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Sunday, January 29, 2012

When we meet someone new and begin a relationship, do we really think the intimate details we share will one day be thrown back at us?  I know I didn't.  I took the path of being honest and open, only to be scrambling with emotion over it being thrown back in my face.  It feels totally different when you hear it the way that person processed it, and it doesn't sound the same.  It sounds dirty, and almost like your most deepest intimate details of your life have been stolen, and plastered all over a tabloid.  No, he didn't blab it to everyone that I'm aware of, but the way he said things back to me....  I just knew either he was trying to hurt me, or he just didn't get it.  I felt violated.  When I finally met the one I felt comfortable enough with, and happy with to share things with after many years of being alone......  I shared.  Not only was it that I wanted to share, but he asked things, and I was honest.  Because of this, I will be back to square one on my trust issues.  Because of things I had gone through in past relationships, trust is not one of my stronger suits.  I let my guard down with him.  I felt he was the one.  I thought if I don't, I might be passing on the best thing that could ever happen to me.  I keep trying to let go of this, but it's hard.  I broke down and emailed him about the things he had thrown back at me.  I shouldn't have felt I needed to defend myself or make excuses.  I am real......what you see in me is it.  Of course he won't respond.  I really don't want him to.  I just wanted him to know that he had hurt me even more.  His words when he wrote me what he did was......I don't hate you.  I care about you.  Really now?  Then why this?  Why throw things out there, and then expect me to go away quietly?  I really do like to think I am super woman, but that's a big cape to fill, and I am just not up to it these days......  This is just something weighing heavy on my mind.  I am not ready to go into detail what trust he violated, but it hit me hard.  Almost like his perception of me is something so far fetched.  He knows me, and he knows I am not like others he has been involved with.  So why this?  Ugh...........  I think I'm going to blog about something wild the next time.......  Gotta get this all out of my system!!  What do you think?

I have been away........wayyyy too long!  I mean in the sense I haven't connected with my followers, and such.  As you all know, I have been on this crazy roller coaster ride for a few months.  Ups and downs.....starting with my parent's accident, my Ryan being sick, my job loss, and being dumped for the 999th time.  Not good......  I've been thinking a lot, and doing a lot of soul searching.  My mind is so jumbled.  Kind of like one of those metal baskets that hold the bingo numbers, and when the person drawing a number and spins the basket it around, it's just this jumbled up mess.......  A lot of noise...  So I am going to tell you a little about where I am now, and then get back on track.  My parents are doing dad does have to have surgery on his knee, but for the most part the folks are great.  My Ryan is doing much better since he got the kidney stone broken up and removed.  Being dumped is not a good feeling at all...........  But the new job, while still temporary, is going great!  I am hoping the temporary changes to permanent soon.  I am one of those people who needs consistency in my life when it comes to work and love.  I like to try new things.....experiment, you know?  But I need to know I have a steady income (thus job security) and one man in my life to complete my circle of life.  I just don't do good out there on the dating scene.  I'm no good a juggling men.  Nor do I want to.  I hate dating websites with a passion.  I used to be on "some".  But seeing the same men on every one of them..........with some totally different profile made my stomach turn.  I was always consistent with my profile.  Rambling.......that is what this is.  All because I am working up to bigger and better things.  If that makes sense.  Right now, I am falling asleep.  So I will head on to bed.......  I will be back tomorrow.


Thursday, January 26, 2012


I need me time!!  I am so glad tomorrow is Friday, and the weekend is here.  I am literally wiped out.  So I was supposed to have big plans this weekend, and I do not feel up to it.  I am bummed about a lot of things, and really need me time.  I had a cousin who was killed in an auto accident last night.  It's weird, but I really didn't know know him.  I grew up with his older siblings, but I haven't been around him.  So, while he is a first cousin, I feel weird about not really knowing him.  Got a lot on my mind........  So I may just veg out and write this weekend.  I'm thinking about talking about some things that are out of the norm for me.....  What do you think?  Let's see if I can pull it off ;-)


Monday, January 23, 2012


Yes, slacker..........that would be me!  I am working 12 hour days, and literally exhausted by the time I get home.  I was going to sit down with my thoughts this past weekend, but it didn't happen.  So I wanted to check in here.......see how things are going.  Maybe tomorrow I will come home, play with my puppy, then lock myself in my room and blog.....  I owe you all that ;-)  Also, if I don't do it soon........I'm sure my brain will short circuit!  I kid you not.  I have got to get to writing my thoughts down soon..... So enjoy your week, and check back with me........


Thursday, January 19, 2012

I got a job!

I got a job!  Granted it's only a temp to permanent hire :-/  Keep your fingers crossed for me though......I am going into day 2.  So, of course getting back to work after being lazy, depressed, and feeling disgusting.  I am adjusting.  I will be sitting down this weekend, and catching you up on things, as well as sharing some thoughts of right where I am at on the emotional level and stuff.  So watch out ;-)


Sunday, January 15, 2012

Between being sick and visiting family, I have neglected my blog here.  I'm finally getting over being ill.  My fever gone for 3 days.  My sister, and her oldest granddaugther, my great niece came to visit.  We have had the most awesome time.  My niece, her younger sister, and I used to have what we called sleepovers when I would go visit my sister years ago.  But since I've been through job changes, and my Ryan being sick, I just haven't gotten to visit like I used to.  So my niece is now 16.  She is such a beautiful young lady.  We have had a blast this weekend.  We have Facebooked back and forth, and laughed until we couldn't laugh anymore........and we have eaten NON-stop!!  I really needed this weekend.  I miss that part of my family time.  I hadn't seen my sister in a while, and it was all just what the doctor ordered.  Still........through my down time, I have had a lot going on in my mind.  I will be sitting down, and sharing really soon.  So once again.......I ask......please don't give up on me.  I will be back ;-)


Sunday, January 8, 2012

I miss her so much.......

My Aunt Dottie.....  I've mentioned her a lot since I first began blogging.  She was my mom's younger sister.  She and my Uncle Johnny were listed in my parent's Will when we were minors to be our guardians should anything happen to my parents back then.  Not only was she my mom's sister, but my mom's best friend.  She was like a second mom to us kids.  She never wanted any child to feel left out.  She said she remembered my mom and dad never leaving her children out, and others who helped during hard times, so when she was able to help others, she did.  I just remember her always being there for me.  She was there for me when I first broke it to my parents I was getting married to husband #1, she was there when I called my mom to tell her I was pregnant with my Ryan, and everytime I hit rock bottom she was there to listen and offer me advice.  I remember that time I was talking about finding a man who makes me happy....  She said, have to find happiness within yourself.....  Only you can make yourself happy.  She told me that a man can add and enhance, but the happiness comes from within.  I remember freaking out when the guy in an upstairs apartment from me called DCF on me and reported me for child abuse on my Ryan.  Of course it wasn't abuse, and it was resolved.  It goes back to not knowing what was wrong with Ryan then, and knowing he is a high functioning autism (Asperger's Syndrome).  When I called her she said, Susie, cooperate with them.  Show them that you have done nothing wrong.  I did, and it was unfounded, and they got me in to see a counselor for Ryan.  She was just always there.  When we were kids, and intrigued with the myth of "Bigfoot"....she went right along with it.  There was a movie, and she loaded us kids up in my parent's big station wagon, and took us to see that movie at the dollar theater.  On the way home she drove down a dark road by a cemetary near our house.  The battery chose that moment to go dead.  We thought she was just playing around with us, but she wasn't.  She went to a house and called mom and dad.  My dad came there, and jump started the car..........fussing all the way.  She laughed with us all the way back home.  I only have the fondest of memories.  What brought these thoughts on tonight?  You all know I've been sick.  So, all my friends on Facebook have been telling me to make a hot toddy to see if that would help knock this stuff out.  Well, my Aunt Dottie made them for me back when I was in my 1st marriage...... Husband #1 always called her when I got sick.  There were a couple of times he had to drive over and pick her up, but she was always ready to take care of me.  She sat up with me a many of nights.....  So tonight as I was making me one, I broke down.  I really miss her.  It's like I can hear her voice as if she were right here beside me now.  When she was diagnosed with cancer years ago it was devistating.  But God spared her for 2 years.  He gave her time to get her business in order, and give us time to get used to the idea that she would be gone.  I still don't think any amount of time would prepare us for that.  I was dusting the other day, and picked up a picture of her and my Uncle Johnny.  They looked so happy together.  She was well when the picture was taken.  That's how I try to remember her.  But I know at times like this, for each of us in the family, that we remember her warmth and love.  I know one day my mom and I were talking, and remembering.  We both broke down crying.  I know she is in heaven sitting with Grandma and my other family members....  She is probably smiling down on me right now.......  I am going to be okay........  But I miss her so much.........


Saturday, January 7, 2012

About last night.......

So he and I decided to part ways for good this time.  For me it's a very unhealthy relationship.  Sometimes loving someone too much is not enough.  So, I gave him my word that I would not contact him again, and I meant it........  I had prayed and handed everything over to God, and I meant it.....  It was out of my control now.  So last night was very restless for me as I am still sick, and running a fever.  So after tossing and turning I got up, and got my laptop, and booted up for a long night ahead.  It was actually the wee hours of the morning at this time.  So no more than I had signed on to my messenger I received an instant message from him.  It said, hey baby you there??  I was still fuzzy, and looked again.  The picture on his messenger was not his picture.  It was a woman's body.....  Not showing her face, but below the neck down, and she had her legs pulled up to her.  She was in a skin tight dress, and stiletto heals.  Underneath it had something like having fun, and her name was Gabby.  So, I asked if it was him, and she says 24/female, you?  I said I was a very close friend of his.  She came back with I'm sorry, I forget what I am doing sometimes.  At this point I figured he had been hacked.  I had received an email from him last week, and we had discussed it.  I deleted the email, and never brought it up again.  A couple of years ago we had this happen as well, but it was someone soliciting for their weightloss product.  He did some virus/add-a-ware scans, changed passwords, and we didn't have any problems with it until now.  So I told this person I knew she had hacked his messenger, and I had reported her.  I then texted him with the specifics.  Of course I didn't hear anything from him.  I'm sure he thought it was trumped up just to talk to him.  But quite frankly.......since I prayed about all of this I haven't been anxious, or anything like that about him.  What did bother me is that he was not concerned at all about being hacked, and this hoochie mama contacting decent people.  I don't want someone contacting me under his name.  The hurt and pain is there from this final breakup has been tough enough.  I just don't need to deal with this.  Out of respect to me I thought he would apologize and let me know that he was taking care of it, but no.......I've heard nothing, and I am sure not going to contact him anymore.  So.....  I think it's safe to say that I am a little over last night.  No tears........  He lost the best thing he ever had!  It's over just like that!


Friday, January 6, 2012

Double Blessings......

Today was Epiphany.......  It's a Greek holiday (Feast Day).  Look it up on Wikipedia.  I grew up one town away from where one of the biggest celebrations take place.  I finally got to attend one of the celebrations a few years back.  Today, I took my Ryan.  Yes, we're both very sick, but we braved the crowds to go see the young men dive for the cross.  Two of my very dear friends had sons who were diving.  I had gotten up this morning really not thinking that Ryan and I would go.  But there was a small chain of events that put my faith into perspective.....  I have been in such a struggle with many things in my life recently that I truly felt I could not recover from any of it.  There have been so many times that I have literally been ready to throw my hands up in the air, and give up.  This morning was one of those times.  I finally had the breakdown that I knew was right there on the horizon.  I had read my cousin's recent blog, and she was talking about completely letting things go....turning everything over to God.  It hit very close to home.  I have always prayed and said Lord, I am putting this or that in your hands.  And while I thought what I was doing was didn't feel right.  This morning I was of the mindset that if I am going to hit rock bottom, and lose everything......Then I am going to pray, and I am going to hand everything over to you Lord.  You have never failed me, and I don't believe you will now.  So, I gave him everything.......  I handed over my job situation, my relationship situation, my money situation, Ryan, and both our health.  If I lose everything......  I will rebuild.  By trying to hold onto the control in my life and not trusting God......I was letting the devil win.  I am ready to have happiness and good health in my life.  I deserve that.  I have been fortunate with what I've been blessed with.  I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and being the victim.  I need to pull myself out of the dumps, and move forward.  That is what life is all about.  After all if what we are dealing with does not kill us.......It will only make us stronger.  I can't make promises that I won't be in "one" of those moods, and rant and write, but it will be just a moment........Because God has my life, and I am looking forward to all the good things that he has instore for me.....  Oh......and the cross?  The original was not immediately found.  So they decided to throw the back-up cross.  One young man found the second one.  Some of the devoted young men stayed in the water going back to search for the original, and one young man found it.  This year there was double blessings for two very fortunate young men........ 


Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Wa Wa Wa

I think we now see a pattern.....  Me and being sick is NOT a good mix!  I am whiny, needy, and a total mess!  So, I have been dealing with this cold for a few days now.  I just don't get how little kids can have a cold, with their noses running, coughing and all that, and continue to run around playing.  All the while wiping their snotty noses on the back of their shirt sleeve.  I have a cold, and it literally kicks my ass!  I just curl up in a ball in bed and cry........  Right now my whole body is aching.  My head hurts......I am not getting much air via breathing through my nose.  It really sucks!  Not to mention I have this huge zit along the top of my's under the skin, and totally red!  So that adds to the headache!  See......I told you me and being sick do NOT mix!  It is also freezing here.....  I'm in Florida.....  Okay?  It rarely gets cold here.  I kind of think Mother Nature screwed up.  It was supposed to be cold on Christmas Day.  But NOOOO.........  It was beach weather on Christmas.  I need to go back to work.....  I do not do staying home very well either.  I think the ways I sound right now?  Well, I remember one of my friends who is also a Paralegal, first worked with me.  She called one of the Judge's office, and spoke with his Judicial Assistant.  She proceeded to tell her that she really needed to get the hearing she was trying to schedule done earlier than the dates she was given.  The J.A. (as we call them) says, Wa............  Yeah......  As in wa wa wa!  Well that is me right now.........  Sorry :-(


Tuesday, January 3, 2012

I win.......

I have a theory.......  As I was lying in bed last night......unable to sleep because of this miserable cold I have......  I was thinking.  Are we all natural born competitors?  I mean we all like to win.  So is life just one big competition?  Even in relationships.  With him, I feel like he has always had to have the upper hand.  He has always had to be the one who knows everything.  However, I have learned that you could have every college degree out there, and still be lacking common sense.  So, with him.......  I love him, but I also know that if I let go, he will come back.  He always does.  But in my thought process last night, I got to thinking maybe this has become a competition for me.  I go on this mission to show I can manipulate him, and get him to come back.  I have not failed yet, although it has gotten harder.  It's like I want to show him, show him that he will come back.  Kind of that na na na na boo boo thing.  Only thing is........I can't say na na na na boo boo to him......  So if I could get to that point I might be able to walk away.......  Does this thought process sound crazy?  Maybe.......but, I think it's valid.  It's all about satisfaction.  If he decides to read this.......I'm screwed, but really.......  I think I am right about this ;-)


Monday, January 2, 2012

Not today, please...........

NO WAY...........  So I wake up this morning feeling completely rested.  Ready to head into my day.  Take the Christmas Tree down, clean, laundry, laundry, laundry (which by the way, I'm on my 3rd load, and it's not even noon-Go me!).  Then I start coughing.  WTF?!?!!!  It's is not some little cough.  Noooooooo.............It's got to be that deep cough that racks my body.  Feels just the way it was like 3+ years ago when I had pneumonia.  My Ryan and I have sinus allergies, and have been sneezing, but now this........  Ryan has insurance, I don't.  I don't even have a job at this point, and unemployment is nothing to brag about.  So much for being positive today.......UGH!!!  Time to start drinking OJ, taking Vitamin C, and cold meds......  Kick this in the butt before it kicks my butt!  I swear.......If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.......  Let me go sulk for a little while........  I'll be back ;-)

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Of all the stupid things......

Four years ago, my former boss of 12 years gave me a huge bottle of Jack Daniels.  It is so big that it has a stand that you can tilt and pour.  Okay.......I'm not a drinker.  I mean I have a drink every once in a blue moon.  I'm a whiskey girl.  I like beer too.....  Not much for those fruity little drinks with umbrellas.  So....  many events leading into my New Year's Eve.  Needless to say.........  I did, I don't remember how many shots from that 4 year old bottle of JD.  I im'd him.....  To my shock he responded.  But just the time he responded?  He stopped!  I'm like WTF??  He was invisible.  I would have never known he was there had he not responded.  So then I texted him, and again he responded.  Again...  WTF??  It was our first time in 3 years we had not rang in the new year together.  Earlier in the day, he had told me we were over.  Completely over.  Severed ties.......  Yeah, right!  He also said he had plans that night.  LMAO!!!  Yeah, right!  I googled commitment phobia......  Did you know that it is classified as a real anxiety?  Yes, it is.....  They even have a list of symptoms.  He had every symptom.  In all my craziness into the wee hours of the morning.....  I im'd him the link to the article I found.  I am crazy.......I know.  But he does have a commitment phobia.  I told him on the phone yesterday that once he resolves it, it will be too late, and he will have lost me :-/  I wasn't drinking when I said that though......  I am working on this......  I have to do it in my own time.  As for the other one?  I don't really think it's commitment phobia.......  I've just never gone past the friendship with him.  I could have pursued it more, but it's my fear of losing him as my friend.  Hell.......maybe I have commitment phobia.  Nah.......for me?  It's trust.  I have major trust issues.  I have been married to two cheaters, who also physically and emotionally abused me......  I am afraid of that happening again.  Yes, I am afraid.  So.....  2012 is my year.  I am going to do things out of the norm.  Things I never thought I would do.  Think outside the box, you know?  Have an awesome first day of 2012!