I cannot believe it is almost 4:15 a.m. I have only had a couple of power naps.....but nothing that could be called a good night's sleep. I am so wired...... My mind is so tangled with many different thoughts. If someone would have told me a year ago that I would be right where I am today, I would have said you're fricken crazy!! So here I am jobless, with a sick kid, a psycho puppy, and an amazing man that I pissed off royally aparently. So now we're into well over 24 hours of not speaking at all. Not even a "hey, how are you?" or anything...... So much for my miracle, huh? Okay......I guess I was stupid for dreaming, and hoping that maybe this holiday would be a turning point for he and I, and he would surprise me with something. I think I blogged a while ago about a billboard that my son and I passed one day, and there was a marriage proposal written across it. Well, I didn't expect something to that extreme, but I had hoped that there would be something. Maybe a declaration that he really did love me, and was ready to verbalize that he really loves me, and needs me in his life. That finally I had redeemed myself, and we were back to the first year when we started seeing each other, and he actually believed that I was the one. I suppose it is encouraging that he hasn't yet screamed at me that he made a mistake by starting to see me again as frequently as he did again. That he does not love me. This is not going anywhere. Can't go anywhere, and he is never going to see me again. Yeah.....I think I covered all the things I have heard from him in "rapid cycle" over the past year. Maybe longer. Dammit!! Damn him!!! I love him, and he just doesn't get it. He thinks I can just walk away. Which is pretty much what every woman has ever done to him. He can sugar coat his past relationships, but when you slice it up, it comes back together that those women abandoned him. Maybe he did to them, and they just got tired of it. Didn't have the strength, or the willpower to stick it out. Maybe they weren't committed to making things work. So now I am getting to deal with his committment issue and intimacy issues. Which sucks royally. Because until he is ready to let go of the past, he will never move forward. I mean come on........ If anyone should be terrified of going to the next level in a relationship it should be me. I have been physically, emotionally, mentally, and verbally abused, and sexually battered in past marriages and relationships. So he needs to get with the program. Because, while I will never stop loving him........ I will eventually get enough of this. I will walk away too, and nurse my broken heart, and try to salvage what I can, and move on. I wish I knew how to shake him into seeing he is close to losing me. But, I am not a player. I don't like all of this drama. I want calm, normal, peace....... I want to be with the man I love (namely...him)! I want us to start building our life together. I wish he would wake up and realize how much time we are wasting. Time is so precious, and we don't know what tomorrow holds. So we should be taking advantage of every moment. Are you guys tired of this yet. I just have to sort it out this way...... Tell my story.......what's in my head and heart, ya know? So hang with me a little while longer ;-)
Peace!
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