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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Today is the day....

Today is the day of my interview...  I am nervous, anxious, hopeful, and all that stuff rolled up into a tight little ball in the middle of my stomach!!  I spent half of last night in the ER with my Ryan again.  I will say it again.  This is all just a part of God's bigger plan for me....  It will go in the direction it is supposed to.  So say a prayer for me, or wish me luck.........  I'll let you know how it goes ;-)


Sunday, November 27, 2011

Movies and Miracles........

So all weekend long I have watched the Christmas movies on the Lifetime and Hallmark channels.  They always start with a single mom, or single woman who are down on their luck.  It shows their struggles with no job, trying to raise children right at christmas with no money, and/or no husband or man in their life to share the holiday with.  Then all of a sudden at the end of the movie they receive all of this help; financially, jobs, the love of their lives.........Hmmmm..............  So as I watch these movies I am thinking how my life mirrors most of these stories.  I am single, I have a special needs young adult son, I have no husband or significant other in my life, and as of Wednesday....  I will be unemployed.  How ironic........  all of this right here at Christmas!  Only difference is that I live in the real world.  Miracles happen, but not quite to that magnitude.  At least not in my real world.  So why do I enjoy watching those movies?  Crying over and over again when these women and men have their wishes come true?  I guess reality or not, it's just in my genetic make up to want to see people happy.  To see their wishes come true.  I actually get pleasure out of seeing good things happen to good people.  I also believe that if I put my faith in God, good things will happen for me too.  Like I will have unexpected cash in my last paycheck, the most awesome job will fall into my lap, I will be able to return to college, and I will hear those 3 words from that special man ;-)  Hey......if you're going to wish or it big, right?  It can't hurt.  Miracles do happen........  This could be my year.  It could be your year too.  So be kind to others, believe, and dream big........  Make your life a movie ;-)


Friday, November 25, 2011

I think I said I would get back to you once I had the chance to reflect on my Thanksgiving Day.  Well, that is exactly what I'm doing.....  Reflecting on the day; my thoughts and feelings..... 

Ryan and I went to a local "diner" like restaurant with my older brother, nephew and his wife, and my little great nephew.  There were also some friends who joined us.  It wasn't the whole big family get together at someone's house.  It was fun and different......and as our waitress said, everybody is family here!  For a couple of hours it was talking, laughing, and eating.....  It was the perfect day!  Looking at everybody interracting with each other......I came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter with who or where you are spending Thanksgiving Day...It's about just being thankful!

I have had a wonderful year so far.....  Sure it hasn't been without ups and downs, and many crisis', but I've weathered those storms.....  I still have my parents......  I have an awesome son, who continues to make progress, and is my hero!  I have wonderful friends and family......  I don't think it gets much better than this ;-)  

So now as we go head on into the Christmas Holiday, it should be interesting.....  I do have a job interview on Tuesday morning.  I just might not skip a beat!  Wish me luck :-)


Thursday, November 24, 2011

It is officially Thanksgiving Day.  My head is filled with so many different memories from over the years, and I just wanted to share....

When I was very little we used to split our Thanksgiving Day between my mom and dad's families.  We would spend part of the day with my paternal grandparents, and the other part of the day with my maternal grandmother, and my mom's family.  There was never ever any shortage of love in my family.  As I got older, my dad's parents moved away to North Florida.  We started going there for Thanksgiving, and spending Christmas with my mom's family.  There were always lots of food, lots of hugs, lots of love, and of course those pictures that you see now, and decide..........what on earth was I thinking??  But it was all good.  I never experienced holidays in darkness.......  But having a child with Asperger's Syndrome, who is also bi-polar with panic/anxiety disorders has certainly changed the holidays as I always knew them to be.

We used to go to Georgia so Ryan could visit his dad, and I would spend the holiday with my sister and her family.  This year will be the second year in a row that we have not been back to Georgia for Thanksgiving.  Ryan and I are planning a lazy quiet kind of day.  He just had surgery yesterday for a large kidney stone, and he is still not feeling well.  I will also use this as a day of reflection. 

I will get back to you on what I come up with.......  Until then.......  Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.  Remember, no matter how much or how little you have; always be thankful.  Appreciate what God has given to you.  Make the most of what you have.  Enjoy your day ;-)


Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Thoughts before Thanksgiving

I like to think I am thankful all year around, not just Thanksgiving Day.  However, I think sometimes God gives us a reality check, kind of like a tap on the shoulder to remind us that there is so much more.  I can say I am thankful for my friends and family, or my health, etc.  I am trying to look at things deeper.  I am so thankful for my friends....  They each bring something different to our friendship.  I have those who know just the right things to say when I am feeling down.  Then there are those who know just what to do to make me laugh.  Each friendship is so different, yet they all mean the world to me.  And........while I have been busting on my family a lot lately, I can't imagine my life without them in it!  They too, bring so much to my life.  Individually and together.

When I started this blog a few months ago, I wasn't sure what I would do with it.  I am finding I am kind of all over the place with it.  I just go with whatever is in my heart and head.  Hoping I could reach out to others who have lived similar situations, or faced things where they felt the couldn't go on.......  If I make even one person, smile or laugh......I know I am making a difference!  So, of course I am thankful for my readers/followers......  I don't know most of you, but you make a difference in my life.

Have a beautiful day before Thanksgiving :-)


Saturday, November 19, 2011

The sixth sense......or the gift of prophecy........

The sixth sense....  I remember seeing dead people as a child, and getting feelings that I could not explain.  Then when I was a little older, and went to church camp every summer, I was told that I had "the gift of prophecy".  Either way.......  It's all the same.  It's just giving it a name you can be comfortable with.  It's all about being in touch with the unknown.  Anyway......  I've always gone on my feelings.  I sense something, and sometimes is just too hard to ignore.  I am usually right on target with my feelings.  I've thought about reading up on this more, or trying to learn to channel it, but I really don't want to walk down the street with every dead person saying hello........  I might get a little overwhelmed.  So when I have a strong feeling........  Feelings is what I call them, rather than visions....  I either act upon them, or just remain quiet to let it run its course.  I was adopted as an infant.  I can still remember a man and woman, not my mom and dad, standing over me, doting on me.........  I believe that is the connection I have to my birth parents (who are both now deceased).  Then I saw my great grandmother when I was about 9 or 10 maybe.  That's when I knew that there was something different in my psyche.  So I have lived with this pretty much since birth I guess, and have learned that my Ryan also has this sixth sense.  He handles it pretty well too.  I remember when I first sensed that we had a roommate in our house.  I was okay with it.  My fear was that if Ryan heard we had a "ghost" he might never sleep in his room again.  So I always kept it quiet.  For a probably 3 or 4 years after we moved into our house.  Then one day I was talking to someone, and they brought it up.  Ryan in passing says, "oh, are you talking about my guardian angel who sits in my room and watches over me?" He then said, "she has been doing that since we moved in here mom."  I was shocked.....  He never mentioned it.  He was never scared.  I asked him about it.  He told me that he wasn't scared of her.  She was just there watching out for us.  Yeah, that's pretty wild.  Then several years ago, a very dear friend of mine was killed in an accident.  The night it happened, I had what I thought was a dream.  In my dream there was someone drowning.  I had my hand down over the edge of the water trying to save them.  I could not see a face, just an extended arm and hand.  Water splashed up to my face and into my mouth.  It wasn't water from a pool.  It was from a lake.  I tried and tried, but I could not save this person.  I woke up with a jolt.  I got up and went to the bathroom, and couldn't shake it.  I went back to sleep, and kept repeating this over and over.  It wasn't much longer when my phone rang.  It was my older brother.  See, the friend I was referring to was his wife's stepbrother.  So when my brother told me that John had been in a jet ski accident during the night, and was missing, once again I got that jolt!  I jumped out of bed.  I knew he would not be found alive.  It was one of those things that I could never shake.  I finally consulted with a Medium.  When she greeted me, she immediately said, you have the gift.  She didn't know me, she had never met me, and was not associated with anyone I knew.  So she told me John was reaching out to me at his time of death to say goodbye.  She said that at the moment I lost my grip and the person slipped away was when he actually died.  After many years of being plagued with the all made sense.  So, I have learned to always trust my feelings.  Good or bad......  just trust them.  So that is what I do.  There is nothing satanic about it.  Which is what most people like to think.  It's very real.  It's a gift........  "the gift of prophecy", or the sixth sense.  I don't use it to hurt people.  As I said, I don't even know how to channel it.  Which is why it probably does overwhelm me sometimes.  More recently was my whole job status thing.  I knew it was going to happen, me losing my job.  I even texted and emailed some people when I had the strong feeling about it.  My former boyfriend texted me back, and told me it was all in my head.  Not wanting him to think I was paranoid or crazy, I agreed, and moved on.  So when it happened, I texted him, and said I guess it wasn't all in my head, huh?  Followed by, that is why I always trust my feelings.  I have had this heavy burden on me over my whole job situation.  Then a couple of days ago sitting at my desk at work (I'm there until the end of the month).  I was praying, and talking to the Lord out loud.  I let him know that I wasn't sure if I was up to this again.  Going through the whole no job-job hunting thing.......  I prayed that he would take some of the burden.  I looked down, and on a fax cove sheet under my hand a date was circled.  I had not paid attention to the dates I had gotten from the Judge's office, and faxed over to an opposing counsel.  I just did it like a robot, and had not even paid attention.  But when I looked down, and saw the date........I got a chill.  It was January 18th.  My Grandma's (God rest her soul) birthdate.  Yes.......  I kid you not.  I looked up, and said, thank you Jesus!! and thank you Grandma!!  I knew at that moment that I would be okay....I'm going to be just fine.  The weight, the burden I had been carrying was totally lifted off my shoulders, and I have been feeling so good ever since.  I know that when this door finally closes on November even bigger and better one will open.  Always trust your gut feeling.......  Go with it.  Because more times than not, it's the way things will be.


Thursday, November 17, 2011

It's a brand new day........

I am going to start this beautiful day off with a positive note!  It's a brand new day......  The beginning of many good things to come!  To my readers.....thank you!!  Make it an awesome day :-)

Will work for food........

Almost 3 years ago I had been gainfully employed for 12 years with the same law firm.  So, you can understand my shock when my employer laid me off......  I had run the office, and it had an outstanding reputation.  Financial difficulties were stated as the reason I was let go, and the lower gal on the totem poll got to keep her job.  It took me almost 7 months to find another job.  It started as a temp job, and there was going to be a brief period of down time before I went permanent.  During this time I was asked to work temporarily for an attorney I knew for a few years.  Just to help out, because her parttime assistant walked out, and her lead paralegal needed some help.  Before it was time for me to leave, I was offered a permanent fulltime position with this firm.  I have been there 2 years this week. about 20 minutes before quitting time, my boss told me she had to let me go because of financial reasons.  She gave me the option of staying 2 weeks (because she could pay me for 2 more weeks) or leaving immediately.  I opted to stay for the 2 weeks.  I am now stepping up my job search.  This is not the greatest place to be right here at the holidays, and my Ryan's birthday.  But I know I will be okay.  I'm in basically in the same place as a lot of people these days.  It's times like these that you have to dig deep and find what you are really made of.  So wish me luck, and say a prayer for me if you will ;-)


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Friend stuff...........

I have been just dancing around the surface with my recent posts....  When I've talked about my family and those relationships.  All because at this time in my life that is what is on my mind.  However, what I have found through all my life struggles.....  I have always been able to count of my friends.  When the outpouring came from my friends during my family crisis......I was shocked.  I had friends offer to help in any way they could.  I got emails with phone numbers, telling me that if I needed something to let them know.  Some said things like, if you need me I'm there, and I will rally some of our other friends to help out too.  I didn't say anything, and then my older brother came to the hospital when my Ryan had just gone into surgery.  He said he got mom and dad situated, and came to sit with me since he knew I needed him.  He took me out to lunch, and we were talking.  See.....he is an musician/entertainer.  Our hometown celebrity.  Anyway, he said that he was in shock at how his friends and fans came forward.  They offered to cook and clean for our parents.....they just let him know they were there if he needed them.  The thing about it is......  We both know that our friends would do exactly what they said they would had we asked them.  I think that is why I consider my close family.  Because a lot of them are family to me.....  So, I think I am going to close the book on this chapter.  I have vented, I have allowed myself to pour out things that have been weighing on my mind.  I do have to mention that my cousin Vicki......  I've mentioned her before in past blogs....  When she found out I was in the ER with my Ryan, she posted a message on Facebook directed to our family.  She told them that someone needed to get up to the hospital and sit with me.  I let her know I would be okay.  I kind of felt weird about it.  But she did it because she could not stand the thought of me being alone.  She would have been there had she not been a State away.  I am so thankful I have her.....  It didn't take long for other family members to contact me.  So that's it for me folks on this subject.  I will from time to time talk about family things, and friendship things.  But this is kind of like that "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas" .  What Suzanna blogs on, stays  on the blog......  Well maybe......  Unless some editor discovers me, and give me a job....Hahahaha ;-)


Monday, November 14, 2011

A little more of that family stuff....

Wow!  As I have said more times than one, I write, I pray, and I click to send.  I go back and read it after whether within hours, days or weeks.  So a little while ago I signed on here and read what I wrote.  Not only was I all over the place, but my spelling and grammer were very poor!  Yikes!!  I just needed to get it out, and trying to type while a big boy with Asperger's Syndrome and a little psycho puppy were all over the sofa around me.  I don't know.....maybe I should have saved it as a draft and went back, and either altered it or deleted it.  Like I said in my follow up this morning.....  I won't apologize for what I wrote, but I could have been a little more clearer.  However, when you are shunned by your extended family because you don't go to the "church" that they all go to, then you kind of realize why you don't go there.  I have heard family members ask for help in paying for weddings, braces, etc.  Maybe not the family member themselves, but other family members who have taken them in as a charity project.  No......I'm not going to start on my rant again.  I am moving past that.  But the church thing is still a bone of contention with me.  I can't go to a family reunion, or any other type of family get together without told I need to come to church.  I even got approached about it by a family member in Walmart one night.  That person couldn't even ask me how Ryan and I are doing........But I could get chastised for not being in church that morning.  I see my relationship with God as being personal.  I pray.....I don't break the law......  I help others when I can.  I am a christian.  I witness to everyone who will listen.  Which brings me to the story I said in my post this morning that I would write about tonight.  Last week I really had hit rock bottom.  I was still dealing with my immediate family's injuries and illnesses.  My job seemed to be going haywire, and I got up one morning thinking........I am having a breakdown.  I saw my life spiraling out of control, and felt totally helpless.  I was sick, but had to work, and take care of my home.  I think I blogged about it.  So in all of this, one of my best friend's cat, who she got not long after she and I met approximately 10 years ago, was very sick.  This friend and her husband have no children, and their cats (they have 2) are their babies.  So, here my girlfriend was dealing with that, and more emotional than I had ever seen her.  She was not sleeping, and we would chat online occasionally.  My heart was crying for her.  I told her that even though I knew she didn't believe in God, I was still going to pray for her cat and her.  She didn't resist, but just shook her head.  I got up that morning when I thought I was having the breakdown, and I prayed, and prayed......  I then did my usual morning post on my Facebook wall, and while it was not my typical inspirational post......I felt I needed to gain strength from those who inspire me everyday.  Comments poured in.  It comforted me so much....  My friends and some of my family rallied around me to pick me up.  Through them and my prayers, God lifted me up.  Then I got a response from one of my aunts.  It really touched me.  I responded back, and she said that during that day God was carrying me.  Making sure I made it.  She said that I would need to now put someone into his arms who needed him to carry them.  I prayed again that night, and again in the morning.  I wasn't quite sure if I was praying right or asking God for the right things, etc.  So late morning......I was in the kitchen at my office.  My girlfriend who works for the other attorney in the same building, and is the mama to that sick cat, came into tell me that all the test results came in on her cat, and he was going to be okay with meds, and a change in his diet.  I smiled, and told my friend that I knew he would be okay.  I said, see........God does answer prayers.  She had tears in her eyes and shook her head yes.  That is what it's all about.  I have been a witness to her for many years, and to see her smile through tears, and shake her head yes showed me that she wants to believe, and she listens to what I am saying.  So I got to thinking about what my aunt said.  I guess this was the person that I put in God's arms to carry.  I told my friend this later that day.  I started to cry as I told her, and she smiled again with tears in her eyes.  So, God does listen to prayers......  He answers them too.  I just think that christianity is not all about going to church.  It's about being a witness, helping others, doing what is right.  It was just a whole different scene when my parents were in the accident.  I was frustrated, hurt and angry.  That is where it all came from......  and it leads into friendships, and how they stepped up to the plate.  I'll write about that soon ;-)



I thought my post yesterday was a little strong.....  It was more of a vent type thing.  I thank God everyday for my family......  They are the best!  There are just times that you wonder what makes people do the things they do, or act the way they do, etc.  When I started this blog......  I knew it would be for me.  I let everyone know to read with caution.  This is my place......  I can say what I want.  If I went into more details.......  I would be writing for years.  I will say this....  I have some family members who are dealing with some very personal things that I am not at liberty to discuss.  That is out of respect to them, and my love for them.  I pray for them everyday as well.  I also want to say that the outpouring of prayers and well wishes for my family did come via Facebook, emails and so on.  I will ellaborate on this tonight.  I will also share a story that involves one of my aunts, and how it touched my life and that of one of my best friends.  So.....  I will not apologize for what I wrote, but I will ask that if you were offended?  Please understand where I am at.


Sunday, November 13, 2011

Family this and that............

When I am not feeling well or have a lot on my mind, I tend to withdraw from those around me.  Well as much as I can, given there are things you absolutely cannot avoid.  So over the past week I have had some down time when duty wasn't calling to reflect and think about things.  Mainly family, friends, my job.....
My family......yes, I've blogged a little about them.  I love them......  I have been so blessed to have the wonderful family I have.  However, all families have their ups and downs.  Those usually come into play when your family is in crisis.  This one is doing too much, that one is not doing enough....and so on.  You have to understand something about my family.  Besides being big and from the south, sometimes I think we are our own worse enemy.  My parents have always for as long as I can remember helped others.  They took in foster children over the years, and family members as well.  They made sure no child ever did without something.  I even remember when Disney World opened in Orlando when I was 7 years old.  They loaded as many kids as they could in our station wagon, and off we went to see what it was all about.  They loaned money, and never asked for things in return.  My mom has always been the one to care for others.  Staying awake to sit with the sick or in hospitals to allow family members to take a break and get some sleep or take a shower or get something to eat.  So of course you can undertand mine and my older brother's frustration when our parents were in the accident, and family that lived close by did not come to visit, offer to sit with them, or ask if they could make them dinner.  One of my mom's sisters who lives in Georgia called did her daughter.  One of my other cousins stayed in touch through text.  All of them lived out of the immediate area.  The one aunt who called immediately has stayed in constant contact with my parents.  God Bless her........  We just found it disheartening that so many people that my parents helped could not step up and help.  Don't get me wrong.  We didn't expect everyone to alter their lives for my parents, but come on people............  See my family will not waste time cramming christianity, and the church down your throat, but it's a lot more than talking the talk.  You have to walk the walk.  This is why I myself avoid organized religion, and quite frankly hypocrites.  Family should never have to be reminded to call their family members on any given day, whether they're is a crisis or not.  It has also been my experience with my family that they don't step up when you really need them, but when there is death or these crisis situations, they will cry their eyeballs out like it's the end of the world.  Okay.....  I am probably offending A LOT of people right about now.  Well, I said from the get go that I would hold nothing back.  If you're skin is a little tender........welcome to my world.  Obviously I have been referring to my extended family.  BUTTTTT.............there is always a "but", this time if poured over into my immediate family.  Namely one brother........  He followed me up to the hospital the day my parents were in the accident.  He came in tow with his estranged wife.......  who he is divorcing, and some of their children.  They stayed for maybe 10 minutes and left.  My brother did not go to my parent's home again.  He didn't call...  I think my other brother spoke to him, but my dad called him, and he NEVER returned his call.  Disturbing??  Why yes it was....  Especially when I see that his oldest son had posted that he was going with his dad to the Roundup to pick up girls.......then to a strip club on his Facebook wall.  Here my son had been in the hospital for 5 parents were home, but needing help.  I would take breaks from the hospital to go see my mom and dad, and my brother was going out to bars and strip clubs..........  I was pissed!  When I talked to my brother I gave him hell.  He proceeded to tell me that he I know...........but I love them.  Oh......and he took time to go out with his soon to be ex-inlaws, get drunk and call me to complain when they stepped on his toes.  I went off on him again.  I had RSVP'd for a flashback party for my high school alumni weeks before my parent's accident, and my Ryan's hospital stay.  I had paid for it, was looking forward to it, and after things happened, had no intentions of going.  But my mom, my older brother, and my son encouraged me to go.  I ended up going......  But felt guilty the whole time.  It just didn't feel right.  Like I had no business being there.  So, I was upset with my brother.  I mean, if you're that least pick up the phone and call mom and dad.  A phone call will say, I'm checking on you, I love you.........  This past week when I was sick and afraid to go around them because they are already to frail, and I didn't want to give them a flu bug or virus......  I called them everyday.  I always let them know even though I was under the weather, if they needed me I would be there.  Then when I was feeling better, I went down to their house and brought dad love's pizza......  Ryan and I visited with them that evening, and again on Saturday.  I don't know how long I will have them....God has spared them now.  But we never know what our life holds one second from now, much less what the future holds.  My rant on my brother actually got a fire started under his butt.  He called them, and visited with them two nights last week.  My older brother's rant on the some extended family members and church people got the fire started under some of their butts too.......  I will be the first to admit I don't deal with hospitals and death well at all.  I am open and honest about it.  I don't feed into all the drama.......  I will always offer my assistance, I will be there if I am asked, but in the middle of too many chiefs is not where I belong.  However, when it comes to my parents.....  I will be there all I can.  Not to overlook the rest of the my siblings....  My older sister and brother inlaw, and my oldest brother have been busy taking care of things for my parents in Georgia......  They have property there that have to be taken care of, and they doing more than their part.  My other younger brother does call and visit.  I think things will now change for the other younger brother too now.  I thanked him and told him I was proud of him for making the time.  Of course my other older brother who has been here for not only mom and dad, but Ryan and me too has been our rock.  Yes.......  it's a family thing, and I love 'em.  Stay tuned for my thoughts on friends.........


Thursday, November 10, 2011

All of a sudden I am beginning to feel like that person who says, "you wouldn't believe what happened to me on my way to the store", or the kid who says, "you wouldn' t believe that the dog just ate my homework".  No kidding.....  First it was my parent's accident, then my Ryan in the hospital, the week from hell at work.....  So I was counting on this week being back on track, but that would be way too easy, right?  Exactly!!  If you've read my past blogs, you know my life is not that easy.......  So now I'm not feeling so good......  This started on Monday night.  I'm not sure if it is stress from everything I've had to deal with lately, or if I am really sick.  All I know is, I feel like crap!  I just want to climb in bed and stay there curled up in a little ball.  I was headed for that mode, but duty calls.......  I have to go to work...  I have to be mom to Ryan....  Have to be a good daughter to my parents.  There seems to be this pattern here.  I am so busy taking care of everybody else, but there is no one taking care of me.  I am guessing this not feeling good is just plain exhaustion, a low immune system, and BINGO........I'm sick!  This too shall pass I guess.  I'm just ready to get back to the normal I consider my life to be.  Have I whined enough?  I know.......I'm the person who always has the positive things to say, and I'm still in here somewhere.  I'll be back good as new soon.  I have some good things to talk about when I can sit here long enough to write about them.  So keep an eye out for me....  Thanks for following :-)


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Here and there and everywhere.........

Yikes!!  I'm having writer's block.  I have all these thoughts dancing around in my head, but can't organize them........hmmm.........not good :-/  I think I am physically and emotionally drained.  I need to come home from work, lock myself in my room, and put my thoughts in writing......  One thought at a time.  Maybe tomorrow evening will be that time.  Oh will actually be this evening if I can't convince one very special person to have dinner with me for their birthday.......  That sounds like a prelude to my next blog ;-)  We'll just have to wait and see.......