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Friday, August 26, 2011

Going home.........

I am really having a lot of those days recently where I feel like everything is spiraling out of control, and I can't get it back.  I go back to this time 3 years ago.  I was dating here and there, but nothing really worth anything.  My Aunt Dot was dying.  It had been 2 years since she had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  God spared her life, and gave us those 2 years to prepare ourselves for her death.  It still wasn't enough time......  I think of how many times she came to my rescue, and how many times that she was there if I needed to talk.  I couldn't bring myself to go see during her in final time.  I don't deal with death well at all.  I couldn't bare to see her like that.  I sent her a card.  She got the card and I know she got it, and I know that she understood.  It was right after her death that my Ryan had an emotional breakdown.  He had stayed with his dad in Georgia after Aunt Dot's funeral.  He told his dad that he was taking his medicine and he wasn't.  Not even 24 hours after he came home, he attempted suicide.  He didn't scream or say "I'm going to kill myself".  He caught me off guard.  I didn't know I even had it in me to find the words to talk him into not harming himself, but when it's your child standing in front of you with a knife at his throat, and his mouth full of pills, you have to do something.  I was able to keep him from taking his life, but he took off.  I combed the streets crying, on the phone with one of my best friends, knowing I would have to do what I didn't want to do.  I finally found him, and couldn't reason with him, so I called 911.  They sent a deputy who after speaking to both of us had Ryan admitted into the hospital for evaluation.  We weathered that storm, and 3 years later every day is still a battle, but we make it.  Then I met the ex beau.  I didn't count on meeting someone who would impact my life like he did.  I lost my job of 12 years a few months after meeting him, and it took me almost 7 months to find work.  I finally get back on track, and it was too late.  I was outside of that 1 year time frame that he said he thought we had a chance.  I met him coming out of family tragedies, fall in love, then out of work.  It just wasn't a good first impression I guess.  I am that girl in the song "The House That Built Me".  It's like I've gotten so caught up in what I am supposed to be or expected to be, and caught up in this crazy world, that I need to get back to that place where I started from.  I don't want to run back and change my past.  It's what has made me who I am today.  But, when I'm feeling really down, I take a little drive down the road and turn down Columbia Avenue.  I drive slowly by my childhood home.  It doesn't look like it did when we lived there.  I often think about going up to the door, knocking, and asking if I can come in just for a minute.  I want to run up the spiral staircase to my old bedroom.  The "gold" room as it was called.  When my parents added onto our house to make room for our expanding family, the 2 upstairs bedrooms were called the "gold" room and the "blue" room.  My sister had the "gold" room and my 2 older brothers had the "blue" room.  As they started moving on, I finally got the "gold" room.  It was so big, and it's where I lived out my teen years.  A lot of girl talk happened in that room.  A lot of dreaming.......  I just want to go and sit in that room.  Not to change things, but to remember how simple life was.  Wishing that I had that love that my parents still share to this day.  I have been reconnecting with a lot of my childhood friends recently.  It has been so great!  It's like we've never been apart.  It makes me feel like that teenager again.  Silly I know, but it's a good place to be these days.  Not that spiraling out of control place that I seem to be stuck in.  I just really want to slide through September and past October 3rd, and maybe I will finally be able to really let go of these demons I am battling.  Who knows, maybe I will get the nerve to go up to my old front door, and ask if I can come inside just for a minute.


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