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Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Needs v Wants = ??

I have been pondering something that I was asked recently....  I was asked to think about what I really wanted out of a relationship or in needs v wants.....  Obviously I had not put a lot of thought into my prior marriages.  I was young, and very much the free spirit.  I usually didn't put a lot of thought into anything back then.  But here I am 23+ after my third marriage took place, and I am thinking, yes, someday I would like to take that step again, but I want to be sure it will make it.  I mean I know there are no guarantees that a marriage will survive after you say those magical words "I do".  So this person who asked me this is of the opposite sex, and who has been a big part of my life.  So needs v wants, huh?  So after putting a little thought into that I headed for "Google" which is now my new best friend ;-)  I put in what is love....  of course it gives the noun and the verb definitions.  I took the first thing...  "an intense feeling of deep affection".  Then I googled what is need....  "require something because it is essential or very important".  Finally, I googled what is want...  "have a desire to possess or do something; wish for".  Okay......  You're probably wondering why I googled "love", right?  Well, if I was going to try to figure out my needs v wants with regard to a relationship and/or marriage I figured love had to play in there somewhere.....  So let's look at need first...  If we require something because it is essential or very important, or in layman's terms, you have to have something in order to survive, can that really apply to a relationship or marriage?  I really don't think so.  I mean maybe on a couple of things, but I know that I am not going to die if I don't have a "relationship" or "marriage".  I am not going to die if I don't have "sex".  Do you see where I am going with this?  I have been divorced for almost 19 years.  I am still living, I am still thriving for the most part, and while I would like to some day, marriage is not a priority in my life right now.  Let's move on to want....  have a desire to possess or do something; wish for....  Hmmm.......  Now that I can see applying to a "relationship" or "marriage".  I would want certain things out of my marriage and the man I marry.  I guess maybe I would require certain things as well.  So maybe needs to play into it.  A deep sense of affection.......LOVE.......  Ahhhh.......yes :-)  If I were looking to marry someone for strictly companionship, say.......just for a warm body, then I might be thinking about wants, as opposed to needs.  Are you confused yet?  Because when I tried to explain this to "him", he told me to get to the point, that I was rambling on about needs and wants.  So, I took it upon myself to start listing via instant message what I wanted out of and from the man I was considering a long term commitment with.  Let's just put it this way......  He has been very quiet ever since.  Let's face it...  My track record is not so good when it comes to picking husbands.  At least 1 and 3.  I tend to get into disastrous relationships as well.  But at this time of my life I have had plenty of time to think about this.  In my 19 years since my last divorce, I have thought a lot about what I want in a marriage.  Notice I said "want"?  Obviously I don't want someone who is going to use me as their punching bag, or to be criticized over every single thing I do.  I want him to be secure both financially and emotionally.  Someone from a similar background that I am.  I could go on and on, which is what I did with him.  But I also know my heart is going to play into it.  First and foremost I want there to be love.....  I want to love and be loved.  So is one really better than the other in this need v want delima??


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