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Sunday, December 25, 2011

What does miracle mean?  "A surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is considered to be divine."  Yes, I can go on about all the miracles that have happened in my life, and I have done that.  But right now......I feel the need to be a little selfish!  I guess I had convinced myself that I was going to have a miracle of a different nature.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  He and I were communicating late last night, and all of a sudden stopped texting.  He didn't apologize or anything like that this morning.  He hasn't even contacted me today at all.  Not a I'm sorry I fell asleep last night, Merry Christmas or F@#& U!  I have a lot of mixed emotions over this, but the strongest one is that of survival.....  I keep visualizing myself standing in the middle of a table at a bar, with a short skirt, stiletto heels, and a hot pink feather boa on, and dancing and singing.......  "I Will Survive!"  or better yet....... "Another One Bites the Dust!"  Yep.......  I think after 3+ years he does not deserve me.  I have taken the crap he has put out, and I've stood strong because I love him.  And this so-called, we are friends is plain bullshit too!  I speak to my friends when I am spoken to.  I respond to them.  I wish them Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, etc. without provocation.  The funny thing is........  He tries to make it look like I am some big secret, yet, we have been seeing each other for over 3 years.  His "normal" young adult son?  Well, he knows about me too.  After all my first introduction to him was after I unexpectedly spent the night, and didn't have extra clothes, or hair and make-up stuff with me.  He invited his son over then to meet me.  Okay.....what young adult wouldn't know that I hadn't spent the night.  So I really don't get it.  I don't get why he will try to accomodate me and make things happen when I say something like a few nights ago, then do this.  He is so secretive.  I don't ask for anything from him, but a little bit of his time, and of course I would like to have his love......  But heaven help if I tried to demand anything.  And I learned a long time ago in marriage number 3, that you don't give ultimatums.  I really do love this man.  But he just doesn't get it.  I have to ask myself how long I am willing to wait.  I'm not ready to.  My heart is not ready to.  I know the night is not over.....  He still might contact me.  But I highly doubt it.  As he told me when I extended the invitation that he join Ryan and I, and go with us to our family get together, he declined.  He said, thanks, but I have other plans.  I told him okay, and if those changed he was still welcome.  So you would think he would have at least responded when I texted him Merry Christmas.  I had not thrown a tantrum because he had "other" plans.  I didn't ask him what those "other" plans were.  I was totally calm.  I just assumed he was spending the time with his son, and his nephew.  Then the thought came to mind when he and this son went out of state to visit his older son, that the younger one complained saying his mother was going to be all alone for Thanksgiving.  So who knows......he could have done the cozy little family thing with his "adult" son and his ex-wife.  I think I by writing this, I am making my own case....Ugh!  I love him and want him, but not at the cost of my sanity.....  So, maybe God just didn't see fit for me to have this miracle today.  We'll see........


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