I feel like I am watching my life in bad movie form, and there is not a thing I can do about it. Over this past week, I've heard people repeatedly saying that our system is not fair. Well guess what world?? LIFE is not fair. There is good, there is bad, and there is ugly. If someone would have told me many years ago that this was going to be my life, I would have laughed at them and said, you're crazy...... I have always been the person who could find a positive in a negative....... Something good in something bad....... I think this came from my Grandma. She was such an amazing woman. I always admired her strength. I know that a lot of that came from her faith in the Lord. She prayed all the time, and had faith that could move moutains. I was raised in a christian home. Went to church every time the door was open and very active in our youth group. I even went to church camp every summer. As I got older I got away from the church. I don't believe in any kind of organized religion, and I believe if a brutal murderer can be foregiven and saved just by asking God to do so, then I think going to heaven is not contingent on weather you go to church or not, but if your heart is right with the Lord. With that said....... I have always believed in God, but I have not always kept my faith. I used to think that the little black cloud over my head was just plain ole bad luck. My mama told me one time if I kept saying that, then I would have bad luck all the time. Of course years later she took that back, and finally agreed with me ;-) A few years ago, when my son was very ill, and I felt like the walls were closing in around me, I renewed my faith, and put it all in God's hands. I like to think of my relationship with God as something personal and private. So why am I saying all of this? Because it leads me to where I am at this moment. I felt like during a lot of my adulthood, that "Footprints in the Sand" was written just for me. I still question why things happen. But, I now believe everything in my life is a part of God's bigger plan for me. Although I didn't think God would give me more than I can handle, apparently he thinks I need to just put my big girl panties on and deal with it. Right now I feel like I can't handle things, and I ask...... God, can't you cut me some slack here?? I don't ask for a lot. I know we should not think we "deserve" anything or are "entitled" to anything. But, I love life........ I don't party like a rock star...... But sometimes I would like to. I don't do drugs...... I consider myself a good person. So, right now, why am I questioning my faith in God, and screaming WHY? My son is rapid cycling with his bi-polar disorder.... I blame myself, even though I'm not to blame. But how can I be a strong person for him when I can't even keep my emotions in check right now. I had been in a relationship with the most amazing man. He brought so much into my life and Ryan's life. Because of where he is in his life right now, he felt he needed to move on. I now not only question why all of this is happening to me, I am second guessing my own ability to function in a real relationship. So right now I'm on an emotional roller coaster, and my heart won't let me try to move on. My child senses things with me more than anyone. A lot of times I think he takes on my pain and feeds from that energy. It's very hard when you have no one, and this individual counts on you so much. For the most part there is no time to mourn a loss or take a timeout for me. I am babbling right now. But that is what I am feeling right now. A lot of fuzzy matter. I'm trying to make sense of where I am at, and trying to understand where does all of this fit into God's bigger plan for me. Maybe a few more prayers, and I can pull out of it and move forward. At least that is what I am believing.......
Peace!
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