I never really proof read my blogs before I post them. I usually write, pray, and post. Sometimes I go back the day after and sometimes I wait a few days. All I know is that I write from my heart and post it on a wing and prayer. Last night was a little different. I thought I was ready to write about my very recent breakup. Clearly I wasn't. I have so many unresolved feelings right now, and everything I wrote came out wrong. This man who has been a huge part of mine and my Ryan's life for the past few years is an amazing man. I didn't even come close to expressing the feelings I wanted to get out. After going back and reading what I had written, I realized that I went with the hurt emotions. The most defining ones that came to mind.
When I said I fell in love with him over and over, again and again, I meant that. From the moment I opened my door that day........ I knew he was the man I had been waiting for all my life. I think a big turning point for me was the first time I stayed overnight at his place. I had come home from work, and Ryan was really having a rough day. He was being very difficult. I was exhausted and very upset. I was chatting with this new man in my life, and he asked me to come over to his place. I agreed. It was my first time going over there, and I was excited just to see him. When things were not going well, it just seemed natural for me to run to him. I took a quick shower, got dressed and took off over there. I told Ryan I was going out, and would be home in a few hours. I told him to call my cell phone if he needed me. I was almost over there when Ryan called and screamed at me and demanded to know where I was going. I told him I was at a friend's place and asked if he was okay. He said he was, but he was mad at me. I got over there and shared with my guy what was going on. He listened to me and basically was my shoulder to cry on. Finally Ryan started calling again. Still exhausted from earlier in the evening, he asked me, why don't you just spend the night here tonight? I said, I do have to work in the morning. He told me he would get me up early enough to make it home in time to get ready. I called Ryan and told him I would be home early in the morning. We were awaken by my cell phone ringing in the wee hours of the morning. He handed me my phone, saying it was Ryan. Ryan was freaking out, saying he his throat was closing and he couldn't breathe. It was his way of trying to get me home right away. I calmed him down, and went back to sleep. This around 3:30 a.m. my phone rang again. Once again it was Ryan screaming that he was about to die. He said I needed to get home right now. At this point I knew I would not get any sleep, so I got up, dressed and went home. My guy asking me all the way to the car if everything was going to be okay. I assured him it would be. A couple of nights later I went back over. Only this time I had downloaded some information/description of Asperger's Syndrome. When he answered his door and I came in, he asked what was in my hand. I handed him the papers I had printed off and said, welcome to mine and Ryan's world. Read it when you have a minute. So all was good.... The next afternoon when I got home from work I signed onto my Yahoo Messenger, and had several offline messages from him. He had read what I brought him and researched it for me. He had all kinds of websites listed for me to visit. I did go to them each and every one. I remember sitting at my computer crying. No one had ever showed any interest in my Ryan and the fact that he was special needs, but my man did. He wanted to help. He wanted to be there for both Ryan and me. I was so taken with this man. I sat there crying...... I knew at that moment that I had fallen in love with him again. There were many other times...... Like when we were sitting up in bed at like 2:00 a.m. singing David Allan Coe's song "You Never Even Called Me By My Name". We were sitting there with our heads propped up against the headboard and pillows, singing that song, and laughing. Then there was my brownie making lesson in the wee hours of the morning. This came after I was elected by the girls in the office to make heart shaped browning from a recipe they gave, and I made the biggest mess. He told me he was going to make sure I knew how to make brownies. I'm proud to say he succeeded, and was a great teacher. Probably more recent was when he met Ryan and I at a game place in Ybor City. Ryan was so excited that he was meeting us. Ryan convinced him to get on this simulater/ride thing. You pick a scenerio, you sit in one place, but your seat moves around and makes it feel like you are on a roller coaster ride. The machine was broken and kept giving them free rides. They ended up doing like 10 of those things. I thought for sure he would never want to be around us again, but he never let anything like that show. Instead we headed over to Panera Bread (Ryan's favorite) and had some lunch. It was so nice. I like that family feeling, and I thought he did too. He communicates with Ryan so well. I would see Ryan open up to him like he had never opened up to anyone. There were a couple of times that I was just wiped out by things I was going through with Ryan, and he would come over to our house and help me out. Other times we would meet him at a restaurant and that would help too. He never went against anything I said to Ryan, and I didn't with him either. Everything about us worked. I would watch him sometimes while he was watching tv or sleeping. I never tired of him and thinking how amazing he was. He taught me so much, and has always encouraged me to follow my dream of going to Law School. He sometimes pushes and nags, but overall he is great. What can I say? He holds my heart.
I don't say I am without fault. I know I can be clingy and whiney at times. Yes.......guilty as charged. I get caught up in wanting to be a girl and let my man take control, and when it doesn't happen I can be very spoiled. Him being ex-military and a judo instructor doesn't have time for it, and no patience for it. He is a straight forward kind of guy. He has never sugar coated anything. But when I've needed him, he has been there. I mourn not only the ending of my relationship with him, but the fact I won't be talking to one of my best friends and sharing good things going on with Ryan and I. I'm sure as time goes I will be more open about this relationship because I do love him so much. We are all going to be okay.......