Total Pageviews

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

1, 2, 3........some?

There is a reason why there is a disclaimer on my blog, and there is a reason why I don't openly advertise on my facebook page.  I knew in my writing, which I find to be very theraputic, would go in all different directions.  Like I said when I first started writing, I wanted to get my marriages out of the way, and a little history out there.......  Now, I am starting to just write what I am feeling, and that can change at a moments notice.  So if you offend easily, you might not want to read this one.  If you choose to, please remember that I am writing what is on my mind.  I can do that because this is my personal space ;-)  Enjoy..........

Obviously I am no stranger to screwed up relationships.......  But I like to think I have learned many lessons from my bad relationship experiences.  So today I check my email, and see an email from an ex-boyfriend.  This is someone I dated off and on over about a 3 or 4 year time span.  I met him on a dating website that no longer exists.  He was just about at the end of his divorce, and had recently moved back to this area.  He was good looking and oozed sex appeal.  He was educated and successful.  My kind of guy.......  So we hit it off, and like I said had an on again off again relationship over a span of 3 or 4 years.  He met someone else during one of our down times which was no big deal since I saw other people in between too.  But the last time we started seeing each other again, he did not tell me he was still seeing her too.  Well............not until our last time we were together.  It was that night that he decided he wanted to meet my son...  It was that night that when he dropped me off at home he held me close, kissed the top of my head, and told me that he had decided to commit to this other woman....  Yeah......  Shocked me, caught me off guard, but I handled it pretty well.  I know I didn't love him.  I thought that there were at one time possibilities there, but we never went to that next step.  So by accident, I learned he had married her...........  Then about 3 1/2 years ago I received an email from him.  He told me that he had made a mistake, and he was separated and contemplating divorce.  I agreed to see him.  Then he decided that he was going to stick with his marriage, and I met someone else, and we moved on again.  The next time he contacted me I almost agreed to see him, but I didn't.  He knew I was involved with someone that I cared very much for.  So over the past 3 years he has periodically contacted me.  He is relentless......  Just won't give up.  There is a little history so you will know why the email I received from him rubbed me the wrong way....

So I open this email, and the first sentence I read is...............  "would you consider having sex with me while my wife watches?"  Yes, you heard me right.......  Here I was used to seeing "are you still seeing that guy?"  But never this......  Talk about wanting his cake and to eat it too.  He proceeded to say, this would not a "normal" threesome.  Just a little bit of touching and watching on her part.  I knew that he and his wife had done this sort of thing with some of her girlfriends, but this was a first for him to come right out and ask me to participate.  My response..........NO.  He emailed me back and said, "wow that was definitely negative."  Hahahaha.........  Ya think?  So, this is how I responded........  I said, she is the one you gave your heart to, and now you are basically asking me to help save your marriage.  I told him that clearly there must be some problems within his marriage or he would not be asking this of me.  I told him to take a long look at what is going on, and to figure it out.  I just don't get it.... 

Threesomes..........  I just don't get it........  I know this is suppose to be every guys fantasy.  But that's just it...  a "FANTASY"!!  Fantasies or only fantasies as long as they don't become a reality.  I work in divorce law.  A few years ago this type of thing seemed to be the rage.....  But it was also the biggest cause of divorce at that time.  Men and women the same wanted to incorporate "threesomes" into their marriage, or at least live out the"fantasy".  The end result was always the same.  So, why would a totally happy, sexually satisfied couple want to do this?  It just puzzles me.  I can see it if you're single, not committed to anyone, and just want to experiment.  For me, I want to be with one person.  I want to share everything I can within a normal healthy relationship with one person, not multiple partners.  I'm no prude in anyway.  I have experienced a lot.  But, I have never had a threesome or even sex with my same sex, and I have no desire to try those things.  I am content in a male/female monogomus relationship.  One on One equals Two.....  But no Threesome! 

Well maybe this wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  It will give you some idea, of how good things can get when I am writing......


Saturday, June 25, 2011


Our destiny is decided long before we are created.  At least that is what I believe.  At the moment we are conceived, our lives are mapped out for us.  However, I do believe that just as any road we travel, a wrong turn can take us down a different path.  Then it's up to us to get turned back around and on the right track again.  As I wrote in a previous blog, I was adopted as an infant.  My mama and daddy had 3 children; a daughter and 2 sons.  They wanted another daughter, but my mama could not have more children.  One of my mama's sister in-laws was friends with the woman who took care of me while my biological father worked.  He was a long distance bus driver, and would be gone for extended periods of time.  Knowing my mama and daddy wanted another child, and seeing me with her friend for these extended period of times, my aunt went to my parents, and told them about me.  She made arrangements for them to come see me one of the times I was with her friend.  My mama said I was the prettiest baby she had ever seen.  I had dark curly hair, dark skin, sparkling eyes, and legs with baby fat rolls that went on forever.  My mama said that she knew that she had to have me.  She said when she and my daddy went to leave that I cried, and called out "mama".  She turned away crying, and once outside told my daddy that she could not go back and see me again, because it would kill her if she could not have me.  She said she knew that I was meant for them and their family.  Arrangements were made for my parents to speak to my biological father.  He agreed that I needed to have a good home with both parents, and he knew he could not offer me that.  He said he would have to speak to my birth mother to see if she would consent to me being adopted.  My parents went to their attorney, and had papers prepared to adopt me.  They gave the documents to my biological father to take to his meeting with my birth mother. 

My birth parents were a love affair gone bad.  She had been married to someone else, met my father, and went back and forth for some time.  Her marriage ended when she got pregnant with me.  She got divorced and married my father 2 weeks before I was born.  Then approximately 6 months after my birth she abandoned me, us.  I traced a lot of what I know through Court records, and information given to me through family members that I have met over the years.  When my birth mother got divorced, it was a time when Florida was a "fault" state.  So divorce papers were very informative.  They told a story.  After meeting my biological father, I continued my quest to find my birth mother.  When I did finally find her, she had passed away just a few months before.  I had already located and met two of her children; boys, well men, and had began a relationship with them.  It was one of them who made the call when I located her.  See, they had been returned to their biological father when she abandoned all of us.  My father had taken them back to their maternal grandmother, which resulted with custody being given back to their father.  Sadly, their father passed away within like a year, and they were raised by an older half sister and her husband, who were physically abusive to them, and their situation had not been good at all.  But, my one 1/2 brother made that call.  Our birth mother's brother answered the phone.  I remained quiet.  Listening and making notes.  Her brother remembered my brothers, but I was the lost child.  The child her family knew very little about.  He proceeded to tell her story.....  He said she had been raped by her father when she was 12 years old.  No one stepped up to help her, and her mother blamed her for what had happened.  It was never spoken about, and she became wild, running away, and got pregnant the first time at like 14 or 15.  Then again at like 16.  She had two daughters before she ever married my brothers' father.  They were abandoned many times over, and the neighbors who kept them finally adopted them.  Well two different neighbors.  Then she met her sons' father, and they got married.  He too, was a long distance bus driver.  She worked as a waitress in the little diner in the bus station.  She had my two brothers, and it was while waitressing in that little diner that she met my biological father.  She had also been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, and had other mental health issues which she never got treatment for.  This being a lot of the reason why she flitter fluttered around with no sense of place.  I to this day cannot understand how a woman could sit by and allow her 12 year old daughter to be raped by her husband, and then blame that child for it happening.  Hearing my mother's story helped me come to terms with why she abandoned me, and why she willingly gave me up.  We learned that after she gave me up for adoption, she had one more daughter.  She gave her up for adoption in Arizona in route to Texas.  She gave birth and handed her over to the adoption people before leaving the hospital.  She had 6 children total, and never raised any of us.  She did meet a man when she got to Texas.  They got married, she worked, and they built a life together there.  She never had anymore children.  All it took for her was to find that man who came into her life and love her.  He accepted her for who she was.  They were married for like 30 years before she passed away.  My brother tried to get him to send us pictures, but he wouldn't, and he told my brother not to contact him again.  It bothered me........  I got to thinking maybe it was in my brother's presentation.  I talked to my adoptive mother, and she encouraged me to write a letter to my birth mother's husband, and see if I would get results.  So that is exactly what I did.  I sat down one night, and started writing.  I could not tell you what I wrote, but it came from the heart.  When I finished it was three pages front and back.  I prayed and kissed that envelope before dropping it in the mailbox.  I didn't hear anything.  Weeks passed.  Then it was the week leading up to Thanksgiving.  I was planning to go visit my sister like always, and when I got home from work that one day and checked the mail, there was an envelope addressed to me.  The return address was my birth mother's husband's address.  It was kind of thick.  I could tell it had pictures in it.  I came into my house, and put everything down and sat down still holding that envelope.  After a few minutes I opened it.  There were pictures of my mother over the years since she had set her roots in Texas up to right before she passed away.  A small paper fell out, and when I picked it up I realized it was a copy of her obituary.  I laid the pictures and obituary to the side, and continued to unfold the paper.  There was a letter from her husband.  He told me of how he loved and adored my mother, and how she suffered every day over giving her children up, and the choices she made.  He said, she loved each one of us very much, and cried every night for us.  He said she was a beautiful woman inside and out.  The letter was from his heart.  I picked up the phone and called my mom.  I told her that I heard from him, and what he had sent.  I asked if I could bring them and show her and dad.  She was so excited for me of course.  So I went and shared with them.  I found comfort in that letter.  Not only for myself, but for her.  I knew she had found happiness.  As much as she could for what she had gone through.  I am so happy that she met this wonderful man who loved her, and took care of her.  We all need that.  I was able to put closure on these massive thoughts of what made her do the things she did, and it helped me understand that a woman is not bad for giving her child up for adoption.

I wrote a little about my biological father in my Father's Day blog.  When my birth mother left him, she left me, my two 1/2 brothers, and his two children; a son and a daughter.  My other biological 1/2 siblings.  My father took her children back to their grandmother as I mentioned before, and his children were moved from various relatives and orphanages.  None of these children deserved the lives that circumstances gave them.  When I say I was blessed.....  I am not lying.  I have since had the opportunity to meet my father's son, my oldest biological brother.  I have not yet met my sister.  I have met my father's only surviving sister.  She is a wonderful person.  I have met cousins......  This part of my family I am still getting to know.  They are great people.  They have accepted me....  It's like I am their missing link.  I have learned a lot about my father through them.  He too had many things going on.  Having served in two different branches of the military, he went into combat, and suffered what I guess today we call post traumatic stress disorder.  He was a definite ladies' man.  He married many times, and while there are 4 or 5 documented children he fathered, there could be more.  I plan to work on that eventually.  I want to figure out just how many offspring their were, and see just how many siblings I do have.  The town I grew up in was small back then. My biological father's family was all over the place. They were one of the staples in our town. I didn't know this until almost two years ago. It intrigued me how no one knew or how no one ever talked about it.  This part of my life is still a work in progress.

My family......the family that was my and is my destiny is pretty normal..........LOL!!!  My adoption was finalized with I was a little over 8 months old.  I had a mama and daddy, and a doting big sister and two protective big brothers.  My Grandma, who I will devote a very special blog to soon, was amazing.  Then there are the "sisters".  My mom's sisters who got that name from me because they kind of reminded me of the sisters off the Waltons.  I will get around to writing about them too.  I have some awesome cousins.  One them blogs as well.  She has an amazing story to tell too.  Her link is on my profile.  Check it out.  Since, my parents adopted me, they adopted two more boys.  So I have two baby brothers.  Well they are not actually babies, but they will always be to me.  My parents were always open with me about my adoption.  They let me know that if it had not been for them they wouldn't have me.  They never spoke badly of them.  Even when I went through my teenage phase of really not liking parents or any adult authority, and made derrogatory remarks about my birth mother.  My parents always defended her.  None of us knew back then what the circumstances were, but they reminded me that it had to be very hard for her to give up her child.  They knew she had a mental breakdown when she abandoned me.  They knew that she was not well at that time.  I was raised with love.  Saying I love you comes easy in the sense that my siblings and I were told we were loved.  We got hugs.......  Oh yeah, and we got spankings, and grounded, and all that stuff too.  But that family unit was there.  I think I mentioned in a previous blog that my parents are just a few short months away from celebrating their 59th wedding anniversary.  That to me is so awesome.

Years ago in my search for my birth mother, I located the divorce papers of my biological parents.  When I used the term of being the lost made sense.  Because my adoption became final before they filed for divorce, the paperwork showed that they did not have any biological children born of the marriage.  So when my biological parents took that turn down the wrong road, they mapped out my destiny, and where I am today...........  Is exactly where God intended for me to be.  I love my family.......  Both families.  When people ask me about my real parents, I say these are my real parents.  They chose me to be a part of their lives.  They raised me, and help shape me into the woman I am today.  They never made me feel any different than the other children.  When I became a part of them.......  It was the real deal.  They are my real family.  My mama said to me about a year ago that if she had known what the other children were going through, she would have taken them too.  That's the kind of people my parents are.  


Friday, June 24, 2011


Have you ever had those times in your life where nothing feels right?  Or you can't explain what you're feeling?  That is where I am now.  I feel blahhh.......  I start to write, and my mind goes blank, or I'm easily distracted.  I know when this started, and things got me here.  I am seriously thinking about a deserted island in the middle of the ocean.....  A place I can call my own, run around naked, and live off of coconuts and bananas....  So those of you sticking with me as I get my  blog up and going......please bare with me just a little bit longer.  I will be
back ;-)

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Part II - My daddy........

When I think of a hero, it is usually those who stand out.  They have done something spectacular or have some of significant purpose.  My daddy is my hero....  I have always thought he hung the stars and the moon.  He was a young man when he and my mama adopted me, but he was up for the responsibility.  I remember when I was maybe 2 or 3, and he would bring me home a little brown paper sack full of penny candy.  I remember running from him, and him chasing me around the front yard.  It became a ritual with us.  We would run around for a little while, then I would let him catch me, give me a hug and kiss, then I would get my bag of candy and run into the house with it.  Over the years we went on vacations to the mountains and theme parks.  When I was 7, an aunt and uncle were visiting my uncle's family in Michigan, and called to tell my parents that it was snowing there.  Before we knew it, my daddy was loading us in the car to go to Michigan to see snow for the first time.  I remember him teaching me to ride a bike and how to swim.  My mama used to complain that he spent too much time in his office, and not enough time with us.  But I remember that we always sat together as a family for dinner, and we always went to church as a family.  I only have good memories about my daddy.  Yes we occasionally butted heads.....  But what kids don't?  There was never anything that we couldn't work through.  Happy Father's Day, Daddy.......  You are still my hero.......  I love you and hope you have an awesome day! 

Part I - My father......

I am taking this day to pay tribute to two very special men.  When I was less than a year old, two very different men made a decision that would impact not only their lives, but mine as well.  One made the decision to give me up, and one made the decision to adopt me.

I was probably around 6 or 7 months old when my birth mother abandoned me.  She left me in the care of my father, who was a long distance bus driver.  I was left with a sitter for extended periods of time.  When approached by my parents about giving me up, he told them he would have to speak to my birth mother to see if she would agree, and sign the papers.  She did and the rest should be history, right?  

My parents had three biological children 1 daughter and 2 sons.  They wanted another daughter.  When the opportunity presented itself they took the opportunity to seize the day, and me along with it.....  And while I settled into the life in a secure home with a mommy and a daddy, my biological 1/2 siblings were not as fortunate.  If any of them ever read this, they may find it hard to understand what I am about to say.  But I hope they will try to see it from my perspective.  I have a great respect and admiration for this man who was able to give up his rights to his child in order for her to have a home with two parents and security.  For the most part people are selfish and don't want to share.  Women get pregnant and either choose to abort the pregnancy, or keep the child even when they know they do not have the resouces or support to help give that child what they need.  I think with men a lot of the times it's pride, plain and simple.  It's when those parents can look beyond their needs, and say "hey" my child needs a good home, and I won't keep them from having it, that your goes out to them.  I got to meet my biological father when I was 16.  He has since passed away.  I remember the first time I spoke with him on the phone before our meeting.  He told me that he would never intrude on my life.  He knew that I had a dad that he could not replace.  He told me that he would like to be my friend.  He said if I chose to contact him and have a relationship with him, that he would be there for me.  My mom and dad took me to meet him at a pizza place for dinner.  I know.....I know......  I was 16, and they let me choose the place.....LOL   I remember sitting at a booth with him sitting on the side with me and we were facing my mom and dad.  I sat there with a napkin in my hand twisting the paper over and over until it was barely there.  I looked across at my dad.....  He was doing the same thing.  My mom didn't seem nervous at all.  It was at that moment that it hit me.  I may have been a teenager, but I could see that my dad felt threatened.  It wasn't a birth mother sitting there with us, but a birth father.  The man who brought me into this world.  The man who was my daddy first.........  I wanted to be a little girl again.....crawling under the table to get to the other side and climbing up in my daddy's lap so that he could protect me.  I cannot even imagine what he must have been thinking or feeling at that night.  All I know is the man sitting across the table from me was my daddy and still is to this day.  I maintained a friendship with my biological father up until a year or so before his death.  I am glad that I got to meet him, and that I had wonderful parents who felt secure enough to support me through it all.  

I will devote another blog later to my adoption, and where I am on that today.  But for now......  Read Part II - My daddy......      

Saturday, June 11, 2011

That is what made me who I am today...

When I decided to write about my marriages with openess and honesty, my intentions were not to play the victim or seek pity.  I was raised in a good home....  My parents are still happily married, and just a few months away from celebrating their 59th anniversary.  I wasn't an "abused" child, although something did happen at a very young age, and, if, some day I can write about it I will.  My purpose of writing about my marriages was to reach out to others.  Whether you are that girl who has big ideas of what marriage is, or that woman who lives in fear because you never know when that next blow is going to happen, and you don't know how to get out, or feel like you can get out.  As for me, because I was raised in the home, with the great family, I was afraid of what they would say.  Those ultimate words of "I told you so" is not something you want to hear when your life is in crisis.  I never told my family what I went through, although my sister suspected I was being abused, she felt like I would let her know if I needed her.  I think through it all, she was my biggest support and inspiration.  She never let me down.  I will talk about that another time.  I always have harbored these feelings of insecurity, and what are people are going to think.  This goes back before getting married.

I grew up in the same home, went to school with the same kids all my life.  That is until I got into high school.  During my freshman year of high school, I was harassed by a girl, and it turned into a group of her friends.  They created so much anxiety for me.  My parents tried to fix the problem without success.  When I returned for my sophmore year, it only got worse.  Rather than the school board fixing the problem, they told my parents I could go to any high school within our county that I wanted.  Out of frustration and what it was doing to me, my parents chose a school, and that is where I completed my high school years.  I didn't get to finish school with the kids I had gone to school with from kindergarten.  I made new friends, and some of those are some of closest friends to this day.  I remember being in the mall with my sister inlaw who had just had a baby.  I was pushing the stroller as the proud aunt, and ran into a couple of girls I knew from my high school.  They ran up making a fuss over the baby, and looked up and told me that they heard that I was pregnant, and that was why I left my old school.  Very shocked, and freaked out by the apparent rumor out there, I was speechless.  That is when my sister inlaw, who was standing near by and heard what they said, ran over, and told them it was not my baby.  I was hurt by that.  I had never given anyone a reason to believe that I was what basically that group of girls had tried to make everybody believe I was.  So not only for the reasons I stated, I wanted it out there that this is my life.  This is what happened.

I went to therapy after my first marriage for a little while.  I don't know if I was still just too immature, or not ready to listen.  Then after my third marriage, I had to stop........  Look at who I really am.  I had to see if it was me as a person, just bad decisions and choices, or chosing men that just aren't right for me.  Therapy was an eye opener.  I was ready for it.  This might explain why I never attempted marriage a 4th time.  I have now been divorced 18+ years.  18, the age I was when I got married that first time.  The age I was when I suffered my first miscarriage.  The age I was when I allowed a man to hit me.  I look back over the past 18+ years of my life.  Life has been a struggle, but I am surviving.  The most important thing is, I like me.......  I'm not afraid to be alone........  My personal goals (while not as fast as I would like) are being met.  I've learned, and it's hard, to not worry about what others think.  I do things for me.  Because it's my life, and if I don't take control and take care of one else will.  No one can make me happy but me.  So "that" is what made me who I am today ;-)


Friday, June 10, 2011

Practice does not make perfect!

Marriage number three......  This is the one that I thought I had done for all the right reasons, love.  I fell hard and fast for this one.  He was that good looking, pretty boy jock.  Crystal clear blue eyes, great smile, athletic body, and charm that mesmarized me.  He literally swept me off my feet.  We first met when I was hired to help open a new discount chain store in the small town in Georgia where I lived.  He worked for the company, and was brought in to help get the store up and running.  We were both married at the time, and really did not like each other.  The girls hired to help open the store were all flirting and talking about how cute he was.  Before the store was to open, the upper management spoke with us indivdually letting us know if we would be kept on permanently or be laid off.  When it was my turn, the big guys discussed management with me.  I thought I was going to be the assistant manager to begin with.  However, the final decision fell to future hubby 3.  He decided to go with a middle aged african american woman.  I didn't question that.  I was made the key person, or 3rd in charge.  So we began working and building this new store.  Eventually the assistant manager stole some deposits one night at closing, and ended up being arrested.  The district manager promoted me to assistant manager, and I began working closer with future hubby 3.  Keep in mind this was 25+ years ago, but the company decided to go in and put personal computers in to all the store offices, and we had to learn the new programs, how to input store orders, and payroll.  Future hubby 3, our stockroom manager, and myself were sitting in the office doing online training, when his then wife walked in.  She had a plate of food in her hand, and began to scream at him about not coming home for dinner and she was tired of it.  She threw the plate on the desk, and looked at me and told me I could have him.  I remember standing up, and walking past her, telling he was her problem not mine.  Although I was not happily married, I did not plan to be a homewrecker.  She left him right after that.  She went home to her parents, and filed for divorce.  A few months later, my husband and I had a huge argument one day.  I was working a lot of hours, and he too was suspicious of future hubby 3.  I was scheduled to work, and went in visibly upset.  When I walked into the office, he was there.  We talked, and I started feeling better.  The tears were still coming, and he handed me a tissue, and pulled me in for a hug.  I shouldn't have let that happen, but I did.  He held me close to him, and when I looked up and our eyes met, we connected.  Of course this led to a kiss.  I felt bad, and we both agreed to not allow ourselves to be in that position again, and never to let it happen again.  There was a lot of chemistry there.  We both moved ahead.  He doing his thing, and me doing mine.  Then it happened.  We gave into the wants and desires.  Of course it eventually led to a very not so nice breakup of my second marriage.  I move to the town in South Alabama where he was from.  Our divorces were final around the same time, but there was a wait period after a divorce in Alabama.  As soon as we could get married, we did.  I never allowed myself to get over my divorce, and all the hurt and pain it caused.  We were married for two months when he first cheated on me within our marriage.  I was devistated.  But he cried and told me it would never happen again, but it did.  When I said in my one of my previous posts that he could charm the pants off of any female, I wasn't lying.  He went to work for a new company, and with the new position meant moving a lot.  We usually didn't stay in one place for longer than a year.  We had been married about a year when we were moved the first time.  We moved to Lynn Haven, Florida, a suburb of Panama City.  We rented an apartment near the beach, and were looking for a new beginning.  We were putting together our bed, when I said something.  I don't remember what it was, but it set him off.  I had never seen violence in him.  It scared me, and the next thing I know, he had thrust the wood frame we were carrying into my stomach, knocking me down and pressing it into me.  I couldn't move and was losing air.  He finally loosened up, and I was able to squeeze past him.  He was running after me.  Terrified, I grabbed a knife.  I turned around with the knife pointed at him, and he stopped in his tracks.  I was crying and shaking.  He started crying apologizing for doing that to me, and begged for me to forgive him.  I mistake.  This kind of behavior went on throughout our 6+ years together.  I compare him to that of a caged lion.  If he felt I was keeping him from his girl of the moment, he became abusive.  It was nothing like the first marriage.  This only happened when he cheating.  He did not want me to have fat on my body.  So he personally went with me to the gym everyday.  He stood over me, pushing me to work out until I was sick.  I was accused by his first wife of being a homewrecker, although she left him and they were aleady deep into their divorce.  His son who was 4 months younger than my Ryan, would accuse me of taking his daddy from him.  His mother accused me of breaking up his marriage.  It did not take long for me to make enemies with her.  I found it ironic how his marriage was already ending, but I was blamed for breaking his marriage up.  Our marriage really started unraveling when we moved to Sunrise, a suburb of Fort Lauderdale.  We both loved that area, and were excited about the move.  Once again he had gone to work for a new company.  The money and benefits were much better, but more travel was involved.  We both made our own friends very quickly.  I thought finally we things were going to be okay.  Then he started traveling to the St. Augustine/Jacksonville area a lot.  I started questioning him about it.  He said he had to do it or he would lose his job.  He always had a good excuse.  Then I noticed he was working out more, starting to buy new clothes, and things like that.  I knew this affair was different.  I remember coming home one day and finding a used condom in my garbage can.  I reasoned that at least he was using protection, and not putting me at risk of getting an STD, or having to deal with him getting someone pregnant.  I wasn't even thinking about, this loser brought another woman into your bed when you were working to help support your family.  Then......  I got off early from work one day, and Ryan wanted to go to the video store and rent a movie.  We went to the store which was kind of family oriented, and even though we lived in a big area, our immediate area was close knit and cozy.  We got to know the people that worked there, and we felt comfortable with them.  Ryan ran over and picked out the movies he wanted, and we went up to the counter.  The guy working asked me about the overdue movies.  I asked him what he was talking about.  He asked me to walk to the back area and told me there were two porn movies that my husband had rented, and they had not been returned.  I didn't know what he was talking about.  I told him I would find them and bring them back.  He told me he wouldn't charge me the late fees and would go ahead and let Ryan have is movies.  I thanked him, but asked him to hold the movies, and we would be right back.  I went home, and literally tore my apartment upside down.  When I didn't find any movies, I went the car.  I searched everywhere in that car.  My mind was doing overtime trying to figure out where he would have hidden movies like that.  We had watched movies like that before, but we always did that together.  Looking into my trunk, my eyes focused on the spare tire.  I reached down and pulled back the covering, and right there were the movies the guy at the video store had asked me  about.  I loaded Ryan back into the car, and went back.  The guy told me he would not charge me the late fees, etc.  I insisted on paying them, and rented Ryan's movies and went back home.  Since he was working late that night, I decided to look for any clues as to who he was involved with.  I just had a feeling that somehting was different this time.  I found a phone bill hidden behind somethings on the counter.  There was a call a lot of minutes.  The calls total was over $20.  Back then for one single call to be that much meant a lot.  I was shaking as I dialed the number.  It was a St. Augustine number.  When the other end answered I found out it was his regional manager's office.  I hung up.  When he got home that night I asked him about it.  He said he had been off that day, and some things were going on that she needed to speak to him about.  He told me that the company would pick up that phone bill.  Then I brought up the movies.  He laughed saying that one day when he was home alone he decided to go rent a movie, and grabbed those instead.  I didn't believe him....  I raised mortal hell with him.  This time he did not cry, but his attitude changed.  We never had problems in the bedroom.  That is what puzzled me about his cheating.  He started being more attentive to me again.  He was home more, and  we started going to counseling.  Things were going so well.  Then all of a sudden he changed again.  His agression started coming on again.  We only had one car at that time.  He came home one night, and told me he would need the car all weekend because the big guys were coming in, and he would need to be available at all times to them.  I found that odd since the upper management always rented cars to get around, and usually he would ride with them.  So after a huge argument, where he pushed and shoved me, he agreed to let me drop him off at the Denny's close to our apartment to meet with these people.  When we pulled up I saw his boss, who lived in the St. Augustine/Jacksonville area standing out front.  She was pregnant.  He told me to turn a different way and keep driving.  I pulled over into another parking lot, and broke down crying.  She was married.  He was married.  I asked him if her baby was his.  He became very angry with me.  He never denied that he wasn't the father of her baby.  We made it through that weekend.  He didn't come home until all crazy hours.  He would come home with bags of new clothes.  We continued our married life through all of this.  I carried a lot of bruises hidden under clothes.  He seemed to know just where to get me that would be covered up.  Then he came home one night and told me he had to go to their corporate offices and to help open another store.  He was flying up with his co-manager at the store he worked for.  We had just celebrated our 4th anniversary.  Still, during this time our sex life never waivered.  So when he left we seemed to be on good terms.  He returned 4 days later.  I picked him up from his store.  We were driving home when he told me he didn't love me, and wanted a divorce.  Here I had stayed with him through all the affairs, and tried to make our marriage work, and he didn't love me........NO.......he wanted a divorce.  That night after he fell asleep I took his wallet into the kitchen, and started going through it.  I found a phone number.  It was his boss' home number.  I lost it....  I knew that they were involved and deep down I felt like the baby she was carrying was his.  I picked up the phone by his side of the bed.  I started dialing.  He woke up and asked me what I was doing.  I said, it's time we get to the bottom of this.  I was in a lot of pain.  My heart breaking...........  He begged me not to do this.  He said that he would tell me all about it if I would hang up the phone.  I let it ring and a man answered.  I asked him if he knew if the baby his wife was carrying was his.  He asked who it was.  I told him to ask his wife.  Ask her who is the father of her baby, because I think it is my husband's.  Then I hung up.  As I hung up I heard her talking to him, and he was furious.  We moved right after that to Orlando.  It was there that I started consulting with attorneys.  One day I came home, and he was in the shower, and his brief case was open on the coffee table.  I notice airline tickets.  There were two ticket to a tropical island.  I was sitting there on the sofa holding the tickets when he came out.  He asked me to hand them to him.  I couldn't.  It was like my hand was frozen there.  I stood up, and asked him why he had done this.  He snatched at the tickets, but I wouldn't let go.  That is when with his fist he punched me with an uppercut to the right side of my chin going up my face and then my eye.  I dropped the tickets, and ran into Ryan's bathroom.  I locked the doors, and sat on the toilet lid.  I was afraid to look.  It hurt really bad.  I started throwing up.  He was crying on the other side of the door.  Begging me to come out so he could see if I were okay.  I finally looked up into the mirror and saw my face.  The whole right side was bruised.  My eye was black and almost swollen shut.  At that point I knew I had to get out as soon as possible.  I opened the door, went to the phone, and called my sister first.  Then I called my parents.  I asked them if I could come home.  They said yes.  I walked back out, and he was begging me not to call the cops.  I told him that I wouldn't do that, but I wanted my divorce.  He was going to finally get what he wanted, but he was going to pay for it.  He let me pick the attorney, his mom paid for it, and I filed for divorce.  He chose not to get an attorney.  He loaded me up in a packed up U-Haul truck and I headed back to Palm Harbor, Florida.  Back home.   I was devistated that I had failed yet again, and very depressed.  I learned at that time that practice does not make perfect. 


Sunday, June 5, 2011

Wrong reasons with good intentions.......

Recently I blogged about the difficulties I had run into writing about my second marriage.  I knew it was going to be hard to write about.  Not because it was a marriage like the first, or a relationship like the rebound one, but because my second husband is an amazing man.  He is someone I respect very much.  How could I not?  How many men will take responsibility for a  woman pregnant with another man's child, and raise that child as his very own?  I texted Rich, my second husband last week.  I told him about my blog, and asked him if I could use an abreviation of his first name only.  I had to laugh when I got a response that said, "it's fine as long as no one starts throwing rocks at me".  I told him that I didn't think that would happen, because I had portrayed him as nothing but a hero.  That is Rich, the one person who can make me laugh, and annoy me at the same time.  After a lot of prayer and careful thought, I have decided out of respect to Rich and our son Ryan, that I will only touch on certain hightlights of our marriage.
Mine and Rich's marriage was born out of friendship, mutual respect for one another, and a great love for our son.  I loved Rich, and still do.  However, it's not the kind of love a woman has for the man she calls her husband.  Rich is a great guy, still is.  I have this tremendous respect for him.   While our marriage didn't survive, we have been able to co-parent Ryan on many levels.  I think this comes from us both being raised in homes where our parents loved and respected each other, and taught us the importantance of family.  We decided that even though we could not work as a married couple, we would not inflict our differences on our child.  We have stuggled, and I can honestly say that there have only been two times that we could not come to a meeting of the minds......  One was after Rich married a second time.  I was already re-married, and that was a sore subject for him.  His new wife, for whatever reason did things to alienate him from not only his child, but the rest of his family as well.  That eventually worked itself out.  Then we went through a very trying time a few years ago when Ryan was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, as well as many different mental disorders.  I think that is the first time I felt that this might be it.  He would abandon Ryan, when Ryan needed him most.  That too worked it's self out.  There is still a lot of healing going on there, but it is between him and Ryan.

My marriage to Rich happened for the wrong reasons, but with good intentions.  Our marriage was on it's last leg when I met my third husband.  We had discussed separation and divorce.  I think we both knew it just wasn't going to work.  I was unfaithful.  I should have ended my marriage before involving this other person in our lives.  What I did was wrong.  There is no excuse for it.  I will not make excuses for it.  But, I can't go back and undo what I did.  I betrayed my best friend.  The one person who never judged me, who was always there for me, and signed on to be a father to my son.  Not only did I betray him, I betrayed a wonderful family who accepted me with no questions asked.  Eventually, Rich and I were able to salvage our friendship.  His family never turned their backs on me.  They just weren't like that.  I wasn't able to be there for Rich when he lost his father, but I spoke with his mother on a weekly basis up until she passed away, and am thankful I was able to attend her funeral.  I felt like I lost a part of me in losing them.  Rich is now married to a great woman...  I am happy that he has her in his life.  He deserves to have happiness and security in his life.


Friday, June 3, 2011

Time out....

I didnt' want to stay away for too long....  But I have family in visiting, and spending quality time with them.....  There's nothing better than family.......  I will be back soon to continue my story.......  Thanks for hanging with me ;-)


Thursday, June 2, 2011

Sometimes you just need a second opinion.....

I have tried to write about my second marriage twice now.  I am getting a feeling that now is not the right time to talk about it, if that makes sense.  I have communicated with my second husband, and have his blessing to move forward with our story, and even started writing about it. Something beyond my control has intervened on two different occasions, and I find that odd. 

Before I decided to start writing and sharing my story, my life was in limbo.  The past few years had begun with a great start, and progressively got out of control as the year moved on.  However, 2011 was riddled with obstacles and uncertainty from the beginning.  I took this as a sign that maybe this year would be different, and things would actually be normal for a change.  Right now the prognosis is not so good...........  Recently my faith in God has waivered.  I have asked a lot of questions...  Why Lord is this happening?  Why Lord is that happening?  I know better, and have still allowed these obstacles to hinder my life.  So I am going to have a talk with the man upstairs to get a second opinion.   I know things will be just fine, but it never hurts to make sure.......


Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Pu Pu Puppy Power..........

I sat down tonight to dive into my next post, but I guess the time just wasn't right, and divine intervention came in the form of one spoiled rotten little "Lucky" puppy.  Everytime I would start to write, in jumped Lucky!  He has demanded my complete attention.  I guess he got use to having me home all weekend + a day.  So tonight in his own way, he told me that he needed my undivided attention.  Really, I think God knew I needed a little more time.....