Total Pageviews

Friday, March 29, 2013

Follow me here too.......

As I mentioned before I have been working on a new blog.  I invite you to follow me there too.......

I hope you will enjoy it!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Child Focus

So I have been working on getting my new blog up and going.  Once I am finished and begin a new journey, I will share the link for those of you who want to follow.  My son Ryan and I have reached the place in our life that we are ready to share our stories.  I am very excited about this new adventure because I am very passionate about the cause of Autism and all the disorders on the spectrum, Asperger's Syndrome being the one my son was diagnosed with approximately 5 years ago.  I love my child and want to bring awareness....especially for the adults on the spectrum.  I will still be here blogging about my personal ups and downs too!  So thank you for hanging with guys inspire me!


Sunday, March 24, 2013

"Army Wives"

I love the show "Army Wives."  I honestly believe I would have been a great army wife.  My ex-beau who stole my heart and won't give it back is retired military.  He is the first and only army guy I ever dated.  Military men are different.  I think the discipline and structure is good.  I also had a pen pal when I was in high school.  He was friends with one of my aunts and cousins.  I cannot remember his name, but we wrote faithfully.  I used to be so excited when I would get a letter from him.  I would always respond immediately.....  But this tv show just keeps me on the edge of the sofa.  Gotta love it!


B**ch Fest

I do a lot of inspirationals and share stories on my Facebook page.  However, when I am having a bad day or just don't feel like being nice, I can't post it there.  My family jumps on that.  To them I am being a little less than "christian" like.  Or, I am being ungrateful.  It is assumed that I am not praying or letting the Lord take care of things.  I pray......every day.  I give praise to God.  No one can know what we have personally going on in our hearts.  My relationship with God is personal.  It's between him and me.  My friends and family know I am a christian.  I don't back down from that for anyone.  My friends respect that.  Even the ones who are uncertain or just don't believe.  I witness to them.  I am judged more by my family who go to church and are very outspoken about their christianity.  I just let it be.

I am a very spiritual person, and I have a tremendous faith in God.  But I am human too.  I have good days, I have bad days, and I have days that I feel like BLAH!  My life is not perfect, I have more bad hair days than not.  My weight sucks!  I am not rich by no means......and I wish I could catch that one big break.  I have scream fests with my adult Aspie son.  I cry and cry sometimes, until I feel like I will just dry up.  My once spotless house looks lived in now.  I suffer from heartbreak.  This has nothing to do with my faith.  Because I know that where I am is right where God intended for me to be.  This is my life.  I can vent about whatever I want to.  Right?  If I want to follow my heart and do what makes me happy.......  I can do that.  Because at the end of the day it's my life and the only one I have to answer to is the big guy upstairs.  ;-)

Whew......  I feel a little better!


Saturday, March 23, 2013

Let's go Gamestop hopping....

Time flies when you're having fun I guess.....  I took yesterday to spend with my kid.  We got out and went Gamestop hopping, as I like to call it.  We start at one spot and hop around to the different Gamestops.  My kid is a connoisseur of gaming.  He knows something about everything.  It is very easy for me to become hermit or homebody if I am not working.  I shouldn't be like that, and I promised myself I would start working on image and appearance.  Well, I hit a patch of depression last week.  As if it didn't show in my writing.  So when I am like this, my poor kid suffers.  Being the charmer he is, usually when we go Gamestop hopping he always tells me when we're finished he will go look wherever I want to look.  lol  So that is what we did yesterday.......ALL day long!!  I was exhausted.  Now I am trying to shake the blues so I can jump back into things and move on past all of this depression stuff.  I am better than this.  As it's been said.....  "tomorrow is a brand new day."  And, I plan to make the most of it.


Thursday, March 21, 2013

My purpose in life

So this morning I was having a conversation with a very dear friend.  Actually she was my very best friend in 6th grade.  She was checking in with me to see how I was doing and how my job hunting was going.  As our conversation went on, I told her that I pray and trust that God will not let me down.  He has carried me so many times, but I feel like what I have been going through is only the tip of the ice burg, and it is a stepping stone to bigger and better things.  I truly believe that.  I have always been safe, and done the right thing.  I don't do change well, can be extreme at times, but for the most part I am stable.  I have lived in the same house for over 20 years, I worked at one job for 12 years, another for 2 years, and so on.  I just feel like now, something is pushing in the direction I should be going.  It's definitley not safe, and there are no guarantees.  But, even being safe does not bring guarantees.  I am chasing possibilities, believing that God's plan for me is bigger and better than anything I could have ever imagined, and things are going to be okay.  Is there any other way?


Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Bouncing back again.......

Wow.....  Did this day get away from me or what??  If it's not my kid, it's my dog.  If it's not my dog, it's my kid!  Last night my Ryan had a mini meltdown.  These always end the same way.  He screams at me and asks why I didn't have an abortion, and that I wish I had a normal healthy kid.  He now throws in that he knows that I secretly hate him.  I know this is all a part of his many disorders, but none the less it hurts.  I always feel that I have been placed in front of a firing squad, taken a few hits, and am expected to go on like the Energizer Bunny.  Well, it's not easy dammit!  Abortion was NEVER an option for me.  I fought with all my 20+1 year old ass had in me.  The circustances surrounding my pregnancy (which I blogged on earlier) were not the way any woman would want to get pregnant, but I wanted my baby.  I knew early on it would be high risk, but hey....I'm a risk taker.  I dug my heels in, and even with the puking my guts up morning, noon and night, and bleeding the whole time....  I wanted my baby.  He has been my world.....he still is my world.  I understand that due to his Aspergers that he does not process things like me.  He doesn't sympathize or empathize.  It's all cut and dry, black and white with him.  My heart breaks....  If he only knew and could understand my love for him is unconditional, and I could never imagine my life without him in it.  So when things like this happen it takes me a little while to bounce back.  My life as Ryan's mom is not easy.....but it is rewarding and fulfilling.  Even when life isn't good, it is......


Tuesday, March 19, 2013


I have been single for 20+ years.  I have done being alone very well.  Recently though, I am not doing being alone very well.  Last night I actually felt lonely.  I have reached the point that I think I can honestly say, I am ready for a relationship.  I think this is why I am so over thinking this whole dating thing.  If you have read my earlier blogs then you know I do not have a successful track record where relationships and marriages are concerned, but I am ready to try again.  I just want to make sure it is right.  I know there are no guarantees, but I have parents, siblings and friends who have long term marriages.  It can be done.  I am ready to be domestic.  I'm not very good at it, but I will take cooking lessons and whatever I need to do.  I want to be that supportive girlfriend or wife.  I want to be there for my significant other.  I want him to be there for me.  I want to build a future with the right man......I just don't know where to start!  I will now over think this I'm sure.....


Monday, March 18, 2013

Pretty "Big" Women......

A couple of weeks ago my Ryan and I were in Toys R Us to purchase some new character for his latest game addiction.  We got behind this couple at the checkout with two small children who were out of control.  So, I am observing this couple.  The husband was very nice looking and looked exhausted trying to take care of these two little out of control boys.  The wife was tall for a woman, and what I would call big boned.  She was not thin, but not fat either.  She was fluffy on the larger frame.  She had caked on make-up and had this scowl on her face kind of like, you just didn't want to tussel with her.  As they were finishing up with the purchase, she looked at him and said something very harsh about him having to put things together.  When she noticed us looking at them, she gave that bitch grin.  Kind of like, uh oh I got busted......  So I was thinking, maybe I have this whole thing wrong.  Maybe there are men that don't let a woman's weight intimidate them.  Then I thought, nooooo.....  He is just making nice with her while out with their kids, and he is probably the quiet guy out there doing his secretary.  lol  We had just seen a beautiful big girl the day before with a very handsome man.  Even my Ryan commented on how pretty she was.  So after we witnessed this thing at the toy store, Ryan says, it's not like she is beautiful either.  She wasn't near as good looking as the other woman we saw yesterday.  This is my adult son who is on the autism spectrum noticing this.  I found that interesting.  So where am I going with this.....Hell, I don't know.  I'm just really making a lot of observations these days.  Trying to figure people out.  Are there good men out there or not?  Food for thought!


Sunday, March 17, 2013

That whole dating thing - Again

So a few nights ago my instant messenger box pops up.  It was from a different guy than before.  I had given my messenger address to that one guy who wanted to cam, and this one who im'd me.  This guy and I had been chatting, and he seemed nice enough.  Then all of a sudden during one of our conversations he just stopped chatting and disappeared.  That was fine with me.  So here he is im'ing me again.  I was polite.  I asked him how he was and so on.  Then I asked him why all of a sudden out of the blue he stopped communicating with me.  He proceeds to tell me that he didn't.  He said it was me.  Well, it wasn't me.  I let him know it wasn't me.  Then he just all of a sudden asks me if I want to cam with him.  Uh huh.....the dirty dog!  I tell him I am not into the whole webcam thing, and I declined.  That's when he says, we can just talk, no sex......Bahahaha!!!  I am thinking maybe it is me.  Is this what dating has come to, and I am just old school....  Why even bother calling it dating.  You meet someone online, then meet them on the webcam, and do the deed with him via webcam....  I find no excitement in that whatsoever!  Ummm......Yeah, this is bothering me.  And, then I heard the other day that some guy on the Christian site was accused of rape!  So where do good women go to find a decent man?  I think decent men just don't exist these days....  If you're not a barbie doll type, you don't make the cut!  That's for real....  So that guy stopped corresponding when I refused to cam with him.  Another one (well possibility of one) bites the dust!


Luck of the Irish.....Maybe

Whew!!  I survived!  I sent that text....he didn't respond, thank God!  I will just sweep that one under the rug. 

It's St. Patrick's Day!  I've never been one of those party animals on St. Patrick's Day.  Not even when I was younger.  I just never got the green beer thing.  I remember as a kid, you had to wear green.  If you didn't wear green, you ran the risk of getting a pinch on the a**.  I remember in my teens, if we didn't wear green, we would say.....  I'm wearing green, you just can't see it.  Of course, implying that the undergarments were green.  I know, silly, huh?  So, these days I don't even really own anything green.  Go figure.  My son owns shirts in all different shades of green.  It's his favorite color.  I think I bought a green cotton camisole back during the summer.  I just might did it out and throw it on under a t-shirt.  Sounds good!  Sweet!

Happy St. Patrick's Day everybody......  May the luck of the Irish be with you, and may you beat the Leprechan to the pot of gold!  ;-)


Can we say pity party? Ummm.....Yeah!

I have been doing super good....  No e-mailing, very little texting.  But tonight, I'm like an addict on the verge of falling off the wagon.  I am missing him so bad.....  I texted him, and will have major regrets about it.  I still don't know how to put this all behind me.  I'm six months into very little to no communication with him.  It's kind of like you don't choose who you fall in love with and you can't force yourself to fall out of love with them.  My life is good.  I don't know why I think I still want this.  Hell, maybe I am that person who cannot be completely happy without that drama in my life. about a pitty party!!  Yeah, I am having one.....  Yikes!  I need to get to bed!


Saturday, March 16, 2013

I don't care whether you're working or not....  The weekend is the weekend.  It's a free ticket to be wild, crazy, and even lazy!  Lazy is what I've been today!  Lord have mercy!!  Now, I am up and at em, and ready to get going.  I have cousins here visiting and we are going out to eat and hear my older brother play.  Sounds like a good Saturday night to me!  I'll be back with stories I'm sure!


Friday, March 15, 2013

This and that......That and this

I feel good....  I survived this week so far!  I have had a bit of uncontrolable eating.....ugh....  That is normal I'm thinking.  I did get out and about with my son yesterday.  It's always an adventure with us, and I enjoy those times!  My mom was awesome, but I think I rock as a mom!  I am thinking about going and getting my hair chopped off this weekend.  Yeah.....I did it back in July, haven't touched it since, so it's about time.  I need change.  It's a St. Patty's Day weekend.  I'm thinking I will probably go out with family this weekend to hear my older brother, who is an entertainer, play.  We have been doing Saturday nights at this place he plays.  Reasonable prices on food and drinks, and my brother rocks the place....  Country, old rock and oldies.  I love it!  Today....I will get out with my boy again.  He is into this new game, and is looking for a certain character.  We found one them yesterday, but there is still one to go.  That's today in a flash.....a little bit of this and a little bit of that.  ;-)


Thursday, March 14, 2013

Life is good even when it's not

I woke up this morning after a very restless night and very little sleep, and turn the tv onto the local news that I watch every morning, thinking this is what my life has become.  Unemployed....AGAIN....  Gaining weight....AGAIN....  Something has got to give.  Then here comes in my son, snatching up the remote.  He flipped the station over to VH1 Classic.  Okay....I don't know about you, but in my household, we have love our music!  Music is good for the soul....  But the best is that these songs this morning were the songs I listened to when I was in high school!  Takes me down memory lane.  Gotta love it!  By the time it's all said and done.  I am thinking life is still good, even when it's not!  So now I am bopping around.  Getting my dance on.  Feeling good!  I love my life :-)


Wednesday, March 13, 2013


I won't sugar coat this.....  I hate the whole dating thing.  Being single these days really sucks!  I am going on 21 years single.  I had tried online dating way back when, but decided to go through and delete every online profile I had over 4 years ago.  I met and dated 2 or 3 good guys over the years of trying it.  I also made a couple of good guy friends.  So, about 3 months ago, I allowed one of my girlfriends to talk me into trying it one more time on one of the sites I had never tried before.  I was blown away.  I am sure there are women out there who are just as bad, but come on.  Within my first day on that site, I cannot even recall how many men propositioned me.  I am not a prude.  I pride myself on the fact that I am so open with my sexuality.  I am not shy when it comes to things like that.  However, there was a gentleman who hammered away at me wanting to use the webcam.  I refused to use mine, and said it was okay for him to use his, but told him that he needed to have his clothes on.  Well he proceeds to tell me that he just came in from his pool and had his swimsuit on.  A speedo.  Yikes!  He assured me he would stay seated and I would not have to look at him.  It's not that I don't want to look at a man's body, but I want to meet a man who wants to wine and dine me.  Take me out on a date.  Get to know me, the person, before he goes showing me his body.  I've already experienced passion beyond words.  It's going to take someone to really sweep me off my feet now.  I believe that there has to be someone out there that can do more than that for me.  But, this guy used the excuse of him needing to get a drink of water as his excuse to stand up.  I immediately shut the came down.  He asked me why I did that.  I told him that I don't know him.  I don't want to see his naked body and so on.  So he stops communicating with me.  Well one night I see him online after I had deleted my profile.  I asked how he was, and why I had not heard from him.  He told me that I had problems, was way too uptight, and wished me luck on finding someone as uptight as I was.  I had to laugh.....  All because I didn't want to see a naked man I did not know on the webcam, I was dubbed uptight.  That was a first.  lol  Stuff like that turns me off.  I am kind of nervous that there are no good guys out there.  Real men.  Yes, I thought I had met him and even allowed myself to fall in love with him completely, but even he let me down.  I am a very giving person.  I love with all I have in me.  I want that man who can step up and woo me......Be the man. 


I think I'm traumatized!

When I dream, I dream alive and in color!  Well, the fallout from temp job yesterday....  Ay ya ya...  I was working in my sleep.  The attorney I worked for had left the office and there were others in the office so I thought I was safe.  I was working, and all of a sudden it was dark.  I jumped up and realized I had fallen asleep with my head on the desk and everyone left and locked me in.  Since I could not figure the phone system out, I could not call out and my cell phone was dead.  Traumatized, yes.  Lesson learned....ask the right questions before I go on another temp job, and make sure I have Red Bull and my cell phone charger with me!  Yikes!!  So, onto another day......  I'm thinking about talking men real soon!  ;-)


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

This sh** only happens to me.......

The temp job??  Oh good lord....  I knew this attorney from years ago.  He was old then.  Well, he is really old now.  Like almost 100 old.......  So, I am sitting there this morning waiting for him, and here he comes shuffling into the office, hunched over, sharp as a whip.  Umm.....yeah, it was a longgg day!  He almost fell two times!!  O-M-G!!!  I reached out to catch him one time.  It was just a natural instinct to do.  I called the temp agency when I got out earlier this evening and left them a message.  As fascinated as I am with this attorney, I don't want to go back there.  He has paid his dues.  He needs to hang up the scales of justice, relax and enjoy his old age.  I swear......only me, does this happen to!


Well wouldn't you know.....

I did the right thing.  Contacted the temp agency and activated my profile.  I contacted 2 recruiters that I had worked with in the past, and made other contacts.  Well, 2 hours into activating my profile with the temp agency I received a phone call, and I have a temp job for the day.  I am thinking this is a good sign as far as work.  I think all will be okay on the job front.

Everytime I go through changes like this, my son feeds off my energy.  I have been remarkably calm, but he seems to be on the edge.  I tell him we were fine, and all is good.  I don't think he is comprehending it though.  I'm hoping that it changes soon.  It's hard enough keeping myself in check during times like this without his ups and downs......Ugh......

So, I am going to do this job, get her done, collect my paycheck and move it forward.  Sounds good to me.  I'll tell you about it later!


Monday, March 11, 2013

Monday - Monday

I am not a person who requires a lot of sleep.  I have just never been that way.  So if I get too much sleep, I wake up with a lower back ache.  It never fails.  So too much sleep, accompanied with this whole time change thing....Yep, I'm fit to be tied!  I figure today will be my adjustment period back into the land of the unemployed, but feeling pretty good.  Well, minus the back ache!  lol  There is a lot to do around my house.  Spring cleaning!!  I guess it's a long time overdue.

So.......during my time away, I did give the ex-love thing another try.  Yes, the ex-beau that I was madly, deeply, in love with.  It was totally different than it had been the first time we got together.  He was everything I thought I wanted.  Well, of course he could only allow himself to get so close before, the harsh words of this can't work, it will never work, I don't love you like that - in that way.  He was also bringing up marriage.  Yikes!  Marriage scares the hell out of me first of all.  Big surprise, huh?  Considering my late teens and early 20's being riddled with bad marital choices.  As he was trying to end things with me, I got sick.  I found a lump in my left breast.  It turned out not to be breast cancer, thank God!!  Then my blood work came back all out of whack!  It was just a crazy time in my life.  He turned his back on me.  I had always thought of him as one of my best friends too.  Friends don't abandon friends in their time of need.  I missed being able to talk to him.  Sex was completely out....  I was being poked and prodded so much, that sex was the last thing on my mind, you know?  But I wanted my friend back!  It was a reality check for me.  I mean, if we were together as a couple and I got sick, would he be a pu*** and bolt?  Probably, yes.  I have texted him here and there asking how he is, and it is a hit or miss.  Sometimes he says yes he is, and other times he is downright rude.  He never asks how I am.  I look at this as I am now on the road to recovery.  I am a wonderful person, so of course it was his loss.  I am a stronger and more caring person because of it.

Now.....I am thinking of re-inventing myself.  That sounds good, doesn't it?  I am going to work on getting my body in rocking shape.  Work toward furthering my education.  I am woman, hear me roar.....  Life is good folks! 


Sunday, March 10, 2013

I'm going to try this again

Since I started this blog, I've had a lot of ups and downs.  I allowed those ups and downs to run my life, consume me, and distract me.  I even felt a little funny when I suggested my blog read to others, that they would get a little nervous that I might mention them in my blog.

When I first started this blog, it was my goal to be selfish.  Share what I had been through or was going through, or what was on my mind.  This is about me.  It's my own very personal therapy.  I am not out to hurt others.  I said from the beginning if I blog and use someone's name, it's because I have asked and received their permission.  Otherwise, I don't use their names.  I used my late aunt's name because I truly believe she would approve of this.  She was a very strong and opinionated woman.  I see so much of myself in her.  With that said, I am going to try to move things forward.  Start focusing on what makes me happy, and writing does make me happy. 

I took a job with a very busy firm.  For about the first 2 months I felt like maybe I fit in.  Then the next 7 months I've been on eggshells.  I got written up for the first time ever on a job.  Not because I putting anyone at risk, but because I stepped on someone's toes.  Someone in a superior position than I, and someone younger than my son.  It was all down hill from there.  On Friday, I was let go.  I was told it was for financial reasons, and it was done in a pleasant and professional way.  I was even told I might get called back if things pick up.  I don't think so.  I had been thinking for a while.  I have to do what is right for me.  Things that are less stressful to me and things that I love.  Of course if I could write and make money at it, I would!  I am looking for a new job, but I am also going to focus on my writing. 

I have talked some of my son Ryan, in my earlier blogs.  I really haven't gone in depth about his diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, Bi-Polar Disorder, and other things.  A long with this blog, I have decided to start a blog about mine and Ryan's journey.  It comes with Ryan's blessings, because he will be a part of it.  We are trying to come up with a name.  Ryan says, he has to have his say, as he is a part of me, which makes him smart and a writer just like me.  He's got a good point there!  lol  I love my kid......

So once again......  I hope you come along with me on this journey and that journey.  You who follow me, inspire me.  Thank you!