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Sunday, January 29, 2012

When we meet someone new and begin a relationship, do we really think the intimate details we share will one day be thrown back at us?  I know I didn't.  I took the path of being honest and open, only to be scrambling with emotion over it being thrown back in my face.  It feels totally different when you hear it the way that person processed it, and it doesn't sound the same.  It sounds dirty, and almost like your most deepest intimate details of your life have been stolen, and plastered all over a tabloid.  No, he didn't blab it to everyone that I'm aware of, but the way he said things back to me....  I just knew either he was trying to hurt me, or he just didn't get it.  I felt violated.  When I finally met the one I felt comfortable enough with, and happy with to share things with after many years of being alone......  I shared.  Not only was it that I wanted to share, but he asked things, and I was honest.  Because of this, I will be back to square one on my trust issues.  Because of things I had gone through in past relationships, trust is not one of my stronger suits.  I let my guard down with him.  I felt he was the one.  I thought if I don't, I might be passing on the best thing that could ever happen to me.  I keep trying to let go of this, but it's hard.  I broke down and emailed him about the things he had thrown back at me.  I shouldn't have felt I needed to defend myself or make excuses.  I am real......what you see in me is it.  Of course he won't respond.  I really don't want him to.  I just wanted him to know that he had hurt me even more.  His words when he wrote me what he did was......I don't hate you.  I care about you.  Really now?  Then why this?  Why throw things out there, and then expect me to go away quietly?  I really do like to think I am super woman, but that's a big cape to fill, and I am just not up to it these days......  This is just something weighing heavy on my mind.  I am not ready to go into detail what trust he violated, but it hit me hard.  Almost like his perception of me is something so far fetched.  He knows me, and he knows I am not like others he has been involved with.  So why this?  Ugh...........  I think I'm going to blog about something wild the next time.......  Gotta get this all out of my system!!  What do you think?


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