie mama contacting decent people.  I don't want someone contacting me under his name.  The hurt and pain is there from this final breakup has been tough enough.  I just don't need to deal with this.  Out of respect to me I thought he would apologize and let me know that he was taking care of it, but no.......I've heard nothing, and I am sure not going to contact him anymore.  So.....  I think it's safe to say that I am a little over last night.  No tears........  He lost the best thing he ever had!  It's over just like that!


Friday, January 6, 2012

Double Blessings......

Today was Epiphany.......  It's a Greek holiday (Feast Day).  Look it up on Wikipedia.  I grew up one town away from where one of the biggest celebrations take place.  I finally got to attend one of the celebrations a few years back.  Today, I took my Ryan.  Yes, we're both very sick, but we braved the crowds to go see the young men dive for the cross.  Two of my very dear friends had sons who were diving.  I had gotten up this morning really not thinking that Ryan and I would go.  But there was a small chain of events that put my faith into perspective.....  I have been in such a struggle with many things in my life recently that I truly felt I could not recover from any of it.  There have been so many times that I have literally been ready to throw my hands up in the air, and give up.  This morning was one of those times.  I finally had the breakdown that I knew was right there on the horizon.  I had read my cousin's recent blog, and she was talking about completely letting things go....turning everything over to God.  It hit very close to home.  I have always prayed and said Lord, I am putting this or that in your hands.  And while I thought what I was doing was didn't feel right.  This morning I was of the mindset that if I am going to hit rock bottom, and lose everything......Then I am going to pray, and I am going to hand everything over to you Lord.  You have never failed me, and I don't believe you will now.  So, I gave him everything.......  I handed over my job situation, my relationship situation, my money situation, Ryan, and both our health.  If I lose everything......  I will rebuild.  By trying to hold onto the control in my life and not trusting God......I was letting the devil win.  I am ready to have happiness and good health in my life.  I deserve that.  I have been fortunate with what I've been blessed with.  I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and being the victim.  I need to pull myself out of the dumps, and move forward.  That is what life is all about.  After all if what we are dealing with does not kill us.......It will only make us stronger.  I can't make promises that I won't be in "one" of those moods, and rant and write, but it will be just a moment........Because God has my life, and I am looking forward to all the good things that he has instore for me.....  Oh......and the cross?  The original was not immediately found.  So they decided to throw the back-up cross.  One young man found the second one.  Some of the devoted young men stayed in the water going back to search for the original, and one young man found it.  This year there was double blessings for two very fortunate young men........ 


Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Wa Wa Wa

I think we now see a pattern.....  Me and being sick is NOT a good mix!  I am whiny, needy, and a total mess!  So, I have been dealing with this cold for a few days now.  I just don't get how little kids can have a cold, with their noses running, coughing and all that, and continue to run around playing.  All the while wiping their snotty noses on the back of their shirt sleeve.  I have a cold, and it literally kicks my ass!  I just curl up in a ball in bed and cry........  Right now my whole body is aching.  My head hurts......I am not getting much air via breathing through my nose.  It really sucks!  Not to mention I have this huge zit along the top of my's under the skin, and totally red!  So that adds to the headache!  See......I told you me and being sick do NOT mix!  It is also freezing here.....  I'm in Florida.....  Okay?  It rarely gets cold here.  I kind of think Mother Nature screwed up.  It was supposed to be cold on Christmas Day.  But NOOOO.........  It was beach weather on Christmas.  I need to go back to work.....  I do not do staying home very well either.  I think the ways I sound right now?  Well, I remember one of my friends who is also a Paralegal, first worked with me.  She called one of the Judge's office, and spoke with his Judicial Assistant.  She proceeded to tell her that she really needed to get the hearing she was trying to schedule done earlier than the dates she was given.  The J.A. (as we call them) says, Wa............  Yeah......  As in wa wa wa!  Well that is me right now.........  Sorry :-(


Tuesday, January 3, 2012

I win.......

I have a theory.......  As I was lying in bed last night......unable to sleep because of this miserable cold I have......  I was thinking.  Are we all natural born competitors?  I mean we all like to win.  So is life just one big competition?  Even in relationships.  With him, I feel like he has always had to have the upper hand.  He has always had to be the one who knows everything.  However, I have learned that you could have every college degree out there, and still be lacking common sense.  So, with him.......  I love him, but I also know that if I let go, he will come back.  He always does.  But in my thought process last night, I got to thinking maybe this has become a competition for me.  I go on this mission to show I can manipulate him, and get him to come back.  I have not failed yet, although it has gotten harder.  It's like I want to show him, show him that he will come back.  Kind of that na na na na boo boo thing.  Only thing is........I can't say na na na na boo boo to him......  So if I could get to that point I might be able to walk away.......  Does this thought process sound crazy?  Maybe.......but, I think it's valid.  It's all about satisfaction.  If he decides to read this.......I'm screwed, but really.......  I think I am right about this ;-)


Monday, January 2, 2012

Not today, please...........

NO WAY...........  So I wake up this morning feeling completely rested.  Ready to head into my day.  Take the Christmas Tree down, clean, laundry, laundry, laundry (which by the way, I'm on my 3rd load, and it's not even noon-Go me!).  Then I start coughing.  WTF?!?!!!  It's is not some little cough.  Noooooooo.............It's got to be that deep cough that racks my body.  Feels just the way it was like 3+ years ago when I had pneumonia.  My Ryan and I have sinus allergies, and have been sneezing, but now this........  Ryan has insurance, I don't.  I don't even have a job at this point, and unemployment is nothing to brag about.  So much for being positive today.......UGH!!!  Time to start drinking OJ, taking Vitamin C, and cold meds......  Kick this in the butt before it kicks my butt!  I swear.......If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.......  Let me go sulk for a little while........  I'll be back ;-)

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Of all the stupid things......

Four years ago, my former boss of 12 years gave me a huge bottle of Jack Daniels.  It is so big that it has a stand that you can tilt and pour.  Okay.......I'm not a drinker.  I mean I have a drink every once in a blue moon.  I'm a whiskey girl.  I like beer too.....  Not much for those fruity little drinks with umbrellas.  So....  many events leading into my New Year's Eve.  Needless to say.........  I did, I don't remember how many shots from that 4 year old bottle of JD.  I im'd him.....  To my shock he responded.  But just the time he responded?  He stopped!  I'm like WTF??  He was invisible.  I would have never known he was there had he not responded.  So then I texted him, and again he responded.  Again...  WTF??  It was our first time in 3 years we had not rang in the new year together.  Earlier in the day, he had told me we were over.  Completely over.  Severed ties.......  Yeah, right!  He also said he had plans that night.  LMAO!!!  Yeah, right!  I googled commitment phobia......  Did you know that it is classified as a real anxiety?  Yes, it is.....  They even have a list of symptoms.  He had every symptom.  In all my craziness into the wee hours of the morning.....  I im'd him the link to the article I found.  I am crazy.......I know.  But he does have a commitment phobia.  I told him on the phone yesterday that once he resolves it, it will be too late, and he will have lost me :-/  I wasn't drinking when I said that though......  I am working on this......  I have to do it in my own time.  As for the other one?  I don't really think it's commitment phobia.......  I've just never gone past the friendship with him.  I could have pursued it more, but it's my fear of losing him as my friend.  Hell.......maybe I have commitment phobia.  Nah.......for me?  It's trust.  I have major trust issues.  I have been married to two cheaters, who also physically and emotionally abused me......  I am afraid of that happening again.  Yes, I am afraid.  So.....  2012 is my year.  I am going to do things out of the norm.  Things I never thought I would do.  Think outside the box, you know?  Have an awesome first day of 2012!