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Saturday, June 11, 2011

That is what made me who I am today...

When I decided to write about my marriages with openess and honesty, my intentions were not to play the victim or seek pity.  I was raised in a good home....  My parents are still happily married, and just a few months away from celebrating their 59th anniversary.  I wasn't an "abused" child, although something did happen at a very young age, and, if, some day I can write about it I will.  My purpose of writing about my marriages was to reach out to others.  Whether you are that girl who has big ideas of what marriage is, or that woman who lives in fear because you never know when that next blow is going to happen, and you don't know how to get out, or feel like you can get out.  As for me, because I was raised in the home, with the great family, I was afraid of what they would say.  Those ultimate words of "I told you so" is not something you want to hear when your life is in crisis.  I never told my family what I went through, although my sister suspected I was being abused, she felt like I would let her know if I needed her.  I think through it all, she was my biggest support and inspiration.  She never let me down.  I will talk about that another time.  I always have harbored these feelings of insecurity, and what are people are going to think.  This goes back before getting married.

I grew up in the same home, went to school with the same kids all my life.  That is until I got into high school.  During my freshman year of high school, I was harassed by a girl, and it turned into a group of her friends.  They created so much anxiety for me.  My parents tried to fix the problem without success.  When I returned for my sophmore year, it only got worse.  Rather than the school board fixing the problem, they told my parents I could go to any high school within our county that I wanted.  Out of frustration and what it was doing to me, my parents chose a school, and that is where I completed my high school years.  I didn't get to finish school with the kids I had gone to school with from kindergarten.  I made new friends, and some of those are some of closest friends to this day.  I remember being in the mall with my sister inlaw who had just had a baby.  I was pushing the stroller as the proud aunt, and ran into a couple of girls I knew from my high school.  They ran up making a fuss over the baby, and looked up and told me that they heard that I was pregnant, and that was why I left my old school.  Very shocked, and freaked out by the apparent rumor out there, I was speechless.  That is when my sister inlaw, who was standing near by and heard what they said, ran over, and told them it was not my baby.  I was hurt by that.  I had never given anyone a reason to believe that I was what basically that group of girls had tried to make everybody believe I was.  So not only for the reasons I stated, I wanted it out there that this is my life.  This is what happened.

I went to therapy after my first marriage for a little while.  I don't know if I was still just too immature, or not ready to listen.  Then after my third marriage, I had to stop........  Look at who I really am.  I had to see if it was me as a person, just bad decisions and choices, or chosing men that just aren't right for me.  Therapy was an eye opener.  I was ready for it.  This might explain why I never attempted marriage a 4th time.  I have now been divorced 18+ years.  18, the age I was when I got married that first time.  The age I was when I suffered my first miscarriage.  The age I was when I allowed a man to hit me.  I look back over the past 18+ years of my life.  Life has been a struggle, but I am surviving.  The most important thing is, I like me.......  I'm not afraid to be alone........  My personal goals (while not as fast as I would like) are being met.  I've learned, and it's hard, to not worry about what others think.  I do things for me.  Because it's my life, and if I don't take control and take care of one else will.  No one can make me happy but me.  So "that" is what made me who I am today ;-)


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