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Sunday, April 1, 2012

Fixing me one moment at a time........

I'm broken, and I don't know how to fix me....  I put on this happy face and project this positive attitude, all the while feeling deep down inside that I am slowly losing sight of who I really am.  I try to find that good in the bad that is always happening.  Never really trying to get to the bottom of why things are really happening to me....  Well, yesterday I had me a mini meltdown which ended with me buying a pair of cute sandals that I wanted.  However, it came from something much deeper.  It started with the proverbial anxiety/panic know......the pressure on your chest?  Gasping for air, and trying to catch your breath?  Then the tingling sensation at that corners of your eyes when you know you're going to cry?  Yep.....  Then the flood gates?  Tears washing down your face?  That was me!  Oh lordy.....  It was.......  I must have really pissed someone off in a past life, and my karma is coming around to bite me in the ass now!  Then I went to the whole......I'm a good person.  I help others when I can.  I don't defraud the government.  I'm honest.  I don't do drugs.  I very rarely drink.  I believe in God.  I pray.  I live a good life.  However.......  I seem to be having a problem with jobs and men.  I've prayed about this.  I'm a believer that good things are yet to come.  But I've also come to the conclusion that I just might die a very poor and lonely woman.  I am allowed to feel sorry for myself.  This blog is for my own selfish reasons.....  It's all about me.  I am thinking this in part could be coming from the fact that I am going into 4 months with NO sex!  Which is a new record for me......  I am probably one of the most sexual beings on this earth, and I am fast going into my cranky, winey phase now.....  Back in the day.....  a one night stand would work right about now, but I'm not into that anymore.  That one certain somebody cured me of that.......  Actually he cured me of a lot of things.  Isn't there a song "Love Hurts"......?  Well.....  True love teaches us a lot too.....  Before him, the toys were okay......even now those don't do the trick that much.  I just may be destined for a life of celibacy.....YIKES!!!  Did I just say that???  You see what I'm talking about?  The being broken?  This is insane. the way....  Did I write about being called back to the other firm?  Still temp, but they couldn't do without me.  I went back with a little more money....  Negotiated by the recruiter.  This is wild......  I love the job, and the people I work I will take "temp".  I am just working a lot of hours.  Then I have all these jumbled thoughts on my drive to and from the office.  I get home, and have my man child kid and crazy little psycho puppy greeting me at the door.  There is no rest for the weary.  But it's my life.  I have to take it or leave it.  I take it......It's the life God mapped out for me.  I am working on making it better, and what I want it to be.  It's just taking time.  I don't think any amount of therapy can could fix this......but maybe writing a little more will ;-)