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Sunday, June 5, 2011

Wrong reasons with good intentions.......

Recently I blogged about the difficulties I had run into writing about my second marriage.  I knew it was going to be hard to write about.  Not because it was a marriage like the first, or a relationship like the rebound one, but because my second husband is an amazing man.  He is someone I respect very much.  How could I not?  How many men will take responsibility for a  woman pregnant with another man's child, and raise that child as his very own?  I texted Rich, my second husband last week.  I told him about my blog, and asked him if I could use an abreviation of his first name only.  I had to laugh when I got a response that said, "it's fine as long as no one starts throwing rocks at me".  I told him that I didn't think that would happen, because I had portrayed him as nothing but a hero.  That is Rich, the one person who can make me laugh, and annoy me at the same time.  After a lot of prayer and careful thought, I have decided out of respect to Rich and our son Ryan, that I will only touch on certain hightlights of our marriage.
Mine and Rich's marriage was born out of friendship, mutual respect for one another, and a great love for our son.  I loved Rich, and still do.  However, it's not the kind of love a woman has for the man she calls her husband.  Rich is a great guy, still is.  I have this tremendous respect for him.   While our marriage didn't survive, we have been able to co-parent Ryan on many levels.  I think this comes from us both being raised in homes where our parents loved and respected each other, and taught us the importantance of family.  We decided that even though we could not work as a married couple, we would not inflict our differences on our child.  We have stuggled, and I can honestly say that there have only been two times that we could not come to a meeting of the minds......  One was after Rich married a second time.  I was already re-married, and that was a sore subject for him.  His new wife, for whatever reason did things to alienate him from not only his child, but the rest of his family as well.  That eventually worked itself out.  Then we went through a very trying time a few years ago when Ryan was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, as well as many different mental disorders.  I think that is the first time I felt that this might be it.  He would abandon Ryan, when Ryan needed him most.  That too worked it's self out.  There is still a lot of healing going on there, but it is between him and Ryan.

My marriage to Rich happened for the wrong reasons, but with good intentions.  Our marriage was on it's last leg when I met my third husband.  We had discussed separation and divorce.  I think we both knew it just wasn't going to work.  I was unfaithful.  I should have ended my marriage before involving this other person in our lives.  What I did was wrong.  There is no excuse for it.  I will not make excuses for it.  But, I can't go back and undo what I did.  I betrayed my best friend.  The one person who never judged me, who was always there for me, and signed on to be a father to my son.  Not only did I betray him, I betrayed a wonderful family who accepted me with no questions asked.  Eventually, Rich and I were able to salvage our friendship.  His family never turned their backs on me.  They just weren't like that.  I wasn't able to be there for Rich when he lost his father, but I spoke with his mother on a weekly basis up until she passed away, and am thankful I was able to attend her funeral.  I felt like I lost a part of me in losing them.  Rich is now married to a great woman...  I am happy that he has her in his life.  He deserves to have happiness and security in his life.


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