HAPPY NEW YEAR'S!!

My special wish is that you my followers have an amazing 2012!  Thank you for joining me.......and I hope you will topple over into the new year with me.  I am excited to move on, and while this past year has been a rough one..........I wouldn't change anything.  Life is good........   Happy New Year's!!

Taking a break......

Sometimes you just have to take a break......  I love men, don't get me wrong......but damn.........  I'm just worn out right now.  I've got lots of thoughts and ideas swimming around with my head.......  OMG!!!  I am working on something.....  I will be writing about it soon.

So life as it is right now......  I babysat my little 7 year old niece this morning.  This is my next to the youngest brother's daughter.  He and his wife are separated and in the process of a divorce.  I haven't been around his children a lot because......because I just haven't.  I did keep this little niece once before, but with 3 of her brothers.  So of course I was looking forward to having a girlie kind of day.  Well she surprised me.  She talked a lot, but she also had some depression, and a whole lot of anger built up inside her.  At least that is what I thought.  So we spent half a day together, and interesting it was.  But I am going on very little sleep and about to drop.  I didn't want to not write.  I am going to run on along, and blog my little heart out tomorrow........  So I will see ya then!

Peace!

Have you ever had a good friend of the opposite sex that you kind of played around with, but didn't actually go all the way with, but wanted to?  Someone that you feel this overwhelming passion with, and literally can't keep your hands off of when you're in close proximity, and no one is looking?  I have one of those friends.  He is someone I knew, but didn't know many years ago......  Then our paths crossed years later, but he was married.  We became friends, but never was there anything inappropriate.  I thought he was hot, but he was just a kind soul.  Easy to talk to, and an awesome sense of humor.  So naturally I was surprised when out of the blue I received a call from him (after no contact for a couple of years or so) on of all days......Valentine's Day........  This was several years ago.  He told me that he had wanted to call me, but was hesitant to, but he wanted to talk to me.  I got that feeling that it was a little more than a friendship talk.  He said we should get together some time.  Of course I asked about his wife.  He said, oh.....I got divorced a couple of years ago.  He said he thought I knew.  My heart flitter fluttered......  I didn't really think there was this possibility of us getting together as a couple.  I mean........He is hot......I'm cute, but I don't fall into the "hot" category.  Since that phone call years ago, he and I have been close.......  We have become very good friends.  I call him my best guy friend.  I go to him when I am feeling down, because he knows just what to say to make me smile and feel good.  So over these years we have shared kisses and some fooling around, but nothing ever goes any further.  We keep saying we're going to get together, but don't.  I mean........we see each other, but not in a setting that anything beyond what we've done will happen.  He tells me I am beautiful and amazing.  I think he wonderful.  He has told me that he knew with me it would have to be all or nothing at all because I am that kind of woman.  He could not see having a one night stand or a fling with me.  I think we both worry if we did let anything happen, would it destroy our friendship.  But I really don't think at this point it would.  Our friendship is pretty solid.  So he contacted me the day after Christmas.  He suggested that we hang out or something.  It didn't happen that day, but it did happen today.  Of course that passion was there.  AGAIN.....  I had this enormous guilty feeling after.  Because of the other person that I have been seeing.  Tonight as I was talking to one of my girlfriends I came to the realization that I am not in a committed relationship, nor have we decided to only see each other.  I wanted that, but he won't give that to me.  Actually we were chatting online last night, and once again he stopped communicating, and wouldn't respond to me.  So should I really be feeling guilty?  I am single, I am available........  I don't think I should be feeling this way, but I can't help it.  So my friend and I are going to get together soon.  So we shall see....  The other person?  I sent him a text.  I told him that I learned a long time ago to be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.....  By that I meant that if he keeps wishing and hoping that I would disappear and go away, he just might get what he wished for.  I am tired of the game playing by him.  I'm ready to have a new beginning in the new year........

Peace!

Reality Check....

Reality check.......  I needed to have that Christmas day rant.  Am I proud of it?  No :-/  I would like to say it's a little bit of everything that has me on the edge these days.  No job, waiting to get my hormones in, man issues.......Ugh.....  So after today I thought I would take a little break from that stuff. 

Today was the funeral of a police officer in one of the neighboring counties to where I live.  Almost daily you hear of an officer being down, but this one hit me really hard.  He was only 25 years old, and killed by a 19 year old.  The local news station I watch televised the service.  I cried......my heart breaking for that young man's family.  The most touching moment to me was when the Police Chief was reading from his job application, and read the part where he told why he would be the best for the job.  It was just so moving......

Then I was reading my Facebook home wall, and see a post by a friend.  She is someone who goes all out for her children's birthdays.  So this post struck me as odd.  She was wishing her oldest son a Happy Birthday, and reassuring him that she loved him.  So naturally I went to her page, and seen where she posted that their house had burned up, and they lost everything.  Even their two cats....  This all happened the week before Christmas.  Now it made sense what she said to her son.  My heart is heavy for them. 

So after this day......I had to think.  Yes.....I'm out of work.......yes, I am out of my hormones, and the man problems.........That is NOTHING!  My thoughts and prayers are with this officer's family, friends and co-workers.......  My thoughts and prayers are with my friend and her family......  Life is so short, and we need to take the time to listen to others, be aware of what is going on around us, and just re-prioritize things.....  I'm not saying that I'm not going to share my drama or be a little selfish, but right now......my heart goes out to those people.

Peace!

Miracle.....ummm.....no

What does miracle mean?  "A surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is considered to be divine."  Yes, I can go on about all the miracles that have happened in my life, and I have done that.  But right now......I feel the need to be a little selfish!  I guess I had convinced myself that I was going to have a miracle of a different nature.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  He and I were communicating late last night, and all of a sudden stopped texting.  He didn't apologize or anything like that this morning.  He hasn't even contacted me today at all.  Not a I'm sorry I fell asleep last night, Merry Christmas or F@#& U!  I have a lot of mixed emotions over this, but the strongest one is that of survival.....  I keep visualizing myself standing in the middle of a table at a bar, with a short skirt, stiletto heels, and a hot pink feather boa on, and dancing and singing.......  "I Will Survive!"  or better yet....... "Another One Bites the Dust!"  Yep.......  I think after 3+ years he does not deserve me.  I have taken the crap he has put out, and I've stood strong because I love him.  And this so-called, we are friends is plain bullshit too!  I speak to my friends when I am spoken to.  I respond to them.  I wish them Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, etc. without provocation.  The funny thing is........  He tries to make it look like I am some big secret, yet, we have been seeing each other for over 3 years.  His "normal" young adult son?  Well, he knows about me too.  After all my first introduction to him was after I unexpectedly spent the night, and didn't have extra clothes, or hair and make-up stuff with me.  He invited his son over then to meet me.  Okay.....what young adult wouldn't know that I hadn't spent the night.  So I really don't get it.  I don't get why he will try to accomodate me and make things happen when I say something like a few nights ago, then do this.  He is so secretive.  I don't ask for anything from him, but a little bit of his time, and of course I would like to have his love......  But heaven help if I tried to demand anything.  And I learned a long time ago in marriage number 3, that you don't give ultimatums.  I really do love this man.  But he just doesn't get it.  I have to ask myself how long I am willing to wait.  I'm not ready to.  My heart is not ready to.  I know the night is not over.....  He still might contact me.  But I highly doubt it.  As he told me when I extended the invitation that he join Ryan and I, and go with us to our family get together, he declined.  He said, thanks, but I have other plans.  I told him okay, and if those changed he was still welcome.  So you would think he would have at least responded when I texted him Merry Christmas.  I had not thrown a tantrum because he had "other" plans.  I didn't ask him what those "other" plans were.  I was totally calm.  I just assumed he was spending the time with his son, and his nephew.  Then the thought came to mind when he and this son went out of state to visit his older son, that the younger one complained saying his mother was going to be all alone for Thanksgiving.  So who knows......he could have done the cozy little family thing with his "adult" son and his ex-wife.  I think I by writing this, I am making my own case....Ugh!  I love him and want him, but not at the cost of my sanity.....  So, maybe God just didn't see fit for me to have this miracle today.  We'll see........

Peace!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everybody!!  Got lots to celebrate today.  I celebrate my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!  Without his birth we would not know the blessings of the gift of giving and receiving.  He is the reason for this season......  I also celebrate my beautiful Mother's birthday.  She is 75 today.  When I think back to my childhood, I think about how my Mom always worked very hard to make Christmas a big thing in our house.  She kept the spirit of Christmas and Santa alive with us kids.  Call me silly, but I still believe in Santa.  I chose to sit in my living room to write my blog.  I had not put up a Christmas Tree in over 3 years, and decided that this year I would get back into the holiday spirit, and put our tree up.  I usually unplug when it gets later, but left it plugged in order to be able to look at the lights while I blogged.  it is so pretty.  I look at each ornament, and think of how we came to own them.  Each one has a sentimental value.  Although it is a themed tree (FSU - Garnet and Gold).  We have bows, FSU and TBBucs ornaments, the Hershey Kiss, the little Monopoly man, the M and M guys, and LOTS of angels.  Oh there is also a green frog that was a gift to Ryan from one of my nieces.  I love snowmen, so there are a lot of snowman decorations around.  It's just calm and peaceful right now.  We've already gotten our gifts from the family.  So there won't be a Santa visit here......  It's all good though.  I said this was going to be the year of love and family.  I am also still holding out for the "miracle".  I'm sure it's going to happen......  I feel it.  I'm a believer.  I have prayed, I have willed it to happen, and I now believe it is going to happen.  He and I are talking again ;-)  Yayy........   So enjoy your holiday.......  Remember to thank God for the blessings in your life.......  Love your friends and family, and just have a Merry Christmas!
Peace! 

Merry Christmas Eve!

I am going to venture away from my usual man drama to wish all my readers/followers a Merry Christmas Eve!  On this day before Christmas, I want to say thank you!  When I started this blog, I wasn't sure where I would go with it, and if anyone would even pay attention.  So thank you again for allowing me to tell my story.  I hope you start your festivities off right with lots of love and happiness, family and friends!  Enjoy your day......and ALWAYS remember to tell those you love just how my they mean to you!  Life is too precious not to!  God Bless and much love to you all :-)
Peace!

Twas the morning before the night before Christmas.......

I cannot believe it is almost 4:15 a.m.  I have only had a couple of power naps.....but nothing that could be called a good night's sleep.  I am so wired......  My mind is so tangled with many different thoughts.  If someone would have told me a year ago that I would be right where I am today, I would have said you're fricken crazy!!  So here I am jobless, with a sick kid, a psycho puppy, and an amazing man that I pissed off royally aparently.  So now we're into well over 24 hours of not speaking at all.  Not even a "hey, how are you?"  or anything......  So much for my miracle, huh?  Okay......I guess I was stupid for dreaming, and hoping that maybe this holiday would be a turning point for he and I, and he would surprise me with something.  I think I blogged a while ago about a billboard that my son and I passed one day, and there was a marriage proposal written across it.  Well, I didn't expect something to that extreme, but I had hoped that there would be something.  Maybe a declaration that he really did love me, and was ready to verbalize that he really loves me, and needs me in his life.  That finally I had redeemed myself, and we were back to the first year when we started seeing each other, and he actually believed that I was the one.  I suppose it is encouraging that he hasn't yet screamed at me that he made a mistake by starting to see me again as frequently as he did again.  That he does not love me.  This is not going anywhere.  Can't go anywhere, and he is never going to see me again.  Yeah.....I think I covered all the things I have heard from him in "rapid cycle" over the past year.  Maybe longer.  Dammit!!  Damn him!!!  I love him, and he just doesn't get it.  He thinks I can just walk away.  Which is pretty much what every woman has ever done to him.  He can sugar coat his past relationships, but when you slice it up, it comes back together that those women abandoned him.  Maybe he did to them, and they just got tired of it.  Didn't have the strength, or the willpower to stick it out.  Maybe they weren't committed to making things work.  So now I am getting to deal with his committment issue and intimacy issues.  Which sucks royally.  Because until he is ready to let go of the past, he will never move forward.  I mean come on........  If anyone should be terrified of going to the next level in a relationship it should be me.  I have been physically, emotionally, mentally, and verbally abused, and sexually battered in past marriages and relationships.  So he needs to get with the program.  Because, while I will never stop loving him........  I will eventually get enough of this.  I will walk away too, and nurse my broken heart, and try to salvage what I can, and move on.  I wish I knew how to shake him into seeing he is close to losing me.  But, I am not a player.  I don't like all of this drama.  I want calm, normal, peace.......  I want to be with the man I love (namely...him)!  I want us to start building our life together.  I wish he would wake up and realize how much time we are wasting.  Time is so precious, and we don't know what tomorrow holds.  So we should be taking advantage of every moment.  Are you guys tired of this yet.  I just have to sort it out this way......  Tell my story.......what's in my head and heart, ya know?  So hang with me a little while longer ;-)

Peace!

Just when......

If I can screw something up, I will........  I don't know what is wrong with me lately.  I had the most romantic.....  Yes, I said romantic night last night with him.  After thinking he was blowing me off...........WRONG.  I went over to his place last night at his invitation.  We have never been the candlelight-romance couple.  But that does not affect our intimacy.  We are very passionate together.  Unbelievably passionate!  However, before I went over I made the comment about wanting the candlelight lovemaking.  Yeah, I know.....  He acted surprised.  That of which I think was orchestrated on his part ;-)  So when I got there.  His place was dark, except the light in the bathroom.  I won't go into specific details, but later when I mentioned that the dark was a first for us, he said it was not dark........the bathroom light had been on.  He said since he didn't have candles he was trying to give me the candlelight I wanted.........Awwww.............How sweet and romantic is that?!?  So, he can say we can't make it, and he doesn't love me, but why would he do that?  Try to do something for me like that?  Most men who aren't in love or don't care would not bother.  Enter.....my temper tantrum :-(  I know, right??  Well........  being unemployed and no health insurance, I applied for a patient assistance program for my hormone pills.  Things got screwed up, and are now being corrected, but I have been 4 days without my hormones, and quite frankly.........I feel like I am trying to crawl out of my skin!!  So I texted him to ask him if he could fax something for me.  When he didn't respond, I called.  It ended up.....he didn't help me.  I was upset.  I went overboard.  I screamed in a couple of voice messages to him, and sent him a sarcastic text message.  Yes.......  I am human, and dealing with a lot of crap right now.  Actually, most people would have already thrown in the towel by now.  I can almost guarantee it!  But of all people to take out my frustrations on, but the man who made my previous night special, and who continues to be wonderful to me.  No he is not the easiest person to get along with, and he can be an a#&whole sometimes.  But he is an amazing man.  The man I love with all my heart!  Now, I just might have lost him forever.  It was days like today that pushed him away years ago.  I have apologized via text message and voicemail.  All I can do at this point is take a step back, hope he is forgiving, and will contact me when things have blown over.  I hope it can and will work out this way.  So just when I think FINALLY we are bonding, I screw it up........  I have got to get it together!!  Helppppp.................  Later ;-/

Peace!

A DOUBLE dose of WTF..............

Okay.....I am hoping I don't offend the virgin ears, but I never said this was going to be pretty!!!  So What the F*&%# x 2???!!!!

First of all my interview went great........  I think I have a shot at this one, but don't want it.  It was an hour and a half drive for me, and a lot less money, and not benefits.  I could take a job right near my house for a lot less money, and be close to home to save on gas, and wear and tear on my car.  Gosh.........  I hate being unemployed.

Second........  Okay........  Maybe I was a little premature on the love thing.  Yes, I love him.  But he has totally blown me off again.  I feel like calling him up and asking if "she" is worth losing the best thing that ever happened to you?  I swear.  I don't think it's another woman.  I just think he is going through some things, and he is allowing his fear to keep him from sharing.  I wish I truly knew the male psyche.....   Better yet.......I would like someone to explain how you can have everything in a relationship, and it still cannot work out......  Well when one of you agrees with you, but still says it can't work.  He hasn't said it this time.  I keep waiting for the fallout, but it hasn't happened yet.  Something is definitely going on........WTF???!!!

Okay.......  Enough is enough I guess........  Goodnight all...  I will be back ;-)

Peace!

Job interview.......

Why is it that I always feel like I am walking the plank with Caption Hook fast on my heels when I go into a job interview??  Personally, I think I suck at interviewing.  However, one head hunter I met with said I do a great interview.  So why do I have all this anxiety?  I have found that each interview is different, even though I am apply for basically they same types of positions.  I have met with office managers, human resource managers, attorneys, both partners and associate ones.  I have inteviewed individually with them, and all clumped together (like being in front of a firing squad).  All I want to do is get a job, doing what I do.  I have reservations as to working for a woman.  Yes, I know.........I'm a woman.  But we are bitches to work for.  I figure men are more laid back.  At least in the legal field.  But when I have interviewed with male attorneys, they have their right hand female sitting by their side staring me down.  Ugh..........  Did I say, I just want a job, doing what I do.  That, or a publisher who will help me do what I really want to do....which is what I am doing now.  Telling my story ;-)  Wish me luck!!

Peace!

Love Part 2?

Okay.......  I think I am ready to admit that I am totally in love.....  Nothing like I've ever felt before.  Nope.......it's no one new.  I thought I was doing pretty good with this, but not a chance.  I have tried to meet new men.  I have tried to be interested in other men, but I'm a hopeless cause.  I keep waiting for this to run it's course.  I mean it usually does for me.  By just about right now.  However, this doesn't feel like it will ever go away.  He and I have talked about this some over the past month.  We had stopped seeing each other.  Well kind of.  We were still seeing each other, just not frequently.  That changed recently.  Things go so well.......He is listening to me more.  He is being extremely supportive.  Not very critical.  All signs that something is changing for him?  You would think so, but he is still holding back.  He asks me about my needs/wants in a relationship, but he is not expressing his.  I think he has a commitment phobia, or intimacy issues.  We are great together.  I see it.  Others see it.  Why doesn't he??  I feel certain too, that if this ends once and for all, I will have that broken heart that cannot be repaired.  Sounds like a mess, huh?  It is.......  I love this man.  I have tried to tell him, but I don't think he trusts what I am saying.  I never thought I would get to the point of being ready to take the next step ever again, but I am.  He holds my heart.  I am still holding out for that miracle...........  That and true love ;-)

Peace!

Shooting Stars and Miracles

After much thought, I have decided that a miracle is going to happen this Christmas.  I mean, I know miracles have already happened, but I'm thinking along the romantic sense ;-)  Did I ever mention in any of my blogs that I'm a hopeless romantic?  Like "Sleepless in Seatle" kind of romantic?  I love the idea of love....  AND........  I'm a dreamer!  My mom thought for sure I would grow up and be an eccentric "soap opera" actress......  I guess my imagination as a child was just a tad bit over the top :-/  But I truly believe that with all the chaos that has happened over the past few months, that I'm due for a miracle.  So I was at my friend's house (yes that one who brought up needs v wants) a few nights ago.  When I was on my way home I saw a shooting star!  I wished on it, because I think that is what you're supposed to do?  So this friend and I have been talking a lot....  We've be kind of just taking things one day at a time.  Going with the flow......  I pray that he is a part of that miracle that is going to happen........ 

Peace!

I believe in miracles ;-)

So here we are just a little over a week before Christmas.  I have put up my Christmas Tree, and all that good stuff, but I can't quite get into the spirit of things.  I thought it was helping, but I have started taking a nose dive fast again.  I guess it wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that I am about to go into week 3 of unemployment.  I search everyday endlessly.......Ugh.......  Send my resume out, and have had a couple of interviews, and a couple of telephone screenings for jobs, but nothing :-(  I had a meltdown earlier this week.  I'm not real proud of that....  I let a lot of anger and frustrations out, but not in a postitive way.  I kicked, screamed, threw things, and then went into my bedroom, and threw myself across my bed, and cried and cried!!  I felt a lot better after, but I had a huge mess to clean up, and a huge bruise on my ankle, and a sore wrist and arm.  That miracle that I wished for a few blogs ago?  Well now would be a great time for it to happen.  I would like to be that person that great things happen to, but not at someone else's expense.  Like hitting the lotto jackpot, or something like that.  I guess I would just take a job at this point.  My friends encourage me to believe.......  I'm really trying to.  Miracles, right??

Peace!

Needs v Wants = ??

I have been pondering something that I was asked recently....  I was asked to think about what I really wanted out of a relationship or marriage....as in needs v wants.....  Obviously I had not put a lot of thought into my prior marriages.  I was young, and very much the free spirit.  I usually didn't put a lot of thought into anything back then.  But here I am 23+ after my third marriage took place, and I am thinking, yes, someday I would like to take that step again, but I want to be sure it will make it.  I mean I know there are no guarantees that a marriage will survive after you say those magical words "I do".  So this person who asked me this is of the opposite sex, and who has been a big part of my life.  So needs v wants, huh?  So after putting a little thought into that I headed for "Google" which is now my new best friend ;-)  I put in what is love....  of course it gives the noun and the verb definitions.  I took the first thing...  "an intense feeling of deep affection".  Then I googled what is need....  "require something because it is essential or very important".  Finally, I googled what is want...  "have a desire to possess or do something; wish for".  Okay......  You're probably wondering why I googled "love", right?  Well, if I was going to try to figure out my needs v wants with regard to a relationship and/or marriage I figured love had to play in there somewhere.....  So let's look at need first...  If we require something because it is essential or very important, or in layman's terms, you have to have something in order to survive, can that really apply to a relationship or marriage?  I really don't think so.  I mean maybe on a couple of things, but I know that I am not going to die if I don't have a "relationship" or "marriage".  I am not going to die if I don't have "sex".  Do you see where I am going with this?  I have been divorced for almost 19 years.  I am still living, I am still thriving for the most part, and while I would like to some day, marriage is not a priority in my life right now.  Let's move on to want....  have a desire to possess or do something; wish for....  Hmmm.......  Now that I can see applying to a "relationship" or "marriage".  I would want certain things out of my marriage and the man I marry.  I guess maybe I would require certain things as well.  So maybe needs to play into it.  A deep sense of affection.......LOVE.......  Ahhhh.......yes :-)  If I were looking to marry someone for strictly companionship, say.......just for a warm body, then I might be thinking about wants, as opposed to needs.  Are you confused yet?  Because when I tried to explain this to "him", he told me to get to the point, that I was rambling on about needs and wants.  So, I took it upon myself to start listing via instant message what I wanted out of and from the man I was considering a long term commitment with.  Let's just put it this way......  He has been very quiet ever since.  Let's face it...  My track record is not so good when it comes to picking husbands.  At least 1 and 3.  I tend to get into disastrous relationships as well.  But at this time of my life I have had plenty of time to think about this.  In my 19 years since my last divorce, I have thought a lot about what I want in a marriage.  Notice I said "want"?  Obviously I don't want someone who is going to use me as their punching bag, or to be criticized over every single thing I do.  I want him to be secure both financially and emotionally.  Someone from a similar background that I am.  I could go on and on, which is what I did with him.  But I also know my heart is going to play into it.  First and foremost I want there to be love.....  I want to love and be loved.  So is one really better than the other in this need v want delima??

Peace!

Lost in translation?

I honestly do not know what I am doing these days.....  I have gotten so far away from myself.  My normal upbeat, inspired self is lost somewhere in translation.  I remember when I was first pregnant with my son, but only Rich knew I was, and my sister suspected.  I was at this little carnival in the mall parking lot of the small Georgia town where I lived.  My sister's youngest daughter had just turned 3, and loved the Merry Go Round.  So I stood on the thing with her, and we rode, and the guy stopped taking tickets from us because he thought it was fascinating how much my little niece loved that ride.  I was sure at some point I might get sick.  Something I would have no control over because, I was obivously going to be that woman who could not do much of anything during pregnancy that I didn't puke my insides out.  So once again I am here, feeling like I am going in circles.......too fast, and I am going to puke.  I keep thinking I have a good grip on things, but I don't.  I think I need someone to shake me a little bit, and make me pull it together.  I had that interview.  I actually felt good about it.  Now.....I'm not so sure.  I have not had a lot of quiet time lately.  I have so much to write, and can't seem to get my rythm back.  So I am going to try to sit down and write tomorrow.  I have something that I need to get out, and hopefully receive some response to.  So, don't write me off yet.......  I'm coming back ;-)

Peace!

Today is the day....

Today is the day of my interview...  I am nervous, anxious, hopeful, and all that stuff rolled up into a tight little ball in the middle of my stomach!!  I spent half of last night in the ER with my Ryan again.  I will say it again.  This is all just a part of God's bigger plan for me....  It will go in the direction it is supposed to.  So say a prayer for me, or wish me luck.........  I'll let you know how it goes ;-)

Peace!

Movies and Miracles........

So all weekend long I have watched the Christmas movies on the Lifetime and Hallmark channels.  They always start with a single mom, or single woman who are down on their luck.  It shows their struggles with no job, trying to raise children right at christmas with no money, and/or no husband or man in their life to share the holiday with.  Then all of a sudden at the end of the movie they receive all of this help; financially, jobs, the love of their lives.........Hmmmm..............  So as I watch these movies I am thinking how my life mirrors most of these stories.  I am single, I have a special needs young adult son, I have no husband or significant other in my life, and as of Wednesday....  I will be unemployed.  How ironic........  all of this right here at Christmas!  Only difference is that I live in the real world.  Miracles happen, but not quite to that magnitude.  At least not in my real world.  So why do I enjoy watching those movies?  Crying over and over again when these women and men have their wishes come true?  I guess reality or not, it's just in my genetic make up to want to see people happy.  To see their wishes come true.  I actually get pleasure out of seeing good things happen to good people.  I also believe that if I put my faith in God, good things will happen for me too.  Like I will have unexpected cash in my last paycheck, the most awesome job will fall into my lap, I will be able to return to college, and I will hear those 3 words from that special man ;-)  Hey......if you're going to wish or dream......do it big, right?  It can't hurt.  Miracles do happen........  This could be my year.  It could be your year too.  So be kind to others, believe, and dream big........  Make your life a movie ;-)

Peace!

I think I said I would get back to you once I had the chance to reflect on my Thanksgiving Day.  Well, that is exactly what I'm doing.....  Reflecting on the day; my thoughts and feelings..... 

Ryan and I went to a local "diner" like restaurant with my older brother, nephew and his wife, and my little great nephew.  There were also some friends who joined us.  It wasn't the whole big family get together at someone's house.  It was fun and different......and as our waitress said, everybody is family here!  For a couple of hours it was talking, laughing, and eating.....  It was the perfect day!  Looking at everybody interracting with each other......I came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter with who or where you are spending Thanksgiving Day...It's about just being thankful!

I have had a wonderful year so far.....  Sure it hasn't been without ups and downs, and many crisis', but I've weathered those storms.....  I still have my parents......  I have an awesome son, who continues to make progress, and is my hero!  I have wonderful friends and family......  I don't think it gets much better than this ;-)  

So now as we go head on into the Christmas Holiday, it should be interesting.....  I do have a job interview on Tuesday morning.  I just might not skip a beat!  Wish me luck :-)

Peace! 

It is officially Thanksgiving Day.  My head is filled with so many different memories from over the years, and I just wanted to share....

When I was very little we used to split our Thanksgiving Day between my mom and dad's families.  We would spend part of the day with my paternal grandparents, and the other part of the day with my maternal grandmother, and my mom's family.  There was never ever any shortage of love in my family.  As I got older, my dad's parents moved away to North Florida.  We started going there for Thanksgiving, and spending Christmas with my mom's family.  There were always lots of food, lots of hugs, lots of love, and of course those pictures that you see now, and decide..........what on earth was I thinking??  But it was all good.  I never experienced holidays in darkness.......  But having a child with Asperger's Syndrome, who is also bi-polar with panic/anxiety disorders has certainly changed the holidays as I always knew them to be.

We used to go to Georgia so Ryan could visit his dad, and I would spend the holiday with my sister and her family.  This year will be the second year in a row that we have not been back to Georgia for Thanksgiving.  Ryan and I are planning a lazy quiet kind of day.  He just had surgery yesterday for a large kidney stone, and he is still not feeling well.  I will also use this as a day of reflection. 

I will get back to you on what I come up with.......  Until then.......  Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.  Remember, no matter how much or how little you have; always be thankful.  Appreciate what God has given to you.  Make the most of what you have.  Enjoy your day ;-)

Peace!

Thoughts before Thanksgiving

I like to think I am thankful all year around, not just Thanksgiving Day.  However, I think sometimes God gives us a reality check, kind of like a tap on the shoulder to remind us that there is so much more.  I can say I am thankful for my friends and family, or my health, etc.  I am trying to look at things deeper.  I am so thankful for my friends....  They each bring something different to our friendship.  I have those who know just the right things to say when I am feeling down.  Then there are those who know just what to do to make me laugh.  Each friendship is so different, yet they all mean the world to me.  And........while I have been busting on my family a lot lately, I can't imagine my life without them in it!  They too, bring so much to my life.  Individually and together.

When I started this blog a few months ago, I wasn't sure what I would do with it.  I am finding I am kind of all over the place with it.  I just go with whatever is in my heart and head.  Hoping I could reach out to others who have lived similar situations, or faced things where they felt the couldn't go on.......  If I make even one person, smile or laugh......I know I am making a difference!  So, of course I am thankful for my readers/followers......  I don't know most of you, but you make a difference in my life.

Have a beautiful day before Thanksgiving :-)

Peace!

The sixth sense......or the gift of prophecy........

The sixth sense....  I remember seeing dead people as a child, and getting feelings that I could not explain.  Then when I was a little older, and went to church camp every summer, I was told that I had "the gift of prophecy".  Either way.......  It's all the same.  It's just giving it a name you can be comfortable with.  It's all about being in touch with the unknown.  Anyway......  I've always gone on my feelings.  I sense something, and sometimes is just too hard to ignore.  I am usually right on target with my feelings.  I've thought about reading up on this more, or trying to learn to channel it, but I really don't want to walk down the street with every dead person saying hello........  I might get a little overwhelmed.  So when I have a strong feeling........  Feelings is what I call them, rather than visions....  I either act upon them, or just remain quiet to let it run its course.  I was adopted as an infant.  I can still remember a man and woman, not my mom and dad, standing over me, doting on me.........  I believe that is the connection I have to my birth parents (who are both now deceased).  Then I saw my great grandmother when I was about 9 or 10 maybe.  That's when I knew that there was something different in my psyche.  So I have lived with this pretty much since birth I guess, and have learned that my Ryan also has this sixth sense.  He handles it pretty well too.  I remember when I first sensed that we had a roommate in our house.  I was okay with it.  My fear was that if Ryan heard we had a "ghost" he might never sleep in his room again.  So I always kept it quiet.  For a probably 3 or 4 years after we moved into our house.  Then one day I was talking to someone, and they brought it up.  Ryan in passing says, "oh, are you talking about my guardian angel who sits in my room and watches over me?" He then said, "she has been doing that since we moved in here mom."  I was shocked.....  He never mentioned it.  He was never scared.  I asked him about it.  He told me that he wasn't scared of her.  She was just there watching out for us.  Yeah, that's pretty wild.  Then several years ago, a very dear friend of mine was killed in an accident.  The night it happened, I had what I thought was a dream.  In my dream there was someone drowning.  I had my hand down over the edge of the water trying to save them.  I could not see a face, just an extended arm and hand.  Water splashed up to my face and into my mouth.  It wasn't water from a pool.  It was from a lake.  I tried and tried, but I could not save this person.  I woke up with a jolt.  I got up and went to the bathroom, and couldn't shake it.  I went back to sleep, and kept repeating this over and over.  It wasn't much longer when my phone rang.  It was my older brother.  See, the friend I was referring to was his wife's stepbrother.  So when my brother told me that John had been in a jet ski accident during the night, and was missing, once again I got that jolt!  I jumped out of bed.  I knew he would not be found alive.  It was one of those things that I could never shake.  I finally consulted with a Medium.  When she greeted me, she immediately said, you have the gift.  She didn't know me, she had never met me, and was not associated with anyone I knew.  So she told me John was reaching out to me at his time of death to say goodbye.  She said that at the moment I lost my grip and the person slipped away was when he actually died.  After many years of being plagued with the unknown......it all made sense.  So, I have learned to always trust my feelings.  Good or bad......  just trust them.  So that is what I do.  There is nothing satanic about it.  Which is what most people like to think.  It's very real.  It's a gift........  "the gift of prophecy", or the sixth sense.  I don't use it to hurt people.  As I said, I don't even know how to channel it.  Which is why it probably does overwhelm me sometimes.  More recently was my whole job status thing.  I knew it was going to happen, me losing my job.  I even texted and emailed some people when I had the strong feeling about it.  My former boyfriend texted me back, and told me it was all in my head.  Not wanting him to think I was paranoid or crazy, I agreed, and moved on.  So when it happened, I texted him, and said I guess it wasn't all in my head, huh?  Followed by, that is why I always trust my feelings.  I have had this heavy burden on me over my whole job situation.  Then a couple of days ago sitting at my desk at work (I'm there until the end of the month).  I was praying, and talking to the Lord out loud.  I let him know that I wasn't sure if I was up to this again.  Going through the whole no job-job hunting thing.......  I prayed that he would take some of the burden.  I looked down, and on a fax cove sheet under my hand a date was circled.  I had not paid attention to the dates I had gotten from the Judge's office, and faxed over to an opposing counsel.  I just did it like a robot, and had not even paid attention.  But when I looked down, and saw the date........I got a chill.  It was January 18th.  My Grandma's (God rest her soul) birthdate.  Yes.......  I kid you not.  I looked up, and said, thank you Jesus!! and thank you Grandma!!  I knew at that moment that I would be okay....I'm going to be just fine.  The weight, the burden I had been carrying was totally lifted off my shoulders, and I have been feeling so good ever since.  I know that when this door finally closes on November 30th.......an even bigger and better one will open.  Always trust your gut feeling.......  Go with it.  Because more times than not, it's the way things will be.

Peace!

It's a brand new day........

I am going to start this beautiful day off with a positive note!  It's a brand new day......  The beginning of many good things to come!  To my readers.....thank you!!  Make it an awesome day :-)

Will work for food........

Almost 3 years ago I had been gainfully employed for 12 years with the same law firm.  So, you can understand my shock when my employer laid me off......  I had run the office, and it had an outstanding reputation.  Financial difficulties were stated as the reason I was let go, and the lower gal on the totem poll got to keep her job.  It took me almost 7 months to find another job.  It started as a temp job, and there was going to be a brief period of down time before I went permanent.  During this time I was asked to work temporarily for an attorney I knew for a few years.  Just to help out, because her parttime assistant walked out, and her lead paralegal needed some help.  Before it was time for me to leave, I was offered a permanent fulltime position with this firm.  I have been there 2 years this week.  Well.....today about 20 minutes before quitting time, my boss told me she had to let me go because of financial reasons.  She gave me the option of staying 2 weeks (because she could pay me for 2 more weeks) or leaving immediately.  I opted to stay for the 2 weeks.  I am now stepping up my job search.  This is not the greatest place to be right here at the holidays, and my Ryan's birthday.  But I know I will be okay.  I'm in basically in the same place as a lot of people these days.  It's times like these that you have to dig deep and find what you are really made of.  So wish me luck, and say a prayer for me if you will ;-)

Peace!

Friend stuff...........

I have been just dancing around the surface with my recent posts....  When I've talked about my family and those relationships.  All because at this time in my life that is what is on my mind.  However, what I have found through all my life struggles.....  I have always been able to count of my friends.  When the outpouring came from my friends during my family crisis......I was shocked.  I had friends offer to help in any way they could.  I got emails with phone numbers, telling me that if I needed something to let them know.  Some said things like, if you need me I'm there, and I will rally some of our other friends to help out too.  I didn't say anything, and then my older brother came to the hospital when my Ryan had just gone into surgery.  He said he got mom and dad situated, and came to sit with me since he knew I needed him.  He took me out to lunch, and we were talking.  See.....he is an musician/entertainer.  Our hometown celebrity.  Anyway, he said that he was in shock at how his friends and fans came forward.  They offered to cook and clean for our parents.....they just let him know they were there if he needed them.  The thing about it is......  We both know that our friends would do exactly what they said they would had we asked them.  I think that is why I consider my close friends.....my family.  Because a lot of them are family to me.....  So, I think I am going to close the book on this chapter.  I have vented, I have allowed myself to pour out things that have been weighing on my mind.  I do have to mention that my cousin Vicki......  I've mentioned her before in past blogs....  When she found out I was in the ER with my Ryan, she posted a message on Facebook directed to our family.  She told them that someone needed to get up to the hospital and sit with me.  I let her know I would be okay.  I kind of felt weird about it.  But she did it because she could not stand the thought of me being alone.  She would have been there had she not been a State away.  I am so thankful I have her.....  It didn't take long for other family members to contact me.  So that's it for me folks on this subject.  I will from time to time talk about family things, and friendship things.  But this is kind of like that "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas" .  What Suzanna blogs on, stays  on the blog......  Well maybe......  Unless some editor discovers me, and give me a job....Hahahaha ;-)

Peace!

A little more of that family stuff....

Wow!  As I have said more times than one, I write, I pray, and I click to send.  I go back and read it after whether within hours, days or weeks.  So a little while ago I signed on here and read what I wrote.  Not only was I all over the place, but my spelling and grammer were very poor!  Yikes!!  I just needed to get it out, and trying to type while a big boy with Asperger's Syndrome and a little psycho puppy were all over the sofa around me.  I don't know.....maybe I should have saved it as a draft and went back, and either altered it or deleted it.  Like I said in my follow up this morning.....  I won't apologize for what I wrote, but I could have been a little more clearer.  However, when you are shunned by your extended family because you don't go to the "church" that they all go to, then you kind of realize why you don't go there.  I have heard family members ask for help in paying for weddings, braces, etc.  Maybe not the family member themselves, but other family members who have taken them in as a charity project.  No......I'm not going to start on my rant again.  I am moving past that.  But the church thing is still a bone of contention with me.  I can't go to a family reunion, or any other type of family get together without told I need to come to church.  I even got approached about it by a family member in Walmart one night.  That person couldn't even ask me how Ryan and I are doing........But I could get chastised for not being in church that morning.  I see my relationship with God as being personal.  I pray.....I don't break the law......  I help others when I can.  I am a christian.  I witness to everyone who will listen.  Which brings me to the story I said in my post this morning that I would write about tonight.  Last week I really had hit rock bottom.  I was still dealing with my immediate family's injuries and illnesses.  My job seemed to be going haywire, and I got up one morning thinking........I am having a breakdown.  I saw my life spiraling out of control, and felt totally helpless.  I was sick, but had to work, and take care of my home.  I think I blogged about it.  So in all of this, one of my best friend's cat, who she got not long after she and I met approximately 10 years ago, was very sick.  This friend and her husband have no children, and their cats (they have 2) are their babies.  So, here my girlfriend was dealing with that, and more emotional than I had ever seen her.  She was not sleeping, and we would chat online occasionally.  My heart was crying for her.  I told her that even though I knew she didn't believe in God, I was still going to pray for her cat and her.  She didn't resist, but just shook her head.  I got up that morning when I thought I was having the breakdown, and I prayed, and prayed......  I then did my usual morning post on my Facebook wall, and while it was not my typical inspirational post......I felt I needed to gain strength from those who inspire me everyday.  Comments poured in.  It comforted me so much....  My friends and some of my family rallied around me to pick me up.  Through them and my prayers, God lifted me up.  Then I got a response from one of my aunts.  It really touched me.  I responded back, and she said that during that day God was carrying me.  Making sure I made it.  She said that I would need to now put someone into his arms who needed him to carry them.  I prayed again that night, and again in the morning.  I wasn't quite sure if I was praying right or asking God for the right things, etc.  So late morning......I was in the kitchen at my office.  My girlfriend who works for the other attorney in the same building, and is the mama to that sick cat, came into tell me that all the test results came in on her cat, and he was going to be okay with meds, and a change in his diet.  I smiled, and told my friend that I knew he would be okay.  I said, see........God does answer prayers.  She had tears in her eyes and shook her head yes.  That is what it's all about.  I have been a witness to her for many years, and to see her smile through tears, and shake her head yes showed me that she wants to believe, and she listens to what I am saying.  So I got to thinking about what my aunt said.  I guess this was the person that I put in God's arms to carry.  I told my friend this later that day.  I started to cry as I told her, and she smiled again with tears in her eyes.  So, God does listen to prayers......  He answers them too.  I just think that christianity is not all about going to church.  It's about being a witness, helping others, doing what is right.  It was just a whole different scene when my parents were in the accident.  I was frustrated, hurt and angry.  That is where it all came from......  and it leads into friendships, and how they stepped up to the plate.  I'll write about that soon ;-)

Peace!

Hmmm........

I thought my post yesterday was a little strong.....  It was more of a vent type thing.  I thank God everyday for my family......  They are the best!  There are just times that you wonder what makes people do the things they do, or act the way they do, etc.  When I started this blog......  I knew it would be for me.  I let everyone know to read with caution.  This is my place......  I can say what I want.  If I went into more details.......  I would be writing for years.  I will say this....  I have some family members who are dealing with some very personal things that I am not at liberty to discuss.  That is out of respect to them, and my love for them.  I pray for them everyday as well.  I also want to say that the outpouring of prayers and well wishes for my family did come via Facebook, emails and so on.  I will ellaborate on this tonight.  I will also share a story that involves one of my aunts, and how it touched my life and that of one of my best friends.  So.....  I will not apologize for what I wrote, but I will ask that if you were offended?  Please understand where I am at.

Peace!

Family this and that............

When I am not feeling well or have a lot on my mind, I tend to withdraw from those around me.  Well as much as I can, given there are things you absolutely cannot avoid.  So over the past week I have had some down time when duty wasn't calling to reflect and think about things.  Mainly family, friends, my job.....
My family......yes, I've blogged a little about them.  I love them......  I have been so blessed to have the wonderful family I have.  However, all families have their ups and downs.  Those usually come into play when your family is in crisis.  This one is doing too much, that one is not doing enough....and so on.  You have to understand something about my family.  Besides being big and from the south, sometimes I think we are our own worse enemy.  My parents have always for as long as I can remember helped others.  They took in foster children over the years, and family members as well.  They made sure no child ever did without something.  I even remember when Disney World opened in Orlando when I was 7 years old.  They loaded as many kids as they could in our station wagon, and off we went to see what it was all about.  They loaned money, and never asked for things in return.  My mom has always been the one to care for others.  Staying awake to sit with the sick or in hospitals to allow family members to take a break and get some sleep or take a shower or get something to eat.  So of course you can undertand mine and my older brother's frustration when our parents were in the accident, and family that lived close by did not come to visit, offer to sit with them, or ask if they could make them dinner.  One of my mom's sisters who lives in Georgia called immediately....as did her daughter.  One of my other cousins stayed in touch through text.  All of them lived out of the immediate area.  The one aunt who called immediately has stayed in constant contact with my parents.  God Bless her........  We just found it disheartening that so many people that my parents helped could not step up and help.  Don't get me wrong.  We didn't expect everyone to alter their lives for my parents, but come on people............  See my family will not waste time cramming christianity, and the church down your throat, but it's a lot more than talking the talk.  You have to walk the walk.  This is why I myself avoid organized religion, and quite frankly hypocrites.  Family should never have to be reminded to call their family members on any given day, whether they're is a crisis or not.  It has also been my experience with my family that they don't step up when you really need them, but when there is death or these crisis situations, they will cry their eyeballs out like it's the end of the world.  Okay.....  I am probably offending A LOT of people right about now.  Well, I said from the get go that I would hold nothing back.  If you're skin is a little tender........welcome to my world.  Obviously I have been referring to my extended family.  BUTTTTT.............there is always a "but", this time if poured over into my immediate family.  Namely one brother........  He followed me up to the hospital the day my parents were in the accident.  He came in tow with his estranged wife.......  who he is divorcing, and some of their children.  They stayed for maybe 10 minutes and left.  My brother did not go to my parent's home again.  He didn't call...  I think my other brother spoke to him, but my dad called him, and he NEVER returned his call.  Disturbing??  Why yes it was....  Especially when I see that his oldest son had posted that he was going with his dad to the Roundup to pick up girls.......then to a strip club on his Facebook wall.  Here my son had been in the hospital for 5 days......my parents were home, but needing help.  I would take breaks from the hospital to go see my mom and dad, and my brother was going out to bars and strip clubs..........  I was pissed!  When I talked to my brother I gave him hell.  He proceeded to tell me that he I know...........but I love them.  Oh......and he took time to go out with his soon to be ex-inlaws, get drunk and call me to complain when they stepped on his toes.  I went off on him again.  I had RSVP'd for a flashback party for my high school alumni weeks before my parent's accident, and my Ryan's hospital stay.  I had paid for it, was looking forward to it, and after things happened, had no intentions of going.  But my mom, my older brother, and my son encouraged me to go.  I ended up going......  But felt guilty the whole time.  It just didn't feel right.  Like I had no business being there.  So, I was upset with my brother.  I mean, if you're that busy......at least pick up the phone and call mom and dad.  A phone call will say, I'm checking on you, I love you.........  This past week when I was sick and afraid to go around them because they are already to frail, and I didn't want to give them a flu bug or virus......  I called them everyday.  I always let them know even though I was under the weather, if they needed me I would be there.  Then when I was feeling better, I went down to their house and brought pizza.....my dad love's pizza......  Ryan and I visited with them that evening, and again on Saturday.  I don't know how long I will have them....God has spared them now.  But we never know what our life holds one second from now, much less what the future holds.  My rant on my brother actually got a fire started under his butt.  He called them, and visited with them two nights last week.  My older brother's rant on the some extended family members and church people got the fire started under some of their butts too.......  I will be the first to admit I don't deal with hospitals and death well at all.  I am open and honest about it.  I don't feed into all the drama.......  I will always offer my assistance, I will be there if I am asked, but in the middle of too many chiefs is not where I belong.  However, when it comes to my parents.....  I will be there all I can.  Not to overlook the rest of the my siblings....  My older sister and brother inlaw, and my oldest brother have been busy taking care of things for my parents in Georgia......  They have property there that have to be taken care of, and they doing more than their part.  My other younger brother does call and visit.  I think things will now change for the other younger brother too now.  I thanked him and told him I was proud of him for making the time.  Of course my other older brother who has been here for not only mom and dad, but Ryan and me too has been our rock.  Yes.......  it's a family thing, and I love 'em.  Stay tuned for my thoughts on friends.........

Peace!

All of a sudden I am beginning to feel like that person who says, "you wouldn't believe what happened to me on my way to the store", or the kid who says, "you wouldn' t believe that the dog just ate my homework".  No kidding.....  First it was my parent's accident, then my Ryan in the hospital, the week from hell at work.....  So I was counting on this week being back on track, but that would be way too easy, right?  Exactly!!  If you've read my past blogs, you know my life is not that easy.......  So now I'm not feeling so good......  This started on Monday night.  I'm not sure if it is stress from everything I've had to deal with lately, or if I am really sick.  All I know is, I feel like crap!  I just want to climb in bed and stay there curled up in a little ball.  I was headed for that mode, but duty calls.......  I have to go to work...  I have to be mom to Ryan....  Have to be a good daughter to my parents.  There seems to be this pattern here.  I am so busy taking care of everybody else, but there is no one taking care of me.  I am guessing this not feeling good is just plain exhaustion, a low immune system, and BINGO........I'm sick!  This too shall pass I guess.  I'm just ready to get back to the normal I consider my life to be.  Have I whined enough?  I know.......I'm the person who always has the positive things to say, and I'm still in here somewhere.  I'll be back good as new soon.  I have some good things to talk about when I can sit here long enough to write about them.  So keep an eye out for me....  Thanks for following :-)

Peace!

Here and there and everywhere.........

Yikes!!  I'm having writer's block.  I have all these thoughts dancing around in my head, but can't organize them........hmmm.........not good :-/  I think I am physically and emotionally drained.  I need to come home from work, lock myself in my room, and put my thoughts in writing......  One thought at a time.  Maybe tomorrow evening will be that time.  Oh wait........it will actually be this evening if I can't convince one very special person to have dinner with me for their birthday.......  That sounds like a prelude to my next blog ;-)  We'll just have to wait and see.......

Peace! 

I started a post, and it was not flowing.......  I knew what I wanted to say, but not how to write it.  So I am going to rethink that one.  I will go to bed, and pick up blogging tomorrow.......  I will be back........lol

Girlie days...........

Wow!!!  I woke up this morning to a beautiful morning here is "sunny" but cool Florida!!  It's been a busy weekend so far.  I am going into my office for a few hours this morning.  I missed a total of 3 full days of work in the past 2 weeks, not to mention a couple of leaving early days.  This is out of the norm for me, other than when my Ryan has his doctor's appointments.  I usually schedule his appointments in time frames that they do no interfere with my work.  Sometimes life gets in the way, like now.  I will go in and do some work, then later tonight work some from home.  I am taking a break today.  One of my little nieces recently had a birthday.  I couldn't make her birthday party because of prior commitments, and I told her that I would take a day to spend time with her........  We could go to the mall, have lunch, and all that girl stuff.  Then boom and boom!  God had a different plan for me.....  So today, I will have a girlie day with one of my favorite little people.  She will walk me from one end of the mall to the other, and back again!!  LOL!!  I guess I am getting paid back from that one time I had babysat, and saved my money for a pair of "earth" shoes.....  I asked my dad to take me to the mall, and assured him that I knew exactly what I was getting (store, had already tried on the shoes, etc.).  Well........  I went to the store, tried on the shoes, didn't buy them yet, and drug my dad from one end of the mall to the other before buying those shoes!  My poor dad.........LOL!!!  He still tells everybody that story!  So I guess I am getting my payback now........  It's okay though.  Those memories that I've mentioned a couple times?  Well I have those with my dad, and now my little person will have them with me......  I love it!!  I'll take another break tonight, and write some more.  I forgot to remind you....I get off track sometimes.  I write from my heart, and what's on my mind.  Have an awesome day!
Peace!

Making a difference.......

I've been asked many times how I do it.  How I can be so positive, and strong when it seems everything is falling apart around me.  I told a very dear friend recently that, I kick and scream a lot......I cry and throw things sometimes......  But most of all I pray a lot!  I put my faith in God, and know that he is never going to fail me.  Then this morning I received a phone call from one of my best friends.  She and I met almost 20 years ago in college.  I had just wrapped up my last divorce, and she was in the middle of her divorce.  She and I were back in college rehabilitating ourselves so that we could get good jobs and take care of our children.  I had my Ryan, and she had two daughters; one a little older that Ryan and one a little younger.  Over the years we have leaned on each other in dealing with parenting/children issues, boyfriend issues, and job issues.  I had not heard from her for a couple of weeks, and had spoken with her daughter last week, and found out she was in her native country-Italy.  She had recently lost a sister who had been sick for some time, and she had been upset that she had not got to go back home to see her before she passed away.  Then apparently she got a call that another one of her sisters got sick, and she and her sister who lives here went back home.  This morning she told me this sister had passed away as well.  She had lost 2 sisters within 21 days of each other.  As I listened to her talk, I thought this woman is strong too.  She has been single for almost as long as I have, and raised two wonderful daughters, and now is helping raise her grandson.  She has had ups and downs and struggled with her job, and she still has a positive attitude.  My heart still goes out to her.

So after talking for a little while, and hanging up the phone, I thought......... I am very blessed.......  My parent's accident could have been worse, but it wasn't.  I still have them with me.  I weathered a storm with my Ryan, and it could have been a lot worse too, but it wasn't.  I have amazing friends and family.  I have had my moments over the past couple of weeks......  I have sat on the floor in the middle of my hallway, and sobbed until I thought I could not shed another tear.  To the point of exhaustion.  Life is so precious, and more time than not we take it for granted.  I try to surround myself with positive people.  Happy, upbeat people who keep me that way. 

I do think I am a strong and positive woman.  I try to inspire because you never know when you're going to touch that one person's life, and make a difference.  I know that I have hit some real low's.  I have done things I am not proud of, but I can't go back and change things.  I don't even know if I would want to change them.  The choices I have made, and the experiences I have gone through have molded me into the woman I am today.  I will forever look for the good in something bad.  I believe everything happens for a reason.  And, on any given day what we are experiencing is just a prelude to what lies ahead for us.  When I look back over my life, I can think of people who have said something or done something to me or for me that made a lasting impression.  I want to be that person to leave good impressions on people, so that when they look back they can say, I remember her and what she said, and how much it helped me.  I encourage people to do what is right.  Take the high road when you have to, but also stand for what you believe in.  Make a difference.

Peace!

Exhaustion becomes me.........

I wanted to really blog some more today.  I feel so free when I write.  My Ryan who had been in the hospital since Friday evening got released today.  Between him being sick and my parent's accident, I am now feeling the toll apparently it is taking on me and my body....  I fell asleep after Ryan and I got home today.  I woke up disoriented, couldn't remember where I was at for a minute or two, and had no sense of day/time........  Once I woke up a little more, I realized that it was okay.......... So my body is definitely telling me something.  I am going to sleep now, but I will sit down within the next day or so, and continue to blog my story......  So stick with me ;-) 

Peace!

Mommy Genes and Mommy Contracts, oh my........

I guess it is assumed that just because you are female you automatically have the "mommy" gene.  Well, I don't think I was born with the "mommy" gene, or it just stayed tucked away until reality slapped me in the face.  When I was a little girl, I had a playhouse which was the real deal.  I had all the new baby dolls.  That was back in the "Baby Tenderlove" era.  I had everyone of those dolls.  I had the "Little Susie Homemaker" oven.  Kind of like the "Easybake" oven.  Sounds like I was on my way to being the ultimate domestic goddess and the ultimate soccer mom, right?  Ummmm...........NOPE!  My playhouse is where I got caught playing doctor with the preacher's son who lived next door.  The baby dolls were left with a babysitter, my cousin Vicki, since she did have that "mommy" gene from the time she was born I am sure!  And the "Little Susie Homemaker" oven?  Well, I caught it on fire, and burned the end of the electrical cord off.  So I had these big aspirations of graduating from high school, going off to college, then law school, and having that big cushy job in the highrise building in the middle of a big city somewhere.  Yeah, well............  That didn't happen either.

If you have been following my blog, you know by now the circumstances surrounding all of my pregnancies, but most of all the one where I had my son Ryan.  You hear me mention Ryan a lot.  I did not ever think that one horrible night would create the most amazing human that it did.  When I learned that I was pregnant, I was not happy.  You see women all the time who plan these elaborate ways to tell their husbands they are pregnant.  That was clearly not the case with me.  I can say now, that at the age of 21 when I gave birth, I was not ready to be a mom.  I wasn't sure if I would ever be ready.  I am thankful that I had Rich in my life.  He picked up the pieces to my broken life, and always had faith in me.  Somehow he knew that I would come around.  Today, I am PROUD to say I did.  I am so honored to be Ryan's mom.

I had made up my mind that I would the cool young mom.  I wasn't going to be like my parents were....  LOL!!  Like I think we've all said that, then end up parenting very similar.  But when Ryan was little, and went through the phase of "why?" he truly tried my patience.  Everything I said to him, I got back "why?".  Instead of saying, because I said so, I came up with the "MOMMY CONTRACT".  So everytime he asked why?, I said it was in my "Mommy Contract".  As he got older, he challenged me on it.  He would say he didn't believe there was anything like that, and when he asked other mothers about it, I would hold my breath, and pray.....Lord, please don't let them fail me.  Thank God, everyone Ryan asked went along with it.  Even Rich did.  So, I think Ryan actually came to believe there might be one.  I think I even convinced myself that this "Mommy Contract" was real.  I told Ryan that every mommy was given this contract before we could leave the hospital with our babies.  I told him it covered everything........every situation imaginable.  He asked me one time if the contract could be broken, or could I return him...LOL!!!  I told him that the hospital was very strict on new mommies when they went over the contract.  It just wasn't possible to change anything.  I'll never forget the day I overheard him telling someone about the "Mommy Contract" and how he never got to see it, but he knew that I had one.  I think that was all a part of my creative parenting.  I probably don't do the conventional parenting, and thinking outside of the box has probably helped me in the long run.  Ryan was always a unique child.  He talked at an early age, he potty trained very early, and those teething nightmares you hear about........we didn't have those.  But Ryan was different.  I could never put my finger on it, but he was.  It wasn't until about 3 years ago when he was officially diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome that it finally all made sense.  I will devote a more detailed blog to my Ryan soon.  So, for someone who never thought she had the "mommy gene" is doing one hell of a job being Ryan's mom.  Everyday is a challenge, but the unconditional love that you receive is so rewarding.  It doesn't matter what circumstances surrounded his conception and birth.  I am so blessed to have him, and to be a part of his life.  I guess being a mommy is not so bad ;-)

Peace!

Stuff........

I usually like to take time to reflect, and write from my heart.  I never plan what I will write about.  I just write.  However, recently a lot has been going on and let's just say the merry-go-round is spinning way too fast, and I can't keep up.  I kept thinking the right time will eventually hit when I write about motherhood, and what it is all about with me.  I also know when I write about that, and my precious son Ryan, that I have to be in the right place.  My Ryan is in the hospital (day 4), and duty calls.  Please stay tuned!

Peace!

In the blink of an eye...

I received a call on Sunday afternoon from one of my older brothers....  Our parents had been in an automobile accident.  They were coming back home to Florida from Georgia when a vehicle made an illegal turn in front of them.  Our parents were being taken by ambulance to a hospital an hour and a half from where I live.  After a moment of panic and distress, I pulled myself together, and started my journey to go to my parents.  My dad had told my brother that he was okay, but he wasn't so sure about mom, who was having chest pains.  I wasn't really sure what I might find when I got there.  As I was driving, I was praying....crying......scared.  I ran into the ER asking where I could find my parents.  A girl working there walked me back to the room where my parents were.  Well at least my dad was there.  He looked very fragile.  His clothes were covered with blood, and his hands and arms were bandaged.  They were badly bruised as well.  I hugged him, and asked about my mom.  He told me that she was still undergoing tests.  When they returned her to the room, she was laying on one of those boards you see when someone is in a bad accident, with the head strap to keep the victim still........No moving in the event there was a neck or back injury.  She was clearly distraught and in pain.  After the tests came back, the ER doctor decided to keep my mom.  Over the rest of Sunday and all day Monday.....I watched my parents....  (If you have been following my blog, you know I recently blogged about my parents celebrating their 59th anniversary) and even though I know my dad didn't feel good himself, him sole existence during this time was to make sure my mom was going to be okay.  He was constantly taking care of her.  He would rub her hair back, he would make sure she was covered up, he would get her water, and a cold cloth to lay on her head.  He never rested.  I looked over one time and noticed that my brother was watching like I was.  He caught me looking over at him, and when our eyes met, I knew he was thinking the same thing I was.  How fortunate we are to have this amazing man and woman in our lives, and even more proud to call them mom and dad.  Although I would never want to experience something like this again, that day and a half spent with my parents and brother was a time I will cherish in my heart for the rest of my life.  Making memories......  That is what it is all about.  Being thankful for the blessings in your life.  Sharing all of it.  I am so thankful that things did not turn out worse with my parents.  God listened to my prayers and many other's prayers.  AND he answered them.  My parents are now safely back in their house.  My brother is staying with them to take care of them.  I will be there with them as much as I can as well.  I noticed when I went down to their house tonight that my dad hugged me and held on for dear life.  He told me he loved me and thanked me for being there for them, and helping them.  He still looks fragile, and my mom who was in bed looks so frail.  I am so in awe of my parents.  They are the epitome of the classic love story.  I am so happy and thankful to still have my parents.  It's been a rough couple of days, but life is good!!  I say this a lot on my Facebook wall.  Remember to never pass up a chance to tell those you love just how much they mean to you.  Because in the blink of an eye you could lose it all.

Peace! 

I love you.....

I look in your mind....I see my thoughts.  I look in your eyes....I see forever.  I look in your heart....I see my heart.  I look in your soul....  I see me.  Love is blind.  It has no boundaries.  We should not fear love.  We should embrace it.  The beauty of love is that it comes from within.  Deep in the heart and soul.  We don't pick and choose who we fall in love with.  It happens......  And when it does, it's the best feeling.  You want to share what you are feeling with everyone.  Tell people about it.  It's not something analytical.  We shouldn't pick it apart.  We shouldn't doubt the feeling.  Just accept it.  Like tilting your face to the sky when it is raining......The water just washes over your face.  Standing outside when the wind is blowing.  You can't help but feel the cleansing.  When it is on the tip of your tongue, just say it....I love you.

Pulling out of darkness.....I need some light!

I'm back....  After what feels like a long descent into darkness.  I have gone to sleep, but not slept.  I have smiled, but my heart has been all but happy.  I have laughed, but it is hollow in my ears.  I go over my life in my mind.  I try to figure out why this keeps happening to me.  All the while I know, what is happening is in my cards.  It's all a part of God's plan for me.  This is the one place, my blog, where I can be me.  I don't have to put on a smile.  I don't have to laugh if I don't want to.  I can be real.  I'm not saying that I am a victim, or negative, but I believe that in my life it's okay to feel blue, sad, down.......  After all it is supposed to be okay to feel and show every emotion.  If we are told not to express our emotions, then there is a problem.  It is natural to laugh, be angry, surprised, axious, and it's okay to cry.  I don't think God intends for us to be happy all the time.  Because if everyone was happy all the time we would live in a perfect world.  By expressing our emotions it allows us to grow.  Learn from our mistakes, our fears, and our pain.  Eventually we will conquer the mountains, and proceed through this journey called life.  Out of the darkness and into the light.  It's like a viscious cylce.  Lights on, lights off.  So from here I will start writing again.  Letting my creative juices flow....  If I sound quirky or different, it will be coming from my heart......  As always.  I write, I pray, I click.  I go back and read my posts after the fact.  It's the way to go.....  I am back!  Peace!

That's what I'm talking about.......

I haven't been here in a while, but I couldn't think of a better way to return than to dedicate this post to the most amazing couple on this earth.  Today......my mom and dad will celebrate their 59th wedding anniversary. 

My parents were both from poor southern families, my mom from Georgia and my dad from Florida.  My grandpa and grandma moved their family to Florida, and this is where my mom and dad's paths crossed.  My mom's family lived in a little wood framed house provided by the man who owned the farm my grandpa worked on.  My dad worked in the orange groves picking fruit.  Everyday the truck that took my dad into the groves would pass by my mom's house.  She used to run out on the front porch to watch and wave as my dad went by.  He was 17 and she was 15.  My mom told me that my grandma told her one day that he was older and probably married with 6 children.  When my mom told me that story I thought how ironic.  They got married and had 6 children.  Yes, my parents married when he was just 17 and she was just 15.  They became parents at 18 and 16.  Today, 59 years later and 6 children they are still going strong.  By today's standards that is rare.....

I believe the foundation of their marriage was built on the family values that they were raised with, lots of love and God.  They started out in a little one room building with a bathroom.  Then built a small home out in front of that little building.  Then they added onto that, and along came the pool.  That little building they started out in became my dad's office.  He was no longer working in the citrus groves, but was a drywall contractor.  He went through the ups and downs of with the rest of the country.  I thought because we lived in a big beautiful home with a pool that we were rich.  What I didn't realize then was that my dad worked very very hard to give us the big home with all the extras.  I could not even imagine what he and my mom went through, raising 6 children.  The clothes, food, doctor's visits, but somehow they got by.  I only ever seen my parents argue one time when I was younger.  I was in high school.  I rember that my parents had placed our house up for sale.  The Realtors would bring people in all the time with no warning.  One day this happened, and my mom was not ready for it.  We had these salt and pepper shakers on the table.  One was red and the other was yellow.  My mom and dad were having a discussion over the Realtors while my mom was clearing the table.  Something was said, and my put down the shakers with the red one sliding too far.  It shattered, and that was the end of it.  My dad let the Realtor know that they could only come by appointment only or within a certain time frame.  Things calmed back down after that.  Not without me first going through the whole thing of I think my parents are getting a divorce.  I saw the yellow shaker that my mom still has.  Everytime I look at it I have to laugh.  My dad worked a lot, but we always sat down for dinner together as a family, and we always went to church together.

More recently, I am seeing as my parents get older that their love is more evident.  When either one of them are sick or have been hospitalized the other one is right there.  They seem like that would be lost without each other.  They are still very affectionate with one another.  They hug and kiss, and there is no loss on the "I love you's".  Love just doesn't happen like that anymore.  For whatever reasons people just don't look at love and realationships today.  But I am so proud of my mom and dad.......  I love them dearly.......

Happy Anniversary mom and Dad!!!  You guys have set the bar for many.  I love you guys.......  Thank you for being there for us kids.....  I look forward to many mroe holidays with you........

Going home.........

I am really having a lot of those days recently where I feel like everything is spiraling out of control, and I can't get it back.  I go back to this time 3 years ago.  I was dating here and there, but nothing really worth anything.  My Aunt Dot was dying.  It had been 2 years since she had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  God spared her life, and gave us those 2 years to prepare ourselves for her death.  It still wasn't enough time......  I think of how many times she came to my rescue, and how many times that she was there if I needed to talk.  I couldn't bring myself to go see during her in final time.  I don't deal with death well at all.  I couldn't bare to see her like that.  I sent her a card.  She got the card and I know she got it, and I know that she understood.  It was right after her death that my Ryan had an emotional breakdown.  He had stayed with his dad in Georgia after Aunt Dot's funeral.  He told his dad that he was taking his medicine and he wasn't.  Not even 24 hours after he came home, he attempted suicide.  He didn't scream or say "I'm going to kill myself".  He caught me off guard.  I didn't know I even had it in me to find the words to talk him into not harming himself, but when it's your child standing in front of you with a knife at his throat, and his mouth full of pills, you have to do something.  I was able to keep him from taking his life, but he took off.  I combed the streets crying, on the phone with one of my best friends, knowing I would have to do what I didn't want to do.  I finally found him, and couldn't reason with him, so I called 911.  They sent a deputy who after speaking to both of us had Ryan admitted into the hospital for evaluation.  We weathered that storm, and 3 years later every day is still a battle, but we make it.  Then I met the ex beau.  I didn't count on meeting someone who would impact my life like he did.  I lost my job of 12 years a few months after meeting him, and it took me almost 7 months to find work.  I finally get back on track, and it was too late.  I was outside of that 1 year time frame that he said he thought we had a chance.  I met him coming out of family tragedies, fall in love, then out of work.  It just wasn't a good first impression I guess.  I am that girl in the song "The House That Built Me".  It's like I've gotten so caught up in what I am supposed to be or expected to be, and caught up in this crazy world, that I need to get back to that place where I started from.  I don't want to run back and change my past.  It's what has made me who I am today.  But, when I'm feeling really down, I take a little drive down the road and turn down Columbia Avenue.  I drive slowly by my childhood home.  It doesn't look like it did when we lived there.  I often think about going up to the door, knocking, and asking if I can come in just for a minute.  I want to run up the spiral staircase to my old bedroom.  The "gold" room as it was called.  When my parents added onto our house to make room for our expanding family, the 2 upstairs bedrooms were called the "gold" room and the "blue" room.  My sister had the "gold" room and my 2 older brothers had the "blue" room.  As they started moving on, I finally got the "gold" room.  It was so big, and it's where I lived out my teen years.  A lot of girl talk happened in that room.  A lot of dreaming.......  I just want to go and sit in that room.  Not to change things, but to remember how simple life was.  Wishing that I had that love that my parents still share to this day.  I have been reconnecting with a lot of my childhood friends recently.  It has been so great!  It's like we've never been apart.  It makes me feel like that teenager again.  Silly I know, but it's a good place to be these days.  Not that spiraling out of control place that I seem to be stuck in.  I just really want to slide through September and past October 3rd, and maybe I will finally be able to really let go of these demons I am battling.  Who knows, maybe I will get the nerve to go up to my old front door, and ask if I can come inside just for a minute.

Peace!

Believe........

I have always tried to keep a positive attitude, even when things are not going well.  Sometimes it is very hard.  I always try to take negatives and turn them into a positive.  I always try to find the good in something bad.  I find myself saying; everything happens for a reason; when one door closes, another door opens; and this all a part of God's bigger plan for me.  I remember recently, my Ryan called me while I was still at work.  Our puppy, Lucky, had chewed up the cord on his Nintendo DS charger.  Knowing that something even as simple at this could trigger Ryan into a meltdown, I listened to him, and let him know that it was okay, and we could get a new one.  I told him I would call the Gamestop in between my office and our house.  He calmed down, and I knew things would be okay.  I called them, and they said they had new ones for $10.  I was thanking God that it was only $10.  I got out of the office a little later, and took a different route to get to get to the store to pick up Ryan's new game charger.  I was driving along when my phone rang.  It was one of my best friends who also works in the same offices that I do.  She said she wanted to make sure I was okay, because she had just heard on the radio there had been an accident at one of the intersections on the route home I usually take home.  I let her know that I had taken a different way because I had to run an errand for Ryan.  She said, oh I forgot about that.  We both said that if Lucky had not chewed up Ryan's game charger, I would have been at that intersection at the around the time the accident happened, and I could have very well been me.  So we deemed that the day that Lucky saved my life.  I wasn't always like this.  I used to talk about the little black cloud that rested comfortably over my head.  How bad luck could find me whenever or wherever.  I think things started changing for me when my Ryan was very ill a few years ago.  I felt like I could take no more.  I had always been told that God will never give you more than you can handle.  I renewed my relationship with God at that time.  I remember that  night when I was driving home from the hospital, and the Carrie Underwood song, "Jesus Take the Wheel" came on the radio.  I broke down crying, and started praying.  It is amazing how my whole outlook changed.

One of my best girlfriends in high school, Karen (yes, she told me I could use her name), and I had been trying to talk for a couple of weeks.  We had been texting and playing telephone tag.  I just had this feeling that she was going through something, and I think she was getting that from me too.  Finally we hooked on through instant messaging on Facebook on Friday night, and made plans to talk on the phone the next morning.  Finally........  We got to talk.  She and I both are feeling the affects of many different things going on in our lives at this time.  We had joked the night before about having a "Thelma & Louise" moment, Tim McGraw, and Bruce Willis.  If you knew us back in high school, you would understand ;-)  Karen and another one of our friends from our school days joke about how they corrupted me.  These days both Karen and I are Christians.  We can talk about anything from those days when we first met the summer between 10th and 11th grade to the present.  We talk about our faith in God.  Karen said to me while we were talking, that she wished she could take the negatives and turn them into positives like I do.  I explained to her that while I am always trying to be positive, sometimes deep down I am just not feeling it.  While she and I were talking, it hit me that the things were talking about were inspiring me.  That she was an inspriration to me.  Karen had gone through similar things like I had in her past, and most recently she lost both her parents 63 days apart.  Something that I could never imagine.  She always has a smile on her face, and always has something positive to say.  I told her that I was going to blog on the whole positive thinking thing, and let her know she was my inspiration.  Karen and her husband have a boat.  It is named "Believe".  She told me when they first docked their boat at the marina where it is housed, that the people around thought that Karent and her husband were "Bible Thumpers" and they were going to cram religion down their throat.  She said that they laugh now about it.  She said that her and her husband of course believe in God, but believe could mean anything....  I said, yes, "Believe" to me is God, hopes, dreams, possibilities, and many other things.  We both agreed that we would be lost if we could not have our dreams.  Later that afternoon, my Ryan and I ran up to the store to pick up a few things.  When we got out of the car and I turned around there was a perfect rainbow.  You could see the beginning and the end.  You never see that.  At least I can't remember if I ever had seen one, or when it was.  A friend told me years ago that rainbows represent dreams and inspirations.  I thought how appropriate that it was there before my eyes.  Especially after the conversation Karen and I had just had.  I took pictures.  It took me three pictures to get the whole rainbow.  I took it as a sign that there is hope.  Dreams do come true.  You just have to "Believe".