HAPPY NEW YEAR'S!!

My special wish is that you my followers have an amazing 2012!  Thank you for joining me.......and I hope you will topple over into the new year with me.  I am excited to move on, and while this past year has been a rough one..........I wouldn't change anything.  Life is good........   Happy New Year's!!

Taking a break......

Sometimes you just have to take a break......  I love men, don't get me wrong......but damn.........  I'm just worn out right now.  I've got lots of thoughts and ideas swimming around with my head.......  OMG!!!  I am working on something.....  I will be writing about it soon.

So life as it is right now......  I babysat my little 7 year old niece this morning.  This is my next to the youngest brother's daughter.  He and his wife are separated and in the process of a divorce.  I haven't been around his children a lot because......because I just haven't.  I did keep this little niece once before, but with 3 of her brothers.  So of course I was looking forward to having a girlie kind of day.  Well she surprised me.  She talked a lot, but she also had some depression, and a whole lot of anger built up inside her.  At least that is what I thought.  So we spent half a day together, and interesting it was.  But I am going on very little sleep and about to drop.  I didn't want to not write.  I am going to run on along, and blog my little heart out tomorrow........  So I will see ya then!

Peace!

Have you ever had a good friend of the opposite sex that you kind of played around with, but didn't actually go all the way with, but wanted to?  Someone that you feel this overwhelming passion with, and literally can't keep your hands off of when you're in close proximity, and no one is looking?  I have one of those friends.  He is someone I knew, but didn't know many years ago......  Then our paths crossed years later, but he was married.  We became friends, but never was there anything inappropriate.  I thought he was hot, but he was just a kind soul.  Easy to talk to, and an awesome sense of humor.  So naturally I was surprised when out of the blue I received a call from him (after no contact for a couple of years or so) on of all days......Valentine's Day........  This was several years ago.  He told me that he had wanted to call me, but was hesitant to, but he wanted to talk to me.  I got that feeling that it was a little more than a friendship talk.  He said we should get together some time.  Of course I asked about his wife.  He said, oh.....I got divorced a couple of years ago.  He said he thought I knew.  My heart flitter fluttered......  I didn't really think there was this possibility of us getting together as a couple.  I mean........He is hot......I'm cute, but I don't fall into the "hot" category.  Since that phone call years ago, he and I have been close.......  We have become very good friends.  I call him my best guy friend.  I go to him when I am feeling down, because he knows just what to say to make me smile and feel good.  So over these years we have shared kisses and some fooling around, but nothing ever goes any further.  We keep saying we're going to get together, but don't.  I mean........we see each other, but not in a setting that anything beyond what we've done will happen.  He tells me I am beautiful and amazing.  I think he wonderful.  He has told me that he knew with me it would have to be all or nothing at all because I am that kind of woman.  He could not see having a one night stand or a fling with me.  I think we both worry if we did let anything happen, would it destroy our friendship.  But I really don't think at this point it would.  Our friendship is pretty solid.  So he contacted me the day after Christmas.  He suggested that we hang out or something.  It didn't happen that day, but it did happen today.  Of course that passion was there.  AGAIN.....  I had this enormous guilty feeling after.  Because of the other person that I have been seeing.  Tonight as I was talking to one of my girlfriends I came to the realization that I am not in a committed relationship, nor have we decided to only see each other.  I wanted that, but he won't give that to me.  Actually we were chatting online last night, and once again he stopped communicating, and wouldn't respond to me.  So should I really be feeling guilty?  I am single, I am available........  I don't think I should be feeling this way, but I can't help it.  So my friend and I are going to get together soon.  So we shall see....  The other person?  I sent him a text.  I told him that I learned a long time ago to be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.....  By that I meant that if he keeps wishing and hoping that I would disappear and go away, he just might get what he wished for.  I am tired of the game playing by him.  I'm ready to have a new beginning in the new year........

Peace!

Reality Check....

Reality check.......  I needed to have that Christmas day rant.  Am I proud of it?  No :-/  I would like to say it's a little bit of everything that has me on the edge these days.  No job, waiting to get my hormones in, man issues.......Ugh.....  So after today I thought I would take a little break from that stuff. 

Today was the funeral of a police officer in one of the neighboring counties to where I live.  Almost daily you hear of an officer being down, but this one hit me really hard.  He was only 25 years old, and killed by a 19 year old.  The local news station I watch televised the service.  I cried......my heart breaking for that young man's family.  The most touching moment to me was when the Police Chief was reading from his job application, and read the part where he told why he would be the best for the job.  It was just so moving......

Then I was reading my Facebook home wall, and see a post by a friend.  She is someone who goes all out for her children's birthdays.  So this post struck me as odd.  She was wishing her oldest son a Happy Birthday, and reassuring him that she loved him.  So naturally I went to her page, and seen where she posted that their house had burned up, and they lost everything.  Even their two cats....  This all happened the week before Christmas.  Now it made sense what she said to her son.  My heart is heavy for them. 

So after this day......I had to think.  Yes.....I'm out of work.......yes, I am out of my hormones, and the man problems.........That is NOTHING!  My thoughts and prayers are with this officer's family, friends and co-workers.......  My thoughts and prayers are with my friend and her family......  Life is so short, and we need to take the time to listen to others, be aware of what is going on around us, and just re-prioritize things.....  I'm not saying that I'm not going to share my drama or be a little selfish, but right now......my heart goes out to those people.

Peace!

Miracle.....ummm.....no

What does miracle mean?  "A surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is considered to be divine."  Yes, I can go on about all the miracles that have happened in my life, and I have done that.  But right now......I feel the need to be a little selfish!  I guess I had convinced myself that I was going to have a miracle of a different nature.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  He and I were communicating late last night, and all of a sudden stopped texting.  He didn't apologize or anything like that this morning.  He hasn't even contacted me today at all.  Not a I'm sorry I fell asleep last night, Merry Christmas or F@#& U!  I have a lot of mixed emotions over this, but the strongest one is that of survival.....  I keep visualizing myself standing in the middle of a table at a bar, with a short skirt, stiletto heels, and a hot pink feather boa on, and dancing and singing.......  "I Will Survive!"  or better yet....... "Another One Bites the Dust!"  Yep.......  I think after 3+ years he does not deserve me.  I have taken the crap he has put out, and I've stood strong because I love him.  And this so-called, we are friends is plain bullshit too!  I speak to my friends when I am spoken to.  I respond to them.  I wish them Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, etc. without provocation.  The funny thing is........  He tries to make it look like I am some big secret, yet, we have been seeing each other for over 3 years.  His "normal" young adult son?  Well, he knows about me too.  After all my first introduction to him was after I unexpectedly spent the night, and didn't have extra clothes, or hair and make-up stuff with me.  He invited his son over then to meet me.  Okay.....what young adult wouldn't know that I hadn't spent the night.  So I really don't get it.  I don't get why he will try to accomodate me and make things happen when I say something like a few nights ago, then do this.  He is so secretive.  I don't ask for anything from him, but a little bit of his time, and of course I would like to have his love......  But heaven help if I tried to demand anything.  And I learned a long time ago in marriage number 3, that you don't give ultimatums.  I really do love this man.  But he just doesn't get it.  I have to ask myself how long I am willing to wait.  I'm not ready to.  My heart is not ready to.  I know the night is not over.....  He still might contact me.  But I highly doubt it.  As he told me when I extended the invitation that he join Ryan and I, and go with us to our family get together, he declined.  He said, thanks, but I have other plans.  I told him okay, and if those changed he was still welcome.  So you would think he would have at least responded when I texted him Merry Christmas.  I had not thrown a tantrum because he had "other" plans.  I didn't ask him what those "other" plans were.  I was totally calm.  I just assumed he was spending the time with his son, and his nephew.  Then the thought came to mind when he and this son went out of state to visit his older son, that the younger one complained saying his mother was going to be all alone for Thanksgiving.  So who knows......he could have done the cozy little family thing with his "adult" son and his ex-wife.  I think I by writing this, I am making my own case....Ugh!  I love him and want him, but not at the cost of my sanity.....  So, maybe God just didn't see fit for me to have this miracle today.  We'll see........

Peace!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everybody!!  Got lots to celebrate today.  I celebrate my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!  Without his birth we would not know the blessings of the gift of giving and receiving.  He is the reason for this season......  I also celebrate my beautiful Mother's birthday.  She is 75 today.  When I think back to my childhood, I think about how my Mom always worked very hard to make Christmas a big thing in our house.  She kept the spirit of Christmas and Santa alive with us kids.  Call me silly, but I still believe in Santa.  I chose to sit in my living room to write my blog.  I had not put up a Christmas Tree in over 3 years, and decided that this year I would get back into the holiday spirit, and put our tree up.  I usually unplug when it gets later, but left it plugged in order to be able to look at the lights while I blogged.  it is so pretty.  I look at each ornament, and think of how we came to own them.  Each one has a sentimental value.  Although it is a themed tree (FSU - Garnet and Gold).  We have bows, FSU and TBBucs ornaments, the Hershey Kiss, the little Monopoly man, the M and M guys, and LOTS of angels.  Oh there is also a green frog that was a gift to Ryan from one of my nieces.  I love snowmen, so there are a lot of snowman decorations around.  It's just calm and peaceful right now.  We've already gotten our gifts from the family.  So there won't be a Santa visit here......  It's all good though.  I said this was going to be the year of love and family.  I am also still holding out for the "miracle".  I'm sure it's going to happen......  I feel it.  I'm a believer.  I have prayed, I have willed it to happen, and I now believe it is going to happen.  He and I are talking again ;-)  Yayy........   So enjoy your holiday.......  Remember to thank God for the blessings in your life.......  Love your friends and family, and just have a Merry Christmas!
Peace! 

Merry Christmas Eve!

I am going to venture away from my usual man drama to wish all my readers/followers a Merry Christmas Eve!  On this day before Christmas, I want to say thank you!  When I started this blog, I wasn't sure where I would go with it, and if anyone would even pay attention.  So thank you again for allowing me to tell my story.  I hope you start your festivities off right with lots of love and happiness, family and friends!  Enjoy your day......and ALWAYS remember to tell those you love just how my they mean to you!  Life is too precious not to!  God Bless and much love to you all :-)
Peace!

Twas the morning before the night before Christmas.......

I cannot believe it is almost 4:15 a.m.  I have only had a couple of power naps.....but nothing that could be called a good night's sleep.  I am so wired......  My mind is so tangled with many different thoughts.  If someone would have told me a year ago that I would be right where I am today, I would have said you're fricken crazy!!  So here I am jobless, with a sick kid, a psycho puppy, and an amazing man that I pissed off royally aparently.  So now we're into well over 24 hours of not speaking at all.  Not even a "hey, how are you?"  or anything......  So much for my miracle, huh?  Okay......I guess I was stupid for dreaming, and hoping that maybe this holiday would be a turning point for he and I, and he would surprise me with something.  I think I blogged a while ago about a billboard that my son and I passed one day, and there was a marriage proposal written across it.  Well, I didn't expect something to that extreme, but I had hoped that there would be something.  Maybe a declaration that he really did love me, and was ready to verbalize that he really loves me, and needs me in his life.  That finally I had redeemed myself, and we were back to the first year when we started seeing each other, and he actually believed that I was the one.  I suppose it is encouraging that he hasn't yet screamed at me that he made a mistake by starting to see me again as frequently as he did again.  That he does not love me.  This is not going anywhere.  Can't go anywhere, and he is never going to see me again.  Yeah.....I think I covered all the things I have heard from him in "rapid cycle" over the past year.  Maybe longer.  Dammit!!  Damn him!!!  I love him, and he just doesn't get it.  He thinks I can just walk away.  Which is pretty much what every woman has ever done to him.  He can sugar coat his past relationships, but when you slice it up, it comes back together that those women abandoned him.  Maybe he did to them, and they just got tired of it.  Didn't have the strength, or the willpower to stick it out.  Maybe they weren't committed to making things work.  So now I am getting to deal with his committment issue and intimacy issues.  Which sucks royally.  Because until he is ready to let go of the past, he will never move forward.  I mean come on........  If anyone should be terrified of going to the next level in a relationship it should be me.  I have been physically, emotionally, mentally, and verbally abused, and sexually battered in past marriages and relationships.  So he needs to get with the program.  Because, while I will never stop loving him........  I will eventually get enough of this.  I will walk away too, and nurse my broken heart, and try to salvage what I can, and move on.  I wish I knew how to shake him into seeing he is close to losing me.  But, I am not a player.  I don't like all of this drama.  I want calm, normal, peace.......  I want to be with the man I love (namely...him)!  I want us to start building our life together.  I wish he would wake up and realize how much time we are wasting.  Time is so precious, and we don't know what tomorrow holds.  So we should be taking advantage of every moment.  Are you guys tired of this yet.  I just have to sort it out this way......  Tell my story.......what's in my head and heart, ya know?  So hang with me a little while longer ;-)

Peace!

Just when......

If I can screw something up, I will........  I don't know what is wrong with me lately.  I had the most romantic.....  Yes, I said romantic night last night with him.  After thinking he was blowing me off...........WRONG.  I went over to his place last night at his invitation.  We have never been the candlelight-romance couple.  But that does not affect our intimacy.  We are very passionate together.  Unbelievably passionate!  However, before I went over I made the comment about wanting the candlelight lovemaking.  Yeah, I know.....  He acted surprised.  That of which I think was orchestrated on his part ;-)  So when I got there.  His place was dark, except the light in the bathroom.  I won't go into specific details, but later when I mentioned that the dark was a first for us, he said it was not dark........the bathroom light had been on.  He said since he didn't have candles he was trying to give me the candlelight I wanted.........Awwww.............How sweet and romantic is that?!?  So, he can say we can't make it, and he doesn't love me, but why would he do that?  Try to do something for me like that?  Most men who aren't in love or don't care would not bother.  Enter.....my temper tantrum :-(  I know, right??  Well........  being unemployed and no health insurance, I applied for a patient assistance program for my hormone pills.  Things got screwed up, and are now being corrected, but I have been 4 days without my hormones, and quite frankly.........I feel like I am trying to crawl out of my skin!!  So I texted him to ask him if he could fax something for me.  When he didn't respond, I called.  It ended up.....he didn't help me.  I was upset.  I went overboard.  I screamed in a couple of voice messages to him, and sent him a sarcastic text message.  Yes.......  I am human, and dealing with a lot of crap right now.  Actually, most people would have already thrown in the towel by now.  I can almost guarantee it!  But of all people to take out my frustrations on, but the man who made my previous night special, and who continues to be wonderful to me.  No he is not the easiest person to get along with, and he can be an a#&whole sometimes.  But he is an amazing man.  The man I love with all my heart!  Now, I just might have lost him forever.  It was days like today that pushed him away years ago.  I have apologized via text message and voicemail.  All I can do at this point is take a step back, hope he is forgiving, and will contact me when things have blown over.  I hope it can and will work out this way.  So just when I think FINALLY we are bonding, I screw it up........  I have got to get it together!!  Helppppp.................  Later ;-/

Peace!

A DOUBLE dose of WTF..............

Okay.....I am hoping I don't offend the virgin ears, but I never said this was going to be pretty!!!  So What the F*&%# x 2???!!!!

First of all my interview went great........  I think I have a shot at this one, but don't want it.  It was an hour and a half drive for me, and a lot less money, and not benefits.  I could take a job right near my house for a lot less money, and be close to home to save on gas, and wear and tear on my car.  Gosh.........  I hate being unemployed.

Second........  Okay........  Maybe I was a little premature on the love thing.  Yes, I love him.  But he has totally blown me off again.  I feel like calling him up and asking if "she" is worth losing the best thing that ever happened to you?  I swear.  I don't think it's another woman.  I just think he is going through some things, and he is allowing his fear to keep him from sharing.  I wish I truly knew the male psyche.....   Better yet.......I would like someone to explain how you can have everything in a relationship, and it still cannot work out......  Well when one of you agrees with you, but still says it can't work.  He hasn't said it this time.  I keep waiting for the fallout, but it hasn't happened yet.  Something is definitely going on........WTF???!!!

Okay.......  Enough is enough I guess........  Goodnight all...  I will be back ;-)

Peace!

Job interview.......

Why is it that I always feel like I am walking the plank with Caption Hook fast on my heels when I go into a job interview??  Personally, I think I suck at interviewing.  However, one head hunter I met with said I do a great interview.  So why do I have all this anxiety?  I have found that each interview is different, even though I am apply for basically they same types of positions.  I have met with office managers, human resource managers, attorneys, both partners and associate ones.  I have inteviewed individually with them, and all clumped together (like being in front of a firing squad).  All I want to do is get a job, doing what I do.  I have reservations as to working for a woman.  Yes, I know.........I'm a woman.  But we are bitches to work for.  I figure men are more laid back.  At least in the legal field.  But when I have interviewed with male attorneys, they have their right hand female sitting by their side staring me down.  Ugh..........  Did I say, I just want a job, doing what I do.  That, or a publisher who will help me do what I really want to do....which is what I am doing now.  Telling my story ;-)  Wish me luck!!

Peace!

Love Part 2?

Okay.......  I think I am ready to admit that I am totally in love.....  Nothing like I've ever felt before.  Nope.......it's no one new.  I thought I was doing pretty good with this, but not a chance.  I have tried to meet new men.  I have tried to be interested in other men, but I'm a hopeless cause.  I keep waiting for this to run it's course.  I mean it usually does for me.  By just about right now.  However, this doesn't feel like it will ever go away.  He and I have talked about this some over the past month.  We had stopped seeing each other.  Well kind of.  We were still seeing each other, just not frequently.  That changed recently.  Things go so well.......He is listening to me more.  He is being extremely supportive.  Not very critical.  All signs that something is changing for him?  You would think so, but he is still holding back.  He asks me about my needs/wants in a relationship, but he is not expressing his.  I think he has a commitment phobia, or intimacy issues.  We are great together.  I see it.  Others see it.  Why doesn't he??  I feel certain too, that if this ends once and for all, I will have that broken heart that cannot be repaired.  Sounds like a mess, huh?  It is.......  I love this man.  I have tried to tell him, but I don't think he trusts what I am saying.  I never thought I would get to the point of being ready to take the next step ever again, but I am.  He holds my heart.  I am still holding out for that miracle...........  That and true love ;-)

Peace!

Shooting Stars and Miracles

After much thought, I have decided that a miracle is going to happen this Christmas.  I mean, I know miracles have already happened, but I'm thinking along the romantic sense ;-)  Did I ever mention in any of my blogs that I'm a hopeless romantic?  Like "Sleepless in Seatle" kind of romantic?  I love the idea of love....  AND........  I'm a dreamer!  My mom thought for sure I would grow up and be an eccentric "soap opera" actress......  I guess my imagination as a child was just a tad bit over the top :-/  But I truly believe that with all the chaos that has happened over the past few months, that I'm due for a miracle.  So I was at my friend's house (yes that one who brought up needs v wants) a few nights ago.  When I was on my way home I saw a shooting star!  I wished on it, because I think that is what you're supposed to do?  So this friend and I have been talking a lot....  We've be kind of just taking things one day at a time.  Going with the flow......  I pray that he is a part of that miracle that is going to happen........ 

Peace!

I believe in miracles ;-)

So here we are just a little over a week before Christmas.  I have put up my Christmas Tree, and all that good stuff, but I can't quite get into the spirit of things.  I thought it was helping, but I have started taking a nose dive fast again.  I guess it wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that I am about to go into week 3 of unemployment.  I search everyday endlessly.......Ugh.......  Send my resume out, and have had a couple of interviews, and a couple of telephone screenings for jobs, but nothing :-(  I had a meltdown earlier this week.  I'm not real proud of that....  I let a lot of anger and frustrations out, but not in a postitive way.  I kicked, screamed, threw things, and then went into my bedroom, and threw myself across my bed, and cried and cried!!  I felt a lot better after, but I had a huge mess to clean up, and a huge bruise on my ankle, and a sore wrist and arm.  That miracle that I wished for a few blogs ago?  Well now would be a great time for it to happen.  I would like to be that person that great things happen to, but not at someone else's expense.  Like hitting the lotto jackpot, or something like that.  I guess I would just take a job at this point.  My friends encourage me to believe.......  I'm really trying to.  Miracles, right??

Peace!

Needs v Wants = ??

I have been pondering something that I was asked recently....  I was asked to think about what I really wanted out of a relationship or marriage....as in needs v wants.....  Obviously I had not put a lot of thought into my prior marriages.  I was young, and very much the free spirit.  I usually didn't put a lot of thought into anything back then.  But here I am 23+ after my third marriage took place, and I am thinking, yes, someday I would like to take that step again, but I want to be sure it will make it.  I mean I know there are no guarantees that a marriage will survive after you say those magical words "I do".  So this person who asked me this is of the opposite sex, and who has been a big part of my life.  So needs v wants, huh?  So after putting a little thought into that I headed for "Google" which is now my new best friend ;-)  I put in what is love....  of course it gives the noun and the verb definitions.  I took the first thing...  "an intense feeling of deep affection".  Then I googled what is need....  "require something because it is essential or very important".  Finally, I googled what is want...  "have a desire to possess or do something; wish for".  Okay......  You're probably wondering why I googled "love", right?  Well, if I was going to try to figure out my needs v wants with regard to a relationship and/or marriage I figured love had to play in there somewhere.....  So let's look at need first...  If we require something because it is essential or very important, or in layman's terms, you have to have something in order to survive, can that really apply to a relationship or marriage?  I really don't think so.  I mean maybe on a couple of things, but I know that I am not going to die if I don't have a "relationship" or "marriage".  I am not going to die if I don't have "sex".  Do you see where I am going with this?  I have been divorced for almost 19 years.  I am still living, I am still thriving for the most part, and while I would like to some day, marriage is not a priority in my life right now.  Let's move on to want....  have a desire to possess or do something; wish for....  Hmmm.......  Now that I can see applying to a "relationship" or "marriage".  I would want certain things out of my marriage and the man I marry.  I guess maybe I would require certain things as well.  So maybe needs to play into it.  A deep sense of affection.......LOVE.......  Ahhhh.......yes :-)  If I were looking to marry someone for strictly companionship, say.......just for a warm body, then I might be thinking about wants, as opposed to needs.  Are you confused yet?  Because when I tried to explain this to "him", he told me to get to the point, that I was rambling on about needs and wants.  So, I took it upon myself to start listing via instant message what I wanted out of and from the man I was considering a long term commitment with.  Let's just put it this way......  He has been very quiet ever since.  Let's face it...  My track record is not so good when it comes to picking husbands.  At least 1 and 3.  I tend to get into disastrous relationships as well.  But at this time of my life I have had plenty of time to think about this.  In my 19 years since my last divorce, I have thought a lot about what I want in a marriage.  Notice I said "want"?  Obviously I don't want someone who is going to use me as their punching bag, or to be criticized over every single thing I do.  I want him to be secure both financially and emotionally.  Someone from a similar background that I am.  I could go on and on, which is what I did with him.  But I also know my heart is going to play into it.  First and foremost I want there to be love.....  I want to love and be loved.  So is one really better than the other in this need v want delima??

Peace!

Lost in translation?

I honestly do not know what I am doing these days.....  I have gotten so far away from myself.  My normal upbeat, inspired self is lost somewhere in translation.  I remember when I was first pregnant with my son, but only Rich knew I was, and my sister suspected.  I was at this little carnival in the mall parking lot of the small Georgia town where I lived.  My sister's youngest daughter had just turned 3, and loved the Merry Go Round.  So I stood on the thing with her, and we rode, and the guy stopped taking tickets from us because he thought it was fascinating how much my little niece loved that ride.  I was sure at some point I might get sick.  Something I would have no control over because, I was obivously going to be that woman who could not do much of anything during pregnancy that I didn't puke my insides out.  So once again I am here, feeling like I am going in circles.......too fast, and I am going to puke.  I keep thinking I have a good grip on things, but I don't.  I think I need someone to shake me a little bit, and make me pull it together.  I had that interview.  I actually felt good about it.  Now.....I'm not so sure.  I have not had a lot of quiet time lately.  I have so much to write, and can't seem to get my rythm back.  So I am going to try to sit down and write tomorrow.  I have something that I need to get out, and hopefully receive some response to.  So, don't write me off yet.......  I'm coming back ;-)

Peace!