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Monday, July 30, 2012

A few pounds go a long way.......

I was flipping through the radio stations on my morning drive to work today.  I came across one of the local stations who were talking about men leaving their wives and girlfriends because they gained weight.  Imagine that....  So I am driving along, listening to the male DJ and the women calling in, and thinking the whole time....I feel a blog coming out of this.  It took me back to marriage number three.  As I wrote before, hubby number three was good looking and quite charming.  I met him around the time my Ryan turned one.  I had gained a little over a 100 lbs during my pregnancy.  I remember going into my doctor to have my staples removed from stomach from the c-section, and telling him I had to have diet pills to help me lose the weight.  He told me that he didn't believe in prescribing diet pills, but knowing what I looked like before I got pregnant, he prescribed them.  So when I met hubby number three, I had already lost about 75 of those gained pounds, and didn't look too bad.  A lot of people always said I was too skinny anyway.  So after we were married, I added back some extra pounds when I would go through depression because I would find out about another one of his affairs.  Then I would turn around and take it off again.  I guess the hubby didn't trust that I would be able to take it off one of the times, and started forcing workouts on me......  I didn't mind working out at all, but it was the abusive force he put me through.  So I did extensive workouts daily with the hubby standing over me.  I built muscles and had decent abs.  So, as I am listening to this radio show......I am thinking the same as most of the women calling in.  What happened to love.....  The days when you actually married for love.  Has love, marriage and relationships become that disposable?  I mean, really?  There are no guarantees when you have a tiny body that you will keep that body forever.  I never thought I would gain as much weight as I did in my pregnancy, and not be able to lose it all.  Husband number two accepted my weight.  He knew me when I was tiny.  He knew I wasn't happy with my weight, but he still accepted me for me.  I remember back after divorce number three, I had a lost weekend with the ex.  He told me that the weight thing wasn't because he didn't accept me, but because when I gained weight, my attitude got worse.  Now that I think about it.  It probably did.  What guys don't understand is what women go through over the whole weight thing.  My weight has never gotten in the way of my ability to do things.  I am a very active person.  One of the female DJ's asked the male why wouldn't you just pay for her to go to the gym or have a personal trainer.  He never gave her a straight answer.  I guess it would be too much to spend a little money on the woman you so-call love, but spend that money on a new girl.  I am still shaking my head over this one.  The DJ's said there had been a poll taken, and 65% of the male population agrees that they would leave their woman if she gained weight.  I don't know.......  It doesn't make me want to go starve myself for a relationship.  What about you?


Saturday, July 28, 2012

It's that time of the year again.........

So today was one of the two family reunions that I attend each summer.'s that time of the year again.  This one was for my dad's side of the family.  His family is smaller, and this year was very discouraging.  The normal packed out Rec Center, was very bare!  Still tons of food, but very few people.  Leave it to the families of the deep south to still have a lot of food.  They are always prepared to feed an  So this day has kicked my butt!!  Birthday weekend, class reunion weekend, and family reunion weekend.  Next weekend I get a reprieve, then it will be another family reunion weekend.  At least that one is local.......Yayyy..........  All the activity has thrown me off with my thought process and my writing.  I think when I finally close my eyes tonight, I will drift off to never never land, and stay there until I have to get up for work on Monday morning.....  Nahhh......  I will emerge with a new breath of fresh air!!  and just like that......I'm out for the night!!


Thursday, July 26, 2012

Too tired to talk.......

I've been thinking about all the relationships I've had over the years.......The ones that really meant something, and those that I could have done without.  So once again I was asked, what is love?  Do we really know?  I look at my parents and I see love.  Actually you feel the love around them.  I still don't think love like that comes around everyday.  I think when you find that person who captures your heart in a big way, you should hold on tight.  Try to make it work no matter what.  This has been on my mind for a couple of days again.  I really didn't want to go down this road because it just depresses me.  I am doing pretty good now.  I am kind of beating around the bush here, because I am not in the mood to write about anything specific, you know?  I am over tired right now.  I need to give the brain a rest.  So I am off to slumber land, and I'll catch you later ;-)


Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Time flies.......

When you're having fun.  In between my life going all different directions recently, I had a birthday.  Yes, that's right.  I turned the big 48.  I just don't feel older.  I feel very young.  I've never had a problem with aging.  I think I get better with age.  I did have this set back when I turned 25, which turned out to be a moment of insanity. happens to the best of us!  So.....reports say that 40 is the new 20.  Therefore, I am really 28.  Right?  Well, I breezed right through my birthday.  It was good.......with the exception of the hairdresser chopping my hair off.  I mean completely off!  And then some jerk backed into my car.  I guess it really was just a memorable birthday.  Lots of well wishes, and good stuff.  So recently there was the birthday weekend and the reunion weekend.  I have a family reunion this coming weekend.  It's my dad's side of the family.  I always try to go to that one no matter what.  So three busy weekends in a row.  That's not so good.  I'm not getting enough "me" time in.  I'm thinking about working in a sex weekend.  Yep......  I sure am.  I know...I know...  Cover your ears if you can't handle it.  I am not used to being NOT sexually active.  I miss it.  I need it.  I just need to find the right person who is a willing partner, you know?  When you've had the pretty good stuff for so long, it is hard to find something to fill that void.  I don't want to just jump into something with someone......and it be done out of loneliness, or it to be empty or baseless.......  You know what I'm saying.  I want passion.......  I want it all......  That is asking for a lot, but dammit.....  I am going to find it, if it kills me......  Just watch and see ;-)


Sunday, July 22, 2012

30 years later.......

I still remember my first day of school.  I remember my mom walking me into that kindergarten classroom, and pointing to all the children that I knew from before I then.....  Children that I went to birthday parties with.  It didn't matter, I was still shy!  I remember walking over to the little kitchen area which house a little wooden sink, stove and refrigerator.  There were baby dolls and all that girly stuff.  My mom kind of nudged me over there.  I really wanted to play with the blocks.....  So, this is where I started my school journey.  I went to school with most of these kids through the middle of my 10th grade year, when I was being bullied, and my parents could not get anyone to do a thing about it.  The easy way out was to say, we can transfer Susie to whatever school in the county she wants to go............Ugh!!  I wanted to graduate with these kids.  The ones I grew up with.  The ones I had called friends since I was 5 years old (some longer).  So, when the wonderful world of Facebook reconnected me to a lot of my old friends.......I was elated!  Then of course came the invitation to our 30th class reunion.  I was so excited!  Well, I have just completed 4 days of events for my 30 year class reunion.  There were some unexepected, unpredictible moments, but what a fun time it was!  The movie "Never Been Kissed" came to mind on the first night.  We took a trolley ride to the beach.....  The trolley was like a party bus for us.  As we were on the drive back to where our cars had been parked, and I watched my former classmates laughing and talking, and more......  I was taking it all in, as I did the whole weekend.  The end of that movie was so true.  There will always be those girls who look the same as they did in high school.  There will always be that group who is dancing the beat of their own drum, there are the nerds (or geeks), the ones who will always be the class clown, and the ones who will always be the life of the party.  You see those ones you had a crush on, and the fun memories come rushing back.......  But you all come together.  You hear what your friends have been up to.  You share pictures and stories, and you feel like you want to live in the moment forever.  Our big event on Saturday night couldn't happen without the MOST excitement.  A storm moved in, and our outdoor party had to be very quickly moved inside.  It didn't happen without being soaked from head to toe.  All we could do was laugh.....  We invaded the inside of the restaurant where their other patrons were eating, and they were very accomodating.  But close quarters is an understatement.  Cameras flashing, and many non-flattering pictures were being taken.  I got corned by a classmate who had been watching me for 2 nights.....Yikes!  He went for a hug, and I was going to be courteous and hug him back, like I did with everyone else, but I wasn't quite ready for his drunk confessions or professions of his attraction for me.  He kissed my neck, and went for the mouth more than once, all the while me peeling his hands off of me.  Only to turn around and see my girlfriends laughing at the whole scene.  What happened to the term "I've got your back, girl"?  Like, really......girls you could have helped out!  LOL!!  I finally broke free, and went over and asked if he was married.  I didn't want some angry wife coming over, and clawing my eyes out.  LOL!!!  Overall it was an amazing time.  I am already looking forward to the 40th reunion.  I think we will have to just bite the bullet and hire a party planner.  I think it will be a lot less stressful to those who try to organize.  I encourage anyone who has a class reunion coming to go for it.  Don't worry about what you might look like now.  Just go and have a good time!


Monday, July 16, 2012

My endless love......

When I was just eight years old, I met the cutest little nine year old boy in the world.  My family made move to South Georgia for a short period of time, and we started going to the same church his family attended.  I think it was love at first sight.  He had this beautiful smile, blue eyes, and kind of blonde hair back then.  So.....he wanted me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes.  Even though I was shy, and was afraid to talk to him.  He told one of my older brothers that he was going to marry me one day.  Clearly a bad case of puppy love ;-)  My sister ended up falling in love with his first cousin, and became engaged.  My family moved back to Florida, but my sister stayed there.....planning her wedding, and leaving me to fend for myself with the parents and  Due to wedding planning, and all that good stuff, we made frequent trips back to Georgia.  So I got to see my "boyfriend".  My sister decided to make me a junior bride, and my little boyfriend was the junior groom.  My mom made my dress identical to my sister's wedding gown.  I even had a vail!  How cool was that?  So the boy and I have an actual wedding picture too!  This set the course for my transitioning from girl into my womanhood.  He and I spent all our school holidays together because I would go stay with my sister.  My summer vacations were spent with him.  We went horseback riding, fishing, and all that good stuff together.  Then those crazy unpredictable things we call hormones decided to rear their ugly head.....  Lord have mercy!  It was like one summer we were in our awkward phase, and the next he was handsome, and I was developing into my young woman body.  There was definite admiration on both our parts.  It was at this time that we started exploring....  experimenting....  He had been telling me since I was eight years old that we were going to get married when we grew up.  That was back when I still believed in the fairytale.  I knew that we were too young to be fooling around, but there was chemistry at our young ages.  It started with the kiss, progressing to the touching, and then getting a little naked.  Then it happened.  It was Spring Break in my sophmore year of high school.  I was fifteen and he was sixteen.  My best friend had gone to Georgia with me.  He set her up with his best friend, and we would go out.  It was a couple of days before we were to leave to come home, and it happened.  I gave myself to him.  After all he had been telling me for like eight years that he was going to marry me.  I remember freaking out, and thinking that my mom would be able to tell that I was no longer a virgin.  I made my bff watch me walk down the hall to see if she could tell a difference.  She thought I was stupid!  Come on.....we were only fifteen years old......LOL!!  This set the course for the next three years of my life.  When I went to Georgia, we couldn't wait to have our alone time where we could express our love for each other.  It was during his senior year and my junior year that we started dating others.  After all we were teenagers, and he was there, and I was here.  We some how always managed to breakup with them when it came time for us to see each other for a holiday or vacation.  Then in the middle of my senior year, he called me right before my Christmas break.  He told me that he wanted to marry me.  I said, I can't marry you, I haven't even graduated from high school yet.  He had a good job by small town standards, and said he made enough to support us while I went to school.  He said I could go to school there.  It was spontaneous, and I was kind of going along with it.  I went to stay with my sister, and he and I spent all of our time together when he wasn't working.  By the end of the break, we agreed that I would come home, finish school, and we would get married that summer after I graduated.  It never happened......  He got involved with someone he worked with.  It broke my heart.  He was really serious about her, and he told me that he would be proposing to her.  I got more involved with the guy I had been seeing back home.  He wasn't good for me....but it helped cover my heartbreak.  I ended up moving to Georgia after I graduated.  I continued to sneak around and see my childhood sweetheart while he was engaged to the other girl.  Then he got married.  I got married.  We connected when both of our marriages went down the drain.  We seemed to always reconnect when we were in between relationships.  He told me that if ever I got pregnant, and the baby's daddy wouldn't have anything to do with me, he would marry me and raise the child.  Well, when I found out I was pregnant with my son, he had just married his second wife.  Our paths were always connected because his cousin was married to my sister.  One day we were talking, and he jokingly said, I was your first, I will be your last.  Then he said, when you're on your death bed, call me......I know....It was wild!!  I have always said he was my soulmate.  We couldn't have ever made it, but he was truly my first love......  It was like after him, nothing else mattered.  That set the course for my youthful, immature mistakes.......  But, I've survived.  That is what matters.  I often wonder what it would be like to be with him now just once as a real grown-up.  Just to see....You know?


Sunday, July 15, 2012

I've lost it!

When I said a while back that I always have a story......I'm not lying.  Only this story took me away from my greatest passion, writing.  I honestly believe I have gone through some type of breakdown....Whether it was mentally, emotionally, or whatever.  My life has not been my own.  I have been this person standing outside of my body watching myself go through daily motions, and not feeling a damn thing.  I'm still not completely myself.....  I now have a PERMANENT job.  I love it.  I'm happy.....  I mean as happy as one can be still feeling empty inside.  I continue to be positive, because the only other alternative is to be mean spirited......and I refuse to do that!  I mean.....  I could, and sometimes I do...but I really try hard not to.  I have been thinking of getting back on track with "my" story.  I have so much to tell, so I am going to tell it.  My 30 year class reunion begins later this week, and moves through the weekend.  So since I write about best about relationships and love, I'm going to talk about the men of my life ;-)