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Sunday, October 30, 2011

I started a post, and it was not flowing.......  I knew what I wanted to say, but not how to write it.  So I am going to rethink that one.  I will go to bed, and pick up blogging tomorrow.......  I will be

Girlie days...........

Wow!!!  I woke up this morning to a beautiful morning here is "sunny" but cool Florida!!  It's been a busy weekend so far.  I am going into my office for a few hours this morning.  I missed a total of 3 full days of work in the past 2 weeks, not to mention a couple of leaving early days.  This is out of the norm for me, other than when my Ryan has his doctor's appointments.  I usually schedule his appointments in time frames that they do no interfere with my work.  Sometimes life gets in the way, like now.  I will go in and do some work, then later tonight work some from home.  I am taking a break today.  One of my little nieces recently had a birthday.  I couldn't make her birthday party because of prior commitments, and I told her that I would take a day to spend time with her........  We could go to the mall, have lunch, and all that girl stuff.  Then boom and boom!  God had a different plan for me.....  So today, I will have a girlie day with one of my favorite little people.  She will walk me from one end of the mall to the other, and back again!!  LOL!!  I guess I am getting paid back from that one time I had babysat, and saved my money for a pair of "earth" shoes.....  I asked my dad to take me to the mall, and assured him that I knew exactly what I was getting (store, had already tried on the shoes, etc.).  Well........  I went to the store, tried on the shoes, didn't buy them yet, and drug my dad from one end of the mall to the other before buying those shoes!  My poor dad.........LOL!!!  He still tells everybody that story!  So I guess I am getting my payback now........  It's okay though.  Those memories that I've mentioned a couple times?  Well I have those with my dad, and now my little person will have them with me......  I love it!!  I'll take another break tonight, and write some more.  I forgot to remind you....I get off track sometimes.  I write from my heart, and what's on my mind.  Have an awesome day!

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Making a difference.......

I've been asked many times how I do it.  How I can be so positive, and strong when it seems everything is falling apart around me.  I told a very dear friend recently that, I kick and scream a lot......I cry and throw things sometimes......  But most of all I pray a lot!  I put my faith in God, and know that he is never going to fail me.  Then this morning I received a phone call from one of my best friends.  She and I met almost 20 years ago in college.  I had just wrapped up my last divorce, and she was in the middle of her divorce.  She and I were back in college rehabilitating ourselves so that we could get good jobs and take care of our children.  I had my Ryan, and she had two daughters; one a little older that Ryan and one a little younger.  Over the years we have leaned on each other in dealing with parenting/children issues, boyfriend issues, and job issues.  I had not heard from her for a couple of weeks, and had spoken with her daughter last week, and found out she was in her native country-Italy.  She had recently lost a sister who had been sick for some time, and she had been upset that she had not got to go back home to see her before she passed away.  Then apparently she got a call that another one of her sisters got sick, and she and her sister who lives here went back home.  This morning she told me this sister had passed away as well.  She had lost 2 sisters within 21 days of each other.  As I listened to her talk, I thought this woman is strong too.  She has been single for almost as long as I have, and raised two wonderful daughters, and now is helping raise her grandson.  She has had ups and downs and struggled with her job, and she still has a positive attitude.  My heart still goes out to her.

So after talking for a little while, and hanging up the phone, I thought......... I am very blessed.......  My parent's accident could have been worse, but it wasn't.  I still have them with me.  I weathered a storm with my Ryan, and it could have been a lot worse too, but it wasn't.  I have amazing friends and family.  I have had my moments over the past couple of weeks......  I have sat on the floor in the middle of my hallway, and sobbed until I thought I could not shed another tear.  To the point of exhaustion.  Life is so precious, and more time than not we take it for granted.  I try to surround myself with positive people.  Happy, upbeat people who keep me that way. 

I do think I am a strong and positive woman.  I try to inspire because you never know when you're going to touch that one person's life, and make a difference.  I know that I have hit some real low's.  I have done things I am not proud of, but I can't go back and change things.  I don't even know if I would want to change them.  The choices I have made, and the experiences I have gone through have molded me into the woman I am today.  I will forever look for the good in something bad.  I believe everything happens for a reason.  And, on any given day what we are experiencing is just a prelude to what lies ahead for us.  When I look back over my life, I can think of people who have said something or done something to me or for me that made a lasting impression.  I want to be that person to leave good impressions on people, so that when they look back they can say, I remember her and what she said, and how much it helped me.  I encourage people to do what is right.  Take the high road when you have to, but also stand for what you believe in.  Make a difference.


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Exhaustion becomes me.........

I wanted to really blog some more today.  I feel so free when I write.  My Ryan who had been in the hospital since Friday evening got released today.  Between him being sick and my parent's accident, I am now feeling the toll apparently it is taking on me and my body....  I fell asleep after Ryan and I got home today.  I woke up disoriented, couldn't remember where I was at for a minute or two, and had no sense of day/time........  Once I woke up a little more, I realized that it was okay.......... So my body is definitely telling me something.  I am going to sleep now, but I will sit down within the next day or so, and continue to blog my story......  So stick with me ;-) 


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Mommy Genes and Mommy Contracts, oh my........

I guess it is assumed that just because you are female you automatically have the "mommy" gene.  Well, I don't think I was born with the "mommy" gene, or it just stayed tucked away until reality slapped me in the face.  When I was a little girl, I had a playhouse which was the real deal.  I had all the new baby dolls.  That was back in the "Baby Tenderlove" era.  I had everyone of those dolls.  I had the "Little Susie Homemaker" oven.  Kind of like the "Easybake" oven.  Sounds like I was on my way to being the ultimate domestic goddess and the ultimate soccer mom, right?  Ummmm...........NOPE!  My playhouse is where I got caught playing doctor with the preacher's son who lived next door.  The baby dolls were left with a babysitter, my cousin Vicki, since she did have that "mommy" gene from the time she was born I am sure!  And the "Little Susie Homemaker" oven?  Well, I caught it on fire, and burned the end of the electrical cord off.  So I had these big aspirations of graduating from high school, going off to college, then law school, and having that big cushy job in the highrise building in the middle of a big city somewhere.  Yeah, well............  That didn't happen either.

If you have been following my blog, you know by now the circumstances surrounding all of my pregnancies, but most of all the one where I had my son Ryan.  You hear me mention Ryan a lot.  I did not ever think that one horrible night would create the most amazing human that it did.  When I learned that I was pregnant, I was not happy.  You see women all the time who plan these elaborate ways to tell their husbands they are pregnant.  That was clearly not the case with me.  I can say now, that at the age of 21 when I gave birth, I was not ready to be a mom.  I wasn't sure if I would ever be ready.  I am thankful that I had Rich in my life.  He picked up the pieces to my broken life, and always had faith in me.  Somehow he knew that I would come around.  Today, I am PROUD to say I did.  I am so honored to be Ryan's mom.

I had made up my mind that I would the cool young mom.  I wasn't going to be like my parents were....  LOL!!  Like I think we've all said that, then end up parenting very similar.  But when Ryan was little, and went through the phase of "why?" he truly tried my patience.  Everything I said to him, I got back "why?".  Instead of saying, because I said so, I came up with the "MOMMY CONTRACT".  So everytime he asked why?, I said it was in my "Mommy Contract".  As he got older, he challenged me on it.  He would say he didn't believe there was anything like that, and when he asked other mothers about it, I would hold my breath, and pray.....Lord, please don't let them fail me.  Thank God, everyone Ryan asked went along with it.  Even Rich did.  So, I think Ryan actually came to believe there might be one.  I think I even convinced myself that this "Mommy Contract" was real.  I told Ryan that every mommy was given this contract before we could leave the hospital with our babies.  I told him it covered everything........every situation imaginable.  He asked me one time if the contract could be broken, or could I return him...LOL!!!  I told him that the hospital was very strict on new mommies when they went over the contract.  It just wasn't possible to change anything.  I'll never forget the day I overheard him telling someone about the "Mommy Contract" and how he never got to see it, but he knew that I had one.  I think that was all a part of my creative parenting.  I probably don't do the conventional parenting, and thinking outside of the box has probably helped me in the long run.  Ryan was always a unique child.  He talked at an early age, he potty trained very early, and those teething nightmares you hear about........we didn't have those.  But Ryan was different.  I could never put my finger on it, but he was.  It wasn't until about 3 years ago when he was officially diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome that it finally all made sense.  I will devote a more detailed blog to my Ryan soon.  So, for someone who never thought she had the "mommy gene" is doing one hell of a job being Ryan's mom.  Everyday is a challenge, but the unconditional love that you receive is so rewarding.  It doesn't matter what circumstances surrounded his conception and birth.  I am so blessed to have him, and to be a part of his life.  I guess being a mommy is not so bad ;-)


Monday, October 24, 2011


I usually like to take time to reflect, and write from my heart.  I never plan what I will write about.  I just write.  However, recently a lot has been going on and let's just say the merry-go-round is spinning way too fast, and I can't keep up.  I kept thinking the right time will eventually hit when I write about motherhood, and what it is all about with me.  I also know when I write about that, and my precious son Ryan, that I have to be in the right place.  My Ryan is in the hospital (day 4), and duty calls.  Please stay tuned!


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

In the blink of an eye...

I received a call on Sunday afternoon from one of my older brothers....  Our parents had been in an automobile accident.  They were coming back home to Florida from Georgia when a vehicle made an illegal turn in front of them.  Our parents were being taken by ambulance to a hospital an hour and a half from where I live.  After a moment of panic and distress, I pulled myself together, and started my journey to go to my parents.  My dad had told my brother that he was okay, but he wasn't so sure about mom, who was having chest pains.  I wasn't really sure what I might find when I got there.  As I was driving, I was praying....crying......scared.  I ran into the ER asking where I could find my parents.  A girl working there walked me back to the room where my parents were.  Well at least my dad was there.  He looked very fragile.  His clothes were covered with blood, and his hands and arms were bandaged.  They were badly bruised as well.  I hugged him, and asked about my mom.  He told me that she was still undergoing tests.  When they returned her to the room, she was laying on one of those boards you see when someone is in a bad accident, with the head strap to keep the victim still........No moving in the event there was a neck or back injury.  She was clearly distraught and in pain.  After the tests came back, the ER doctor decided to keep my mom.  Over the rest of Sunday and all day Monday.....I watched my parents....  (If you have been following my blog, you know I recently blogged about my parents celebrating their 59th anniversary) and even though I know my dad didn't feel good himself, him sole existence during this time was to make sure my mom was going to be okay.  He was constantly taking care of her.  He would rub her hair back, he would make sure she was covered up, he would get her water, and a cold cloth to lay on her head.  He never rested.  I looked over one time and noticed that my brother was watching like I was.  He caught me looking over at him, and when our eyes met, I knew he was thinking the same thing I was.  How fortunate we are to have this amazing man and woman in our lives, and even more proud to call them mom and dad.  Although I would never want to experience something like this again, that day and a half spent with my parents and brother was a time I will cherish in my heart for the rest of my life.  Making memories......  That is what it is all about.  Being thankful for the blessings in your life.  Sharing all of it.  I am so thankful that things did not turn out worse with my parents.  God listened to my prayers and many other's prayers.  AND he answered them.  My parents are now safely back in their house.  My brother is staying with them to take care of them.  I will be there with them as much as I can as well.  I noticed when I went down to their house tonight that my dad hugged me and held on for dear life.  He told me he loved me and thanked me for being there for them, and helping them.  He still looks fragile, and my mom who was in bed looks so frail.  I am so in awe of my parents.  They are the epitome of the classic love story.  I am so happy and thankful to still have my parents.  It's been a rough couple of days, but life is good!!  I say this a lot on my Facebook wall.  Remember to never pass up a chance to tell those you love just how much they mean to you.  Because in the blink of an eye you could lose it all.


Sunday, October 16, 2011

I love you.....

I look in your mind....I see my thoughts.  I look in your eyes....I see forever.  I look in your heart....I see my heart.  I look in your soul....  I see me.  Love is blind.  It has no boundaries.  We should not fear love.  We should embrace it.  The beauty of love is that it comes from within.  Deep in the heart and soul.  We don't pick and choose who we fall in love with.  It happens......  And when it does, it's the best feeling.  You want to share what you are feeling with everyone.  Tell people about it.  It's not something analytical.  We shouldn't pick it apart.  We shouldn't doubt the feeling.  Just accept it.  Like tilting your face to the sky when it is raining......The water just washes over your face.  Standing outside when the wind is blowing.  You can't help but feel the cleansing.  When it is on the tip of your tongue, just say it....I love you.

Pulling out of darkness.....I need some light!

I'm back....  After what feels like a long descent into darkness.  I have gone to sleep, but not slept.  I have smiled, but my heart has been all but happy.  I have laughed, but it is hollow in my ears.  I go over my life in my mind.  I try to figure out why this keeps happening to me.  All the while I know, what is happening is in my cards.  It's all a part of God's plan for me.  This is the one place, my blog, where I can be me.  I don't have to put on a smile.  I don't have to laugh if I don't want to.  I can be real.  I'm not saying that I am a victim, or negative, but I believe that in my life it's okay to feel blue, sad, down.......  After all it is supposed to be okay to feel and show every emotion.  If we are told not to express our emotions, then there is a problem.  It is natural to laugh, be angry, surprised, axious, and it's okay to cry.  I don't think God intends for us to be happy all the time.  Because if everyone was happy all the time we would live in a perfect world.  By expressing our emotions it allows us to grow.  Learn from our mistakes, our fears, and our pain.  Eventually we will conquer the mountains, and proceed through this journey called life.  Out of the darkness and into the light.  It's like a viscious cylce.  Lights on, lights off.  So from here I will start writing again.  Letting my creative juices flow....  If I sound quirky or different, it will be coming from my heart......  As always.  I write, I pray, I click.  I go back and read my posts after the fact.  It's the way to go.....  I am back!  Peace!