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Sunday, May 29, 2011

Happily Ever After? I don't think so....

Whoever thought of the fairytale concept is stupid!  Okay......maybe it happens for some, but I am so sure the percentage is very small......

Marriage number 1 sounded like a good idea....  NOT!  I should have turned and run for my life, when my feet wouldn't move forward that day I first said "I do", I should have just run.....  That would have made me a runaway bride I guess?  lol

I can still have that picture in my mind of the cute little apartment we rented.  I decorated it with hand me downs, and stuff from the discount store.  I was so proud of it.  I had these ideas of being the perfect little housewife, and all that stuff.  I should have known there would be problems when he had to have a nightlight to find his way to the bathroom during the night!  I don't know exactly how soon it happened; days, weeks, a month....  But he went through my clothes.  He threw things out of the closet, saying you can't wear this, you can't wear that.  Then we went shopping.......  He picked out all my clothes.  Now, I had never been a trashy, sleazy dresser.  I loved clothes and fashion, but always tried to dress in good taste.  My only vice was!  Being tiny at the time, and having been raised in Florida by the beaches and the pool.....  I loved my bikinis.  Mama and Daddy never told me I couldn't wear them, but "he" told me I couldn't.  The swim suit he picked out for me was this horrible multi-pastel whole piece, that if I wore shorts and a tank top wouldn't have covered up as much of me.  I complied with his wishes because there was this fear in me.  Then came the criticism.  You can't do this, you can't do that.  He would not let me cook.  He actually forbid me to do it.  I remember my older brother TJ coming to visit, and staying overnight with us.  The next morning, I was told not to cook, and my brother was warned not to eat anything I prepared.  Of course he said it in a joking manner to TJ.  After he left for work, my brother asked me what that was about, and I laughed it off, and I cooked us breakfast, but I did make sure that the kitchen was cleaned spotless after.  This set the pattern of what my life was like in my first marriage.  Then two months into the marriage one day my parents invited us to come over for dinner on a night that we both had off from work.  I was excited about getting out to visit my family.  He was actually off that day, and I was working the day shift at my job that week.  I came in to find him sitting at the table, his posture stiff, and his face was different than I had ever seen.  At that moment, I knew, my life would be changed forever....  He stood up and walked toward me, saying that his sister had come over on her lunch break, and told him a few things about me.  I asked what he was talking about.  See, his sister was and had been married to one of my cousins for years.  He said that she told him that I was a spoiled little brat, and he should not let me have my way.  I stared, dumbfounded......  I wanted to defend myself, but at the same time, I was scared......  He told me he was starting now......  We WOULD not go to my parents for dinner, and we WOULD not do anything unless he said so.  I made the mistake of speaking.  I said, we both accepted the invitation.  It was for both of us, and you were present when they asked us.  He said, NO we are not going.  Well, I said, YES we are.........  My Mama is expecting us, and we need to do the right thing and go.  He stood firm.....  I went into the bedroom upset, and he followed.  I was standing by the dresser, when I saw his arm come up, and his fist coming at my head......  I ducked, and he hit the wall.  I felt the whole apartment move with his force.  Other than a million and 1 spankings from my Daddy growing up, I had never experienced anything like this.  I ran to the closet and grabbed my suitcase.  I opened a drawer and started throwing my clothes in.  He started crying, throwing clothes back into the drawer as fast as I could take them out.  His one bloody hand held against his chest.  He was apologizing.......saying it wouldn't happen again....  But it did......  Many times over. 

GYN.  I got in my car.......  I drove over, stopping along the way to throw up.  I could barely get out of my car.  My brother in law helped me from my car to my sister's car so she could take me to the doctor.  I was pregnant, almost 3 months pregnant.  I had a lot of different emotions going through me.  I just knew that this was wrong.  This was not supposed to be this way.  I told him it was confirmed......  At this time he started spending less time at home, and more time working, hunting, fishing........  Things that may seem normal to most, but it was his way of avoiding this.  Almost like if he ignored it, it would go away.  I remember one day he came home, and I had my baby brothers, my cousin, and some other children over playing in the yard.  He was very angry.  After I got all the kids home and came back, he told me I was to not babysit or have anyone over without his permission.  I agreed......  It's the only thing I thought I could do.  I had this little person living inside of me, and I had to protect it.  I was working shift work at that time, and went back on second shift.  I came home a few nights later, and he had his nephew over.  I was hungry, and asked if there were any leftovers.  He told me no, and to shut up!  They were trying to sleep.  Tired, not feeling well, and hungry, I made that fateful decision to go against him.  I asked him why was it okay for him to have children over without asking me, but it was not okay for me?  The next thing that happened was not what I expected.  I was hit with a blow that to this day sits deep in my soul........  He punched me with all he had right in my stomach........  I doubled over, then ran and locked myself in the bathroom.  I threw up, holding my stomach......  He begged from the other side of the door, crying.....  Telling me over and over that he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again.  But it did.  I didn't lose my baby that night, but a few weeks later I started spotting.  After much begging from me, he took me to the doctor.  The doctor told me that she couldn't get a heartbeat.  She said she thought that the baby had detached from my uterus, and she recommended that I have a DNC to go ahead and clean it out.  I was devastated......  She told me those things that you really don't want to hear; you're young you can try again, you're young.....this happens in a lot of first time pregnancies.  Then she said, it's not like you have been punched in the stomach or anything.  I looked over at him, and he knew what he had done.  When the doctor left the room to set things up with the hospital, I looked at him.  I told him if I lost MY baby, I would never forgive him for what he had done.  He tried to console me.  It just wasn't there.  I lost my baby at almost 5 months.  I didn't talk to him for a long time.  We separated quite a few times, and even got pregnant one more time, but that too ended on it's own very quickly.  Things happen for a reason. 

My innocence gone.......  I turned to an old boyfriend.  Yes, it was wrong, and what my family saw was me being a cheater.  Giving up on my marriage.......  I felt so alone, and felt I was never the same in any of their eyes after that.  I got divorced.....  At 19 years old, with a lot of beatings, and two miscarriages under my belt....  I took that walk of shame........  I'll write about domestic violence and how it really affected my life even to this day.


1 comment:

Suzanna said...

Many times over...... He decided that we should have a baby..... This some how disappeared. I got pregnant right away. I am going to shorten this.... It was against his sister's wishes. He refused to believe I was pregnant already, and insisted that I go back on the pill. I didn't. After being so sick, and him not allowing me to go to the doctor, my sister told me that if I could get over to her house in the next town, she would take me to her OB/GYN........ I think this is where it picks up.