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Sunday, July 31, 2011


It's said that there is someone out there for everybody.  If that is true, then what if your someone out there dies or marries someone else before you meet?  So how do we know that the person we are with is the one we were meant to be with?  Are we assuming that because that person fits our life at that moment that they are "the one"?  Then we hear the idea of "soulmate" tossed around like a football or something;  I am in search of my soulmate; I found my soulmate, and so on.........  Yeah, right, whatever.

Look up the definition of soul.  It will say something to do with a person spirituality, immoral something, and something about the psyche.  Then look up mate.  It will say something like couples; male/female or friend.  Then look at the definition of soulmate.  It refers to a perfect match, and refers to a couple; husband and wife.  So where do you get specific that soulmate means it is strictly a romantic connection?  or solely for a male/female relationship?  Let's go back to soul.  That whole spiritual/immoral thing?  When I close my eyes and dig deep into my "soul", there is a lot there (not just romance).  There is emotion, feelings, and passion.......  

Going back to someone out there for everyone.......  This could mean more than the male/female relationship.  It could mean our relationships with our friends and family, and a total stranger.  Right?

I believe we can have many soulmates on different levels, other than romantic.  They don't have to be male/female relationships.  I believe when we connect to someone in a way that reaches our soul then we have met our soulmate.  We may never meet our soulmates.  Kind of like it's said that identical twins feel the same things as their twin, and sense when the other is going through something or needs something.  That would be a connection deeper than the surface.  I have a person from my past who I say is my soulmate.  Our relationship is just one of those you can't explain.  It's just there, whether we talk or not.  Then I have met my sexual soulmate.  I have a couple of other soulmates.  I don't think that just because you marry someone, share an intimate relationship with that person that you are soulmates.

With that said..........  Back to if there is someone out there for everybody, will we ever know if that person that we are with is "the one"?  What if you fall in love as a teenager, go your separate ways, and marry someone else?  What if you're married for 50 years and your spouse dies, and you run into that "first" love?  What if reconnect, and while you knew something was missing from your life all those years, you now realize why?  I know we shouldn't dwell on "what if's" or "what might have been's", but doesn't it make you think?  


Saturday, July 30, 2011

I'm thinking I need to do something outrageous to bring me back to reality.  Just something off the wall that will have a shock affect.  I think that would be kind of fun......  After all I don't usually shy away from much.  That is why I am Suzanna Uncensored.  For those of you who are familiar with the pop artist Rhianna, you have probably heard her song "Rude Boy".  I downloaded that song on my phone with the idea of it being a ring for that someone special in my life.  It just seemed to fit that part of our relationship.  Wild, crazy, and passionate.  So, I downloaded it on my new phone that I got last year sometime, and can't figure out how to get it to ring only when he calls.  Needless to say, it blurts out this provocative song when my phone rings.  It's loud, and really rude.  But I love to see people's reaction when it does ring.  It's that shock affect.  No one believes I would have a song like that as my ring tone.  But I like that song.  Then the newer song of hers about "S&M" is great too.  No, I don't get into that, but that song rocks!  When my Ryan goes to visit his dad, I run around my house naked.  One of my best buds will call or text me and ask me if I am sitting at my computer naked or running around naked......  I am always laughing, saying, YES I AM!!!  We both laugh because it's just funny.......  See, I'm that girl who doesn't mind being on top with the lights on.  I don't mind taking a shower with him.  And, talking dirty can be sexy.  One of my nieces told me I should be a sex therapist.  She is probably right.  Maybe I will be when I grow up ;-)  I just think women should embrace their bodies, not be ashamed.  After all if your man thinks you're good enough to do the deed with, then he should see the the good, the bad, AND the ugly, right??  I mean (no offense here) but the little barbie doll types can't be all that.  Come on........  It would be like; don't mess up my hair; don't do that it's gross; ohhhh........I broke a nail.  Come on guys.......really.......  Is it really worth it??  For those who know me, some may not be shocked that these are my thoughts, but some may get that shock affect.  I just think it's fun!!  Maybe it's just a jump in the direction of liberating myself.  Shaking off the bad, and regaining my strength.  And how better to do that, than with talking about the "nasty"  So I have to head off to bed......  Gotta family reunion to attend.  I will pick back up on this subject later ;-)


Sunday, July 24, 2011

I ROCK 47!!

I woke up this morning in a great mood.......  Going to celebrate one of my best buds from high school's birthday!  I reconnected with two of my closest high school friends last weekend, in what I called the girlfriend's lost weekend reunion.  We've been communicating on Facebook for a couple of years now, and two of us live in close proximity of where we grew up.  The other lives just a little north of here, but she and her husband spend their weekends here.  So it's taken us 2 years to have that reunion, and we've made a promise to each other to get together on a regular basis when family and other commitments permit.  It's almost like we were never apart.  It is very cool. 

So I was reading my local paper online earlier.  Over to one side of the screen they post mug shots of arrests made in the past 24 hours in the tri-county area of where I live.  Call me weird, but I read obituaries and look at mug shots.  Yeah, kind of sick I guess ;-)  But in my defense I have to say......  I work in law at that, where domestic abuse is running rampant.  I also have tons of family and friends.  Yeah....  I'm from a family that has a few rebels and rednecks!  Not real criminals, just good folks who like to have some fun, and forget about the law when they are doing it.  I always wonder when looking at the mug shots what those people's story is.  The human mind, and what makes a person act out in a certain way has always intrigued me.  So as I am looking through these mug shots I focus on this one woman's picture.  I click on it, and see she was arrested for a DUI.  Okay, I think we have all been guilty at some point or another of getting behind the wheel after drinking too much, or doing other things, or just being too tired to drive.  If you haven't been guilty of it sometime in your life, God Bless you.  You've done better than most.  Including me :-(  I was looking at her info, and see that she is 48.  I had this woman pegged easily at 60+.  So I am guessing her story is she has lived a hard life.  A lot of partying, drinking, maybe some drugs, etc.  Me, really feeling my good mood, I am thinking I look good for 47!  Then as I did on my birthday a little more than a week ago......  I said outloud to myself........  YOU ROCK 47!!  and I do..... 

Billboards and Romance..........

I was driving down a major highway today with my Ryan.  We stopped at a traffic light, and we both looked up at this billboard.  It was an advertisement for a jewelry store.  In big red painted letters was a marriage proposal.  We were looking at it to see if it was a part of the ad or this guy actually got up there and painted the proposal.  It was actually a "will you marry me again?" proposal.  We decided on the latter.......  Staring at it, I looked over at my boy and said, that's what I want....  I want that guy who is going to love me enough that he will take the risk to climb up on a billboard and paint in large name and all that mushy stuff........Will you marry me?  Not today or tomorrow, but when the timing is right.  My Ryan reached over, and patted my shoulder, saying what was on the billboard with a certain person's name at the end.....  Then he said some other things.  Then he said, Mom, he'll be back.  Leave it to my child to say what he thought I wanted to hear.  I just agreed with him, knowing that it's not going to happen this time.  No he hasn't called.  Almost one week without speaking.  I won't lie........  Some nights when I go to bed, I curl up in a little ball and cry into my pillow.  It's still early, right?  I am getting a little bit stronger.  But the love I have for him is still as strong as the first day I knew I loved him.  I think it's more about accepting this rather than denying it.  I don't even think if he came back into my life that he would be that guy that would be romantic like that.  In reality I don't expect a man to climb up on a billboard and paint something on it to me, but it's the whole idea of romance.  I think most women want romance.  I don't need it all the time, but little things here and there are nice.  It's about that other person putting time and thought into something special for you.  Going that extra mile to make each other feel like everything about your relationship is what it's all about.  Ahhhhh.................sigh ;-)


Friday, July 22, 2011

I never said this was going to always be pretty.....  Break-ups are ugly......  I am hurting right now and it sucks big time!  How do you get past this?  I want to run to him for everything.  I want to share the good and bad points of my day.  I want to share my achievements with him.  Everything..............Everything..............  How long does falling OUT of love take?  I'm sleepy, but can't sleep.  I want to blog, but my brain is mush.  I am hoping this weekend will give me some much needed time to try to pull it all back together....  Get my head in the right place.  I'm feeling quite like that song from one of the Christmas cartoons......  "Put One Foot in Front of the Other"  "and Soon you Will be Walking out the Door".  Was it from that island of misfits in Rudolph?  The abominable snowman?  Hmmm......

I have joked for years about finding me a deserted island somewhere in the middle of the ocean.  Sometimes when things are really bad, I fantasize about being on that deserted island.  Running around naked.  Living off of berries and coconuts.  No fish, please.  Just laying down wherever and soaking up the sun.  Staring at the moon and stars at night.  To me that would be complete euphoria!  No worries.........

Well..........that felt good.  


Thursday, July 21, 2011

Getting the story right............

I never really proof read my blogs before I post them.  I usually write, pray, and post.  Sometimes I go back the day after and sometimes I wait a few days.  All I know is that I write from my heart and post it on a wing and prayer.  Last night was a little different.  I thought I was ready to write about my very recent breakup.  Clearly I wasn't.  I have so many unresolved feelings right now, and everything I wrote came out wrong.  This man who has been a huge part of mine and my Ryan's life for the past few years is an amazing man.  I didn't even come close to expressing the feelings I wanted to get out.  After going back and reading what I had written, I realized that I went with the hurt emotions.  The most defining ones that came to mind. 

When I said I fell in love with him over and over, again and again, I meant that.  From the moment I opened my door that day........  I knew he was the man I had been waiting for all my life.  I think a big turning point for me was the first time I stayed overnight at his place.  I had come home from work, and Ryan was really having a rough day.  He was being very difficult.  I was exhausted and very upset.  I was chatting with this new man in my life, and he asked me to come over to his place.  I agreed.  It was my first time going over there, and I was excited just to see him.  When things were not going well, it just seemed natural for me to run to him.  I took a quick shower, got dressed and took off over there.  I told Ryan I was going out, and would be home in a few hours.  I told him to call my cell phone if he needed me.  I was almost over there when Ryan called and screamed at me and demanded to know where I was going.  I told him I was at a friend's place and asked if he was okay.  He said he was, but he was mad at me.  I got over there and shared with my guy what was going on.  He listened to me and basically was my shoulder to cry on.  Finally Ryan started calling again.  Still exhausted from earlier in the evening, he asked me, why don't you just spend the night here tonight?  I said, I do have to work in the morning.  He told me he would get me up early enough to make it home in time to get ready.  I called Ryan and told him I would be home early in the morning.  We were awaken by my cell phone ringing in the wee hours of the morning.  He handed me my phone, saying it was Ryan.  Ryan was freaking out, saying he his throat was closing and he couldn't breathe.  It was his way of trying to get me home right away.  I calmed him down, and went back to sleep.  This around 3:30 a.m. my phone rang again.  Once again it was Ryan screaming that he was about to die.  He said I needed to get home right now.  At this point I knew I would not get any sleep, so I got up, dressed and went home.  My guy asking me all the way to the car if everything was going to be okay.  I assured him it would be.  A couple of nights later I went back over.  Only this time I had downloaded some information/description of Asperger's Syndrome.  When he answered his door and I came in, he asked what was in my hand.  I handed him the papers I had printed off and said, welcome to mine and Ryan's world.  Read it when you have a minute.  So all was good....  The next afternoon when I got home from work I signed onto my Yahoo Messenger, and had several offline messages from him.  He had read what I brought him and researched it for me.  He had all kinds of websites listed for me to visit.  I did go to them each and every one.  I remember sitting at my computer crying.  No one had ever showed any interest in my Ryan and the fact that he was special needs, but my man did.  He wanted to help.  He wanted to be there for both Ryan and me.  I was so taken with this man.  I sat there crying......  I knew at that moment that I had fallen in love with him again.  There were many other times......  Like when we were sitting up in bed at like 2:00 a.m. singing David Allan Coe's song "You Never Even Called Me By My Name".  We were sitting there with our heads propped up against the headboard and pillows, singing that song, and laughing.  Then there was my brownie making lesson in the wee hours of the morning.  This came after I was elected by the girls in the office to make heart shaped browning from a recipe they gave, and I made the biggest mess.  He told me he was going to make sure I knew how to make brownies.  I'm proud to say he succeeded, and was a great teacher.  Probably more recent was when he met Ryan and I at a game place in Ybor City.  Ryan was so excited that he was meeting us.  Ryan convinced him to get on this simulater/ride thing.  You pick a scenerio, you sit in one place, but your seat moves around and makes it feel like you are on a roller coaster ride.  The machine was broken and kept giving them free rides.  They ended up doing like 10 of those things.  I thought for sure he would never want to be around us again, but he never let anything like that show.  Instead we headed over to Panera Bread (Ryan's favorite) and had some lunch.  It was so nice.  I like that family feeling, and I thought he did too.  He communicates with Ryan so well.  I would see Ryan open up to him like he had never opened up to anyone.  There were a couple of times that I was just wiped out by things I was going through with Ryan, and he would come over to our house and help me out.  Other times we would meet him at a restaurant and that would help too.  He never went against anything I said to Ryan, and I didn't with him either.  Everything about us worked.  I would watch him sometimes while he was watching tv or sleeping.  I never tired of him and thinking how amazing he was.  He taught me so much, and has always encouraged me to follow my dream of going to Law School.  He sometimes pushes  and nags, but overall he is great.  What can I say?  He holds my heart.

I don't say I am without fault.  I know I can be clingy and whiney at times.  Yes.......guilty as charged.  I get caught up in wanting to be a girl and let my man take control, and when it doesn't happen I can be very spoiled.  Him being ex-military and a judo instructor doesn't have time for it, and no patience for it.  He is a straight forward kind of guy.  He has never sugar coated anything.  But when I've needed him, he has been there.  I mourn not only the ending of my relationship with him, but the fact I won't be talking to one of my best friends and sharing good things going on with Ryan and I.  I'm sure as time goes I will be more open about this relationship because I do love him so much.  We are all going to be okay.......


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

How do I walk away from my heart?

I had made so many bad choices in my past that I wasn't sure if I could trust any decision I made.  It took me over 16 years to finally trust my heart, and allow myself to love......  Really love.  It was love at first sight when I first met him 3 years ago.  I never fully understood that silly saying, "love at first sight" until I met him.  I opened my door to an infectious smile, and eyes that danced.  He captured my heart.  And once we started seeing each other on a regular basis I could not ever picture my life without him in it.  I had never met a man who had every quality that I wanted in a mate.  I didn't even believe that was possible. 

I met him in an unconventional way.  I won't go into detail.  But we hit it off immediately.  Which set the course for the next 3 years of our lives.  I still remember the first time I fell in love with him, and every other time I fell in love with him after that.  I didn't know it was possible to fall in love with the same person over and over again.  I remember asking one of my girlfriends if that were possible.  I can't even remember her response now.  I keep thinking....  It doesn't get any better than this.  We didn't argue, but debated some.  At least that was what I called it.  About 2 months into the relationship, I learned that he had a definite fear of commitment.  We had just gotten back to my house from dinner with Ryan.  We had this amazingly fun dinner, and it just all came together and felt so right.  But that night he told me that he didn't want to get married again (he had been married and divorced 3 times like I had) and he said he knew I wanted that.  I asked him where that had come from.  He said the first date we went on I told him at dinner that I wanted to get married again.  I had to think for a minute back to that first date, and what we had talked about.  Then I remembered him asking that night if I wanted to marry again.  I remembered thinking at the time....GREAT......this has got to be a trick question.  You're not suppose to talk about marriage on a first date.  Besides joking around with my family and friends, I really hadn't put a lot of thought into marriage.  I mean there was this one guy I met, and he wanted to marry me.  I didn't even like him.  I thought about it for a minute, and it scared me that I might actually do it just to avoid being alone.  Thank God that never materialized.  But as I sat there with this person, I remember telling him that IF I fell in love, and was absolutely sure about it, yes, I would like to get married again.  That's a little different than, yes, I want to get married again.  After he said that after we got back from dinner, I reminded him of what our conversation was that first night.  He fought me on it, and scrambled for words to make sense of what he was saying.  Nothing he was saying made sense.  His words and actions contradicted themselves.  He left my house that night with a very deep hug.  One that felt like he didn't want to let go.  As a matter of fact, now that I think about it, everytime he has ended things with me, his hugs have been like that.  I feel them, and it's like he is trying to push us into one being.  That time it took us only a few days, and we were talking again, and seeing each other again.  But I noticed a pattern over the next 3 years.  Everytime we were getting along, spending a lot of time together, no problems, he would pull away.  It became a joke with my girlfriends.  They would laugh, and tell me not to use commitment or any words that came close.  I started noticing that it wasn't me who brought it up, but I always got drawn into the conversation with it always ending up as me being the bad guy.  My initial instinct was that he was more afraid than I am to take a step in the direction we were going.  Unlike me, the free spirit.......he was the disciplined, ex-military, focussed judo expert.  Talk about the cards stacked against me.  I guess I didn't stand a chance from the get go.  But he kept coming back.  My friends would say he is was using me, but I didn't see it.  He is a very good looking man, educated, financially secure.  All the things that didn't add up to using me.  The sex was over the top.  At least for me.  We never had issues there.  But I know he didn't use me for that.  He could have anyone he wanted.  I joked with my friends and said I used him for that!  LOL!!!  It just didn't feel like that was all it was about.  We shared so much of our lives with each other.

Things were not perfect by no means.  I didn't need perfect, because our relationship was real.  We faced everyday problems in our lives and with our children.  He dabbles in real estate, and goes to seminars and workshops all over.  He would never tell me when he was going or anything like that.  That puzzled me.  I had never tried to control anything he did.  I never tried to hold him back from anything.  That's not me.  I never thought he was seeing someone else, and that was the reason.  Maybe I was looking at things through rose colored glasses, but the feeling that he was doing that just wasn't there.  Not to mention I had been cheated on before, and I had become an expert at recognizing those signs.  I also always had that feeling those other times.  Just not with him.  Eventually he opened up a little more, and would let me know in broader terms.  I took that as a small step toward making progress.  For all the things that I thought needed work or attention in our relationship, there were just as many good things going on.  He had asked me on one occasion to go with him to Costa Rica.  He threw it out there, and I would have gone.  I didn't have a Passport because I had never traveled out of the country.  I was rushing around to find all of the necessary items I needed to obtain a Passport.  The plans fell through or he decided not to go.  After that he never asked me to go away anywhere with him.  He likes sports.......he never asked if I wanted to go to a ball game.  We watched them on tv.  He liked to do a lot of things, but when I suggested that we do something he would never make plans with me.  We would talk about things, but nothing ever happened.  He promised me a ride on his bike.  He never took me on that ride.  I did start feeling like he was embarrassed to be seen out with me.  Then I would think, we go out to dinner.  If that were the case we wouldn't do that.  It always seemed to be he knew just what the limit was with me.  I don't know.......  I was probably wrong in my perception.  I remember last year on our 2nd anniversary of seeing each other.  A couple of months leading up to it, I tried to make plans for us to do something special.  He would never commit to it.  I was afraid to make any plans for fear that he would disappear, and it would be a waste of money and time.  So I dropped hints and would ask.  One night as I was leaving his place I asked him again.  He asked me what it was about.  I told him it was the 2 year anniversary of us meeting.  He said, oh okay.  Yeah that's fine.  So as it got closer I would remind him, and asked him to put it on his calendar or something.  Then about a week before, he said he didn't know what he had going on, and he would let me know.  Hurt and trying not to cry, I reminded him that he had plans with me.  He then tried to make things right.  I was literally exhausted.  I gave up on even entertaining the thought that we could actually have a fun weekend together without his drama.  So when I contacted him a few days before, he would not respond to me.  I finally heard from him at 11 p.m. the night before we were supposed to get together.  He called and I wouldn't answer my phone.  He left a message.  I called him back, and he asked me what was the plan.  Yeah, I know.  I should have given up right then, but I didn't.  I told him that I didn't have any plans.  He seemed shocked.  He said that he told me he was going to do something with me, and he thought I would have made plans.  It was very cold.  Almost like he made plans alright, but only to hurt me.  We got into an argument that night.  I think it was the next morning that he suggested we go get some lunch and go to the beach.  At this point, I didn't want to go to the beach.  I had asked for the full Saturday and Sunday.  So he told me to just come over and we would decide.  I took my time, and actually was a little late.  That did not go over well with him.  So when I got there he asked once again what the plan was.  I told him there was no plan.  He said, I thought you were taking care of that.  It was almost like he had slapped me in the face.  So he said let's go.  He took me to this little barbeque place near where he lived.  It was great and we had great conversation.  It was all good.  When we left there, he started driving.  I had no idea where we were going.  He drove to Channelside in Tampa.  It's a place that has different restaurants, bars, shops, and entertainment.  I had only been there once before for a friend's bachelorette party at one of the clubs.  So we walked around, and then went into a bowling alley/sports bar type place.  We watched college football and drank beer.  We had a lot of fun there too.  Then we went back out, and it was dark out.  There was an artist in the courtyard, and we watched him paint several pictures.  After that we went back to his car and he started driving again.  He went clear across town, and I had no idea what he had in mind.  That's when he pulled into a little "dive" icecream shop.  It reminded me of the Tastey Freeze that we always went to down on the Dunedin Causeway.  We got icecream cones and sat at a table outside of the place.  We laughed and joked and just had fun.  Then we went back to his place.  It was different that night.  We went to breakfast at IHop in the wee hours of the morning, came back and slept some more, and other stuff.  We went later to get burgers and it was going so well........  Then when I went to leave, he told me it was over.  I had this flashback of my 3rd husband telling me the day after our 4 year anniversary that he wanted a divorce.  I could not understand why after two amazing days, he was ending things with me.  Nothing made sense.  He tried to make that weekend bad, but he couldn't.  There was nothing bad about it.  We had fun, a great time, amazing sex, and other than leading up to it, there was nothing wrong about our time together.  But some how he was able to make me feel bad about it.  We lasted less than a week apart that time.  Now that I think about it, the most we had spent apart during one of our down times was 2 weeks.  The most we had ever been apart in almost 3 years was 2-1/2 weeks when he went to visit his son a couple of years ago.  That was up until now. 

For the past year since our anniversary weekend, he has told me periodically that we were over.  That our relationship had reached a dead end and could go no further.  Still not making any sense, I pushed.  Finally he told me he did not love me.  Not like "that".  But when I said certain things to him, I could see his body tense and the veins in his neck pop out.  He would not look me in the eye when he said he did not love me.  He just would not look me in the eye.  This from a man who always makes eye contact.  I would look at him, and he would look up at me real quick and look back down.  I could see him taking deep breaths.  I saw tears in his eyes.  I asked him one time to look me in the eye and tell me he didn't love me.  He looked up and said, I care a lot about you.  He pulled me into a hug.  One of those deep hugs.  One like he didn't want to ever let go.  So we have continually seen each other off and on.  The last time he was ending things with me a couple of months ago, he said he was going to spend a couple of months with his son.  We talked about it, and decided that we would use that as our time to end things.  He told me he wanted Ryan to know that if he ever needed to talk or anything like that he could call him.  I asked him to go to lunch or dinner with us, and he could tell him.  Well that of course didn't come without him creating drama, and Ryan had a hard time dealing with it.  We ended up meeting for lunch on Mother's Day.  He shocked me when he came up behind me in Panera Bread, pressing his body against my back, and whispering into my ear Happy Mother's Day.  Lunch was fun, but he never mentioned anything to Ryan about mine and his relationship ending.  We saw each other later that night.  Ryan had asked him that day about when he was leaving for his son's house.  He said he wasn't sure, and he wasn't sure if he was going to spend 2 months there either.  We saw each other regularly.  The those Toronadoes came through his home state.  I texted him that morning to see if his family there were okay.  He responded that they were, and that he was leaving now to go there.  It made sense, and I wished him a safe trip, and asked that he let me know he made it okay.  He said he would, but he didn't.  A day or so later he did respond with he made it okay and everything was fine there.  In the beginning I would send a text here and there to let him know I was thinking about him, and hoped he was having a good time.  Sometimes he would respond and sometimes he wouldn't.  I didn't think it was any big deal.  But about a month into his trip he would respond more frequently.  I thought that was good.  We chatted some on the computer and exchanged text messages.  Then we got into some playful texting.  One night he made a comment saying he thought I would have had sex with someone while he was gone.  I told him no, I have no desire to be with anyone else, that I love him, and he holds my heart.  I made some comment back because I was nervous.  I was getting that feeling a little bit.  I asked him if he really wanted me to be with someone else and doing that with someone else.  I asked that he be honest when answering me.  He said no, I guess not.  I did ask him if he a tentative return date yet.  He was vague, but gave me a time frame.  Then one night we were texting and he was more specific on a return date.  I didn't think anymore about it.  The next evening Ryan and I were out and about, and I had text him earlier in the day.  As I was driving home, I received a text from him.  He let me know he was on his way home.  This was almost two weeks earlier than he said he would be home.  I was like, why?  He said, he was thinking of going to a judo tournament in Miami.  I said, oh okay.  Then he text me that he was entering Tampa.  I did not realize he was that close.  Then he texted that he was home.  I said welcome home you were missed very much.  He said thanks.  I told him we would have to get together soon.  He said I could come over then.  I was shocked by that.  He had just driven hundreds of miles, and I didn't expect him to see me that night.  I went over.......  We talked for a long time when I got there.  We talked about his trip, my life, Ryan's life, etc.  When I went to leave I asked him I was going to see him again.  He said, I don't know...........  Then with a slow grin he said, of course I'll see you again!  He had this huge grin on his face and asked me to call him when I got home to let him know I made it safely.  That had become routine for us.  Then days went by and I barely heard from him.  We were up to the 4th of July and I asked if he wanted to do something.  He would not respond.  Finally when he did, he told me he had plans already, and he MIGHT call me later that night.  I was upset, and said some things that I'm sure I shouldn't have.  It just seemed that he could make plans for and with everybody but me.  So then I called him a couple of days later and asked if we could get together.  I got his voicemail and asked him to call me when he got a chance.  He called me that night and told me it was over, and this time he was not giving in to me.  I asked that he see me one more time.  He said no.......  After a lot of yelling and his drama, he agreed to meet me in a mall parking lot.  He said we could not get out of our cars and so on.  I agreed.  At this point my heart was breaking, and I felt like I needed him to look me in the face to tell me we were over.  Doing it on the phone to me is a coward's way out.  I'm sorry, but it is.  He had told me that it was a mistake contacting me as he got into town, and a bigger mistake seeing me.  He said he thought about it and changed his mind.  Then he said we agreed to end things while he was away.  We had at some point, but then we had started back seeing each other.  He left with no warning to me that he was leaving, and we had just seen each other a couple of nights before he left.  Everything was fine between us.  While meeting at the mall, I started to get out of my car.  He freaked out and asked me if I had a gun.  That threw me off and hurt really bad.  Never once had our relationship been agressive, mean or anything like that.  He accused me a stalking him.  I have never stalked him.  My mind was going crazy.  I didn't know where this stuff was coming from.  As usual he was trying to make me out to be the bad guy.  I told him he knew better than that.  I said, I don't have a guns, I'm afraid of guns.  He said people who don't have them still get them and do crazy stuff.  I said something like don't flatter yourself.  I reminded him my goal is to get into law school, and I don't plan to screw my chances of that happening on him, so not to flatter himself.  I eventually did get out of my car.  I stood there talking to him with my back against my car and him still sitting in his.  Finally when we were going to part I asked him for a hug.  At first he refused, but then he got out of his car and hugged me.  It was a long deep hug.........lingering.  When I tried to pull away, he pulled me closer to him.  Eventually some touching happened.  When he "realized" what he was doing, he backed off and got into his car.  We parted again.  We talked and argued some more on the phone.  It's not been easy.  He did meet me for dinner on my birthday last week.  He also picked up the tab.  He would not hug me when we left the restaurant.  But the look he gave me was that same look he gave me the first time we met.  He has told me I need to move on with my life.  He doesn't understand why I can't.  Hell, I don't know why I can't.  Other than I'm in love for real for the first time in my life.  I don't know how to let go.  I don't know how to walk away from my heart. 

I have sensed fear in him everytime he pushes me away.  He spends more time focussing on what shouldn't be happening, instead of enjoying what is happening.  I don't think you ever stop loving when you truly love someone.  I don't believe you give up over every little thing.  I don't know if I will ever trust another man.  I don't know if I can love another man.  That is where my thoughts are at this time.  Things may change.  I try not to predict my future.  We'll just have to see.


Thursday, July 7, 2011

Make it STOP, please........

I feel like I am watching my life in bad movie form, and there is not a thing I can do about it.  Over this past week, I've heard people repeatedly saying that our system is not fair.  Well guess what world??  LIFE is not fair.  There is good, there is bad, and there is ugly.  If someone would have told me many years ago that this was going to be my life, I would have laughed at them and said, you're crazy......  I have always been the person who could find a positive in a negative.......  Something good in something bad.......  I think this came from my Grandma.  She was such an amazing woman.  I always admired her strength.  I know that a lot of that came from her faith in the Lord.  She prayed all the time, and had faith that could move moutains.  I was raised in a christian home.  Went to church every time the door was open and very active in our youth group.  I even went to church camp every summer.  As I got older I got away from the church.  I don't believe in any kind of organized religion, and I believe if a brutal murderer can be foregiven and saved just by asking God to do so, then I think going to heaven is not contingent on weather you go to church or not, but if your heart is right with the Lord.  With that said.......  I have always believed in God, but I have not always kept my faith.  I used to think that the little black cloud over my head was just plain ole bad luck.  My mama told me one time if I kept saying that, then I would have bad luck all the time.  Of course years later she took that back, and finally agreed with me ;-)  A few years ago, when my son was very ill, and I felt like the walls were closing in around me, I renewed my faith, and put it all in God's hands.  I like to think of my relationship with God as something personal and private.  So why am I saying all of this?  Because it leads me to where I am at this moment.  I felt like during a lot of my adulthood, that "Footprints in the Sand" was written just for me.  I still question why things happen.  But, I now believe everything in my life is a part of God's bigger plan for me.  Although I didn't think God would give me more than I can handle, apparently he thinks I need to just put my big girl panties on and deal with it.  Right now I feel like I can't handle things, and I ask......  God, can't you cut me some slack here??  I don't ask for a lot.  I know we should not think we "deserve" anything or are "entitled" to anything.  But, I love life........  I don't party like a rock star......  But sometimes I would like to.  I don't do drugs......  I consider myself a good person.  So, right now, why am I questioning my faith in God, and screaming WHY?  My son is rapid cycling with his bi-polar disorder....  I blame myself, even though I'm not to blame.  But how can I be a strong person for him when I can't even keep my emotions in check right now.  I had been in a relationship with the most amazing man.  He brought so much into my life and Ryan's life.  Because of where he is in his life right now, he felt he needed to move on.  I now not only question why all of this is happening to me, I am second guessing my own ability to function in a real relationship.  So right now I'm on an emotional roller coaster, and my heart won't let me try to move on.  My child senses things with me more than anyone.  A lot of times I think he takes on my pain and feeds from that energy.  It's very hard when you have no one, and this individual counts on you so much.  For the most part there is no time to mourn a loss or take a timeout for me.  I am babbling right now.  But that is what I am feeling right now.  A lot of fuzzy matter.  I'm trying to make sense of where I am at, and trying to understand where does all of this fit into God's bigger plan for me.  Maybe a few more prayers, and I can pull out of it and move forward.  At least that is what I am believing....... 


Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Another one of those days......

I have always tried to be optimistic.  The one to always try to find a positive in a negative.  But there are those days when I wake up, and really don't want to be optimistic or positive.  People tell you to look around you.  There is always someone who has it worse than you do.  That may very well be true, but just once, why can't what I am feeling be just as important as that person who seems to have it worse than I do?  I work hard......  I see the person holding the sign on the side of the road that says "will work for food".  Do we just automatically assume he or she can't find work?  I lost my job over two years ago after 12 years of employment at the same job.  I thought I had job security.  I see sick people all around me.  Do we just automatically assume that those people have done all they can do to prevent what is happening to them?  I have a disabled son.  I had a very complicated pregancy where we both almost died during child birth.  I fight every day for my son's health.  I see my mountains that I am faced with just as important as the next person's.  So when I wake up every once in a while, and want to feel sorry for myself, or want to talk about me and what I am going through, I don't want to be looked at as being selfish or not sensitive to someone else's situation.  I feel like I AM entitled to have one of those days.  I am human, and sometimes life sucks!  Today is one of those days...........


Sunday, July 3, 2011

Family time.....

I took a road trip yesterday with one of my older brothers and my son to attend my Uncle's memorial service....  He was my mama's oldest brother.  The service was in South Georgia where my mama's family is from, and where a lot of our family still lives.  So in this little white wood frame country church in the middle of nowhere my family gathered to pay their last respects and say their goodbyes.  I sat toward the back of the crowded little church sandwiched between my dad and my son.  As I listened to my cousin standing up front presiding over his first funeral, my thoughts wandered.  I looked out at all my family sitting in front of me, and found myself lost in my thoughts.  Growing up in this very large southern family was great.  There is nothing proper about my family.  They are southern to the core.  But they have a special gift of making you feel comfortable, and like you belong no matter what.  I think of that song by Rodney Atkins "These are my People".  That song sounds like it was written just for my family.  It's days like this that re-enforce what I already know.......  I am blessed to be a part of this family.