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Friday, August 26, 2011

Going home.........

I am really having a lot of those days recently where I feel like everything is spiraling out of control, and I can't get it back.  I go back to this time 3 years ago.  I was dating here and there, but nothing really worth anything.  My Aunt Dot was dying.  It had been 2 years since she had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  God spared her life, and gave us those 2 years to prepare ourselves for her death.  It still wasn't enough time......  I think of how many times she came to my rescue, and how many times that she was there if I needed to talk.  I couldn't bring myself to go see during her in final time.  I don't deal with death well at all.  I couldn't bare to see her like that.  I sent her a card.  She got the card and I know she got it, and I know that she understood.  It was right after her death that my Ryan had an emotional breakdown.  He had stayed with his dad in Georgia after Aunt Dot's funeral.  He told his dad that he was taking his medicine and he wasn't.  Not even 24 hours after he came home, he attempted suicide.  He didn't scream or say "I'm going to kill myself".  He caught me off guard.  I didn't know I even had it in me to find the words to talk him into not harming himself, but when it's your child standing in front of you with a knife at his throat, and his mouth full of pills, you have to do something.  I was able to keep him from taking his life, but he took off.  I combed the streets crying, on the phone with one of my best friends, knowing I would have to do what I didn't want to do.  I finally found him, and couldn't reason with him, so I called 911.  They sent a deputy who after speaking to both of us had Ryan admitted into the hospital for evaluation.  We weathered that storm, and 3 years later every day is still a battle, but we make it.  Then I met the ex beau.  I didn't count on meeting someone who would impact my life like he did.  I lost my job of 12 years a few months after meeting him, and it took me almost 7 months to find work.  I finally get back on track, and it was too late.  I was outside of that 1 year time frame that he said he thought we had a chance.  I met him coming out of family tragedies, fall in love, then out of work.  It just wasn't a good first impression I guess.  I am that girl in the song "The House That Built Me".  It's like I've gotten so caught up in what I am supposed to be or expected to be, and caught up in this crazy world, that I need to get back to that place where I started from.  I don't want to run back and change my past.  It's what has made me who I am today.  But, when I'm feeling really down, I take a little drive down the road and turn down Columbia Avenue.  I drive slowly by my childhood home.  It doesn't look like it did when we lived there.  I often think about going up to the door, knocking, and asking if I can come in just for a minute.  I want to run up the spiral staircase to my old bedroom.  The "gold" room as it was called.  When my parents added onto our house to make room for our expanding family, the 2 upstairs bedrooms were called the "gold" room and the "blue" room.  My sister had the "gold" room and my 2 older brothers had the "blue" room.  As they started moving on, I finally got the "gold" room.  It was so big, and it's where I lived out my teen years.  A lot of girl talk happened in that room.  A lot of dreaming.......  I just want to go and sit in that room.  Not to change things, but to remember how simple life was.  Wishing that I had that love that my parents still share to this day.  I have been reconnecting with a lot of my childhood friends recently.  It has been so great!  It's like we've never been apart.  It makes me feel like that teenager again.  Silly I know, but it's a good place to be these days.  Not that spiraling out of control place that I seem to be stuck in.  I just really want to slide through September and past October 3rd, and maybe I will finally be able to really let go of these demons I am battling.  Who knows, maybe I will get the nerve to go up to my old front door, and ask if I can come inside just for a minute.


Sunday, August 21, 2011


I have always tried to keep a positive attitude, even when things are not going well.  Sometimes it is very hard.  I always try to take negatives and turn them into a positive.  I always try to find the good in something bad.  I find myself saying; everything happens for a reason; when one door closes, another door opens; and this all a part of God's bigger plan for me.  I remember recently, my Ryan called me while I was still at work.  Our puppy, Lucky, had chewed up the cord on his Nintendo DS charger.  Knowing that something even as simple at this could trigger Ryan into a meltdown, I listened to him, and let him know that it was okay, and we could get a new one.  I told him I would call the Gamestop in between my office and our house.  He calmed down, and I knew things would be okay.  I called them, and they said they had new ones for $10.  I was thanking God that it was only $10.  I got out of the office a little later, and took a different route to get to get to the store to pick up Ryan's new game charger.  I was driving along when my phone rang.  It was one of my best friends who also works in the same offices that I do.  She said she wanted to make sure I was okay, because she had just heard on the radio there had been an accident at one of the intersections on the route home I usually take home.  I let her know that I had taken a different way because I had to run an errand for Ryan.  She said, oh I forgot about that.  We both said that if Lucky had not chewed up Ryan's game charger, I would have been at that intersection at the around the time the accident happened, and I could have very well been me.  So we deemed that the day that Lucky saved my life.  I wasn't always like this.  I used to talk about the little black cloud that rested comfortably over my head.  How bad luck could find me whenever or wherever.  I think things started changing for me when my Ryan was very ill a few years ago.  I felt like I could take no more.  I had always been told that God will never give you more than you can handle.  I renewed my relationship with God at that time.  I remember that  night when I was driving home from the hospital, and the Carrie Underwood song, "Jesus Take the Wheel" came on the radio.  I broke down crying, and started praying.  It is amazing how my whole outlook changed.

One of my best girlfriends in high school, Karen (yes, she told me I could use her name), and I had been trying to talk for a couple of weeks.  We had been texting and playing telephone tag.  I just had this feeling that she was going through something, and I think she was getting that from me too.  Finally we hooked on through instant messaging on Facebook on Friday night, and made plans to talk on the phone the next morning.  Finally........  We got to talk.  She and I both are feeling the affects of many different things going on in our lives at this time.  We had joked the night before about having a "Thelma & Louise" moment, Tim McGraw, and Bruce Willis.  If you knew us back in high school, you would understand ;-)  Karen and another one of our friends from our school days joke about how they corrupted me.  These days both Karen and I are Christians.  We can talk about anything from those days when we first met the summer between 10th and 11th grade to the present.  We talk about our faith in God.  Karen said to me while we were talking, that she wished she could take the negatives and turn them into positives like I do.  I explained to her that while I am always trying to be positive, sometimes deep down I am just not feeling it.  While she and I were talking, it hit me that the things were talking about were inspiring me.  That she was an inspriration to me.  Karen had gone through similar things like I had in her past, and most recently she lost both her parents 63 days apart.  Something that I could never imagine.  She always has a smile on her face, and always has something positive to say.  I told her that I was going to blog on the whole positive thinking thing, and let her know she was my inspiration.  Karen and her husband have a boat.  It is named "Believe".  She told me when they first docked their boat at the marina where it is housed, that the people around thought that Karent and her husband were "Bible Thumpers" and they were going to cram religion down their throat.  She said that they laugh now about it.  She said that her and her husband of course believe in God, but believe could mean anything....  I said, yes, "Believe" to me is God, hopes, dreams, possibilities, and many other things.  We both agreed that we would be lost if we could not have our dreams.  Later that afternoon, my Ryan and I ran up to the store to pick up a few things.  When we got out of the car and I turned around there was a perfect rainbow.  You could see the beginning and the end.  You never see that.  At least I can't remember if I ever had seen one, or when it was.  A friend told me years ago that rainbows represent dreams and inspirations.  I thought how appropriate that it was there before my eyes.  Especially after the conversation Karen and I had just had.  I took pictures.  It took me three pictures to get the whole rainbow.  I took it as a sign that there is hope.  Dreams do come true.  You just have to "Believe".

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Please Read........

I have been so caught up in what is going wrong in my life lately that I have forgotten to stop and recognize what is important.  Focusing on the real things in life and getting away from the drama a little bit is the dose of medicine I need right now.  I will be back in full force soon ;-)  I am asking that you read this post my cousin shared in her blog today.  She and I are both mothers to sons with Asperger's Syndrome.  Mine is 25 and hers is 14.  This story she has shared is in memory of her friend who also had AS.  Please read, and feel free to share it with others.  More awareness needs to be brought to Asperger's Syndrome, and all the other Autism Spectrum Disorders.  Feel free to comment as well.  Thank you and God Bless!

Friday, August 12, 2011

Things we don't expect....

I pray A LOT.  I've written before about thinking sometimes God doesn't answer my prayers.  But I 've come to the realization that God answers the prayers in his own time, when he knows we are ready.  The ones he may not answer, but something different happens, and you see the reasoning in it, and you know he in his own way has anwered your prayer in a modified way.  The one thing I do know is when friends ask me to remember them or their loved ones in my prayers, I do, and usually good things happen.  My co-worker/friend's husband started having heart problems recently.  It was not good, and he is not an old person either.  My friend asked me to pray for him.  I did, and asked for family and friends to remember him in their prayers as well.  He had surgery this past week, and is doing well.  He came by the office today, and visited with us for a little while.  I had walked back to my office and picked back on my work, and he came into my office.  He walked around my desk, and told me he felt like he needed to give me a hug, and thanked me.  I told him I was very happy that his surgery had been a success, and he was feeling better.  It really caught me off guard, but it felt good.  I was talking to my friend later and told her what he did.  She said, he does that.  He's a hugger, and he must have felt he needed to do that.  It's those little things in life that make a difference.  Praying doesn't cost a thing, but giving those you care about and God a little bit of your time is priceless.


A child's request.........

After a few posts of negativity and ripping on the man that I am still very much in love with, I decided that I need to move away from that.  I need to take a step back myself, and get a clear head.  Clearly I am a forgiving person, and have a hard time being mean.  With that said, I am going to talk about something that really touched me earlier in the evening. 

Tonight while on my Facebook page, my 9 year old niece im'd me.  She is the daughter of my youngest brother.  Her grandma (my sister inlaw's mother), who she has a very close relationship with was taken to the ER earlier in the evening.  I made some small talk with her, and eventually she worked into telling me about her grandma.  I read what she wrote, and responded gently with her, knowing that she is visibly scared that her grandma may die.  I remember when my Ryan was just a few years older than she was my grandma passed away.  My Ryan took it very hard.  I, at times, don't think I dealt with it in the right way with him.  So I wanted to be sure I didn't say the wrong thing with her.  We chatted for a little while, and I think she must have been thinking about what I said.  She eventually told me good night, but before she did she did a little post on her FB page, saying her grandma was back in the hospital, and she was praying for her and asked that everybody pray.  God love her........  A child's plea for prayers for her grandma.  Communicating with her tonight and reading what she wrote makes me think everything else around me seems so small compared to what big things are going through her little mind.  It was only a couple of years ago she lost her grandpa.  She still has my parents, but she has been fortunate to be close to both sets of grandparents.  So, I am going to ask that if you pray..........Please remember my niece's grandma in your prayers.  And remember to keep those you love close to your heart, and never pass up the chance to tell them just how much they mean to you.  Thanks for following.........  God Bless!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

One of those days!

YEP........  Woke this morning to a gosh awful mini monsoon.  Heavy rain, thunder and lightning.  It sucks when you're expected to look professional on days like this.  You put on your nice clothes, fix the hair and make-up, and go out the door and YIKES!!!  And then, as if that wasn't enough, I get dumped in a text message........  The kicker on this one is that I wasn't even in a relationship to be "dumped".......LMAO!!!!  Some people should listen when they are told they don't have friends.  Because when someone tells them that, and that person thinks they do have friends?  You have to know how to be a friend before someone will return the friendship.  It's a shame that I put myself out there to somebody only to have it thrown back in my face with such force.  So guess what?  I'm not going to contact that person anymore.  Let them learn a lesson from this.  Let them wake up one morning, and realize you burned a bridge that you shouldn't have.  I know I keep saying this, but I have a good heart.  I am a very compassionate person.  I forgive a lot.  But at some point, I don't know.  I'm not sure if I have it in me anymore.  I honestly believe my spirit has been broken.  Now, I'm going to try to move on.......  Maybe find me some hottie and have a little fun to help me through this bad day!  LOL!!!  Yeah, I'm single, available, and I can do stuff like that.  Just a little sumthin sumthin.......Ahhhh.........  I have to get to bed.  Late nights and early mornings are kicking my butt!!!  Hoping tomorrow is not "ONE" of those days! 


Okay. So maybe it wasn't such a good idea.....

Just like we go on blind faith when we believe in God, a lot of times we go on blind faith in relationships.  We believe in a feeling that is so strong that it is way bigger than we are, and we are so drawn to it that it's hard to walk away.

I felt that him taking that step to open up to me was such a big thing.  It was not a promise that he and I would be together again, but maybe a direction in building a friendship and getting to know each other better.  We have taken a step in that direction, but something is just not right.  I feel like all the men I get involved with look to me for some type of guidence.  Almost like I am their teacher, therapist, cheerleader, etc.  They walk away from me and "move on".  Then later come back and tell me what a big mistake it was.  By then it's too late.  I lay the ground work for them to spread their wings to fly out there only to get shot down.  I am that girl that every guy wants, but doesn't want to be with.  It's like; we have great chemistry, great sex, great conversation, I enjoy being with you............BUT............I don't love you.  I just don't have those feelings.  Then a little ways down the road........BAM.......I love you..........  Shocker, right?  Yeah, I know!  Well I think it sucks!  The whole, I've been married and divorced 3 times!  Well, guess what??  I have too, and all before I was 30!  I don't think anyone can beat that.  I am thinking that while I thought I was helping him, and trying to be a friend to him........It was all to help him "move on".  A lot of good I did!  He asked how long does one wait, and what will it take for me to ditch a man.  Trust is a big issue for me.  Chemistry, sex, and communication are what it's all about.  So 3 out of 4 is pretty good.  And what is love?  I know I blogged on that a couple of nights ago.  But how can you mesh with someone on every level and not love them?  Ugh.........  This will forever be my mission. 


Monday, August 8, 2011

Blah, Blah, Blah...........

Sometimes I wish I were not so honest.  Sometimes I wish I could really be mean.  But unfortunately I have a heart, and my heart rules more than my head a lot of the time.  You've heard people say a guy's brain is in his d***, well I really think my brain is in my heart.  I always want to see the good in people.  I try to find reason in why people do the things they do.  Which is probably why I had 2 abusive marriages and 1 abusive relationship.  So why do I continue to put myself out there to be hurt?  When it happens I always say, never again, never again.  But, when I truly believe someone is being sincere I try to understand where they are coming from.  Give them the benefit of the doubt.  The end result........I get walked all over and hurt.

Don't we want to see good in people?  All people?  I think we do to some degree.  The woman arrested for shoplifting; We want to believe she is struggling and doing what she has to in order to feed her children.  Only thing is, is she is stealing make-up or something that is considered a want, not a need.  I am told all the time that I am too nice.  I am practicing here and there to be  I may practice in my  I don't know exactly what brought on these thoughts today.  I don't think it was one certain thing.  But I needed to get it off my chest.  This is kind of Blah, Blah,


I need to know what love is.........

I started to write about this subject about a week ago, when I had reached an all new low in my turmoil over the "break-up".  It just wasn't the right time.  So now, after a very unexpected weekend that was emotional for me on some level, I think I am ready to go down this road.  But, I've written before about my ups and downs.  The rise and fall of marriages and relationships, and most recently my "break-up".  Devistation is more like that one.  This of course, has left me with the question of what is love, and how do we know if it is the real deal or not?

When I met the man I was recently dating, I experienced feelings and emotions that I had never felt with any of my husbands, or in any relationship I had been in.  It hit me so hard that I wasn't sure I knew what was happening, much less how to handle this overwhelming sensation.  I am from a large family.  My parents are in an intact marriage, and have no problem showing their affection toward one another, and the deep love they have is and always has been very evident.  Then I had aunts and uncles who were married for years.  Some of which I now look back on, and realize I was just too young to recognize things weren't right somewhere there.  I get it now that I am older, and some of those long term marriages have ended.

Ever since he dumped me, I have been hanging on for dear life.  Hoping, praying, and never losing the faith that he would come back to me.  He on the other hand, could not get why I couldn't just forget it and move on.  Well............DUHHH.........  I'm in love.  We have talked, chatted, texted, but he would not allow me to discuss what I was going through.  I am a huge "closure" person.  I find that if I talk things out enough, I will be okay.  I have to close circles.  I don't do well with things just hanging out there.  Well talk about a change in tides........

We were chatting yesterday, and his attitude was completely different.  It is like some of the things I had been saying to him over the past few weeks were finally sinking in.  I can't go into detail because it is not my place to discuss what someone else is dealing with without their permission.  But this is private between he and I, and I won't go into it.  I will say that he opened up to me about some things, and we had the most deep and fulfilling conversation that we've ever had.  I was shocked that he chose me to open up to, but glad he did.  I think we both realized that there was a major communication breakdown between us.  We have talked a lot over the past couple of days.  It feels really good.  I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know I feel good about it today. 

So back to my questions about love.  I have asked my parents together and individually what they thought made a marriage last.  I've asked my sister and some friends in long term marriages, and while I've gotten different responses their answers were all similar.  My idea of love and a happy relationship is trust, commitment, respect, communication, friendship, chemistry, passion and lots of great sex (not necessarily in that order).  I would think you couldn't have the chemistry without physical attraction, right?  So, I want someone to tell me why if you have all of those ingredients, you can't make a relationship work?  I am guessing that if there is a breakdown in any of those things, then you would have problems.  I had these things with him.....  But when I thought we were communicating, we weren't.  There was the breakdown.  I was talking, but he wasn't listening.  Maybe he was and I didn't think he was.  I was overdoing it.  Talking things to death, overreacting when I shouldn't have.  But he wasn't getting me either.  We let all the walls, barricades, whatever you want to call them down when we talked yesterday.  For me that is love........  When you admit you have issues, and want to work on them to make you a better person.  When you open up to that person and share with each other, really share.  Doesn't that in some way say, I want to try to make this work?  At least get better for me to see if we have a chance?  Not running away anymore...........  I think that is LOVE........  I may be wrong.  But I think for once in my life, I'm right on this ;-)


Monday, August 1, 2011

Unanswered Prayers........

Just what I didn't need......  I some how broke my glasses yesterday afternoon.  I thought that I might be able to get a little more wear out of them though.  I mean it's not like I've only had these glasses for like 15 years.  So this morning I go into work, check the calendar, then ask my boss if I can leave a little early so that I can go have my eyes examined and order new glasses.  Thank goodness she was okay about it.

So, I leave my office about an hour and 15 minutes early.  The weather was overcast with storms brewing.  Typical summer weather in Florida.  I was driving along in the busy traffic, wet roads, and so on.  I was approaching a busy intersection where there was an on ramp to a major interstate, when the light turned yellow.  I thought I could stop in time, but I couldn't.  My car started sliding....  Everytime I tapped my brakes my car would start to fishtail.......  So I just said "sweet Jesus", and went sliding through one red light, and almost another.  I thought, if a cop is around I will suck it up and take the ticket.  I was praying that I didn't hurt someone else or myself.  I made it cops and everything still intact.  I didn't think much more about it until one of my younger brothers called me.  I was complaining about having to just drop $300 for an eye exam and new glasses.  I said that I didn't understand why God didn't answer my personal prayers.  He will answer when I pray for other, but my prayers go unanswered.  Then like a lightning bolt from the sky......  I said, wait just a minute!  He answered my prayers...........  When I went sliding through the traffic light and intersection I could have been injured badly or gotten killed.  Worse than that, I could have killed someone.  I told my brother that $300 is not a bad price for having my life.  Sometimes when you don't think the big guy unpstairs is listening, he is.