A DOUBLE dose of WTF..............

Okay.....I am hoping I don't offend the virgin ears, but I never said this was going to be pretty!!!  So What the F*&%# x 2???!!!!

First of all my interview went great........  I think I have a shot at this one, but don't want it.  It was an hour and a half drive for me, and a lot less money, and not benefits.  I could take a job right near my house for a lot less money, and be close to home to save on gas, and wear and tear on my car.  Gosh.........  I hate being unemployed.

Second........  Okay........  Maybe I was a little premature on the love thing.  Yes, I love him.  But he has totally blown me off again.  I feel like calling him up and asking if "she" is worth losing the best thing that ever happened to you?  I swear.  I don't think it's another woman.  I just think he is going through some things, and he is allowing his fear to keep him from sharing.  I wish I truly knew the male psyche.....   Better yet.......I would like someone to explain how you can have everything in a relationship, and it still cannot work out......  Well when one of you agrees with you, but still says it can't work.  He hasn't said it this time.  I keep waiting for the fallout, but it hasn't happened yet.  Something is definitely going on........WTF???!!!

Okay.......  Enough is enough I guess........  Goodnight all...  I will be back ;-)

Peace!

Job interview.......

Why is it that I always feel like I am walking the plank with Caption Hook fast on my heels when I go into a job interview??  Personally, I think I suck at interviewing.  However, one head hunter I met with said I do a great interview.  So why do I have all this anxiety?  I have found that each interview is different, even though I am apply for basically they same types of positions.  I have met with office managers, human resource managers, attorneys, both partners and associate ones.  I have inteviewed individually with them, and all clumped together (like being in front of a firing squad).  All I want to do is get a job, doing what I do.  I have reservations as to working for a woman.  Yes, I know.........I'm a woman.  But we are bitches to work for.  I figure men are more laid back.  At least in the legal field.  But when I have interviewed with male attorneys, they have their right hand female sitting by their side staring me down.  Ugh..........  Did I say, I just want a job, doing what I do.  That, or a publisher who will help me do what I really want to do....which is what I am doing now.  Telling my story ;-)  Wish me luck!!

Peace!

Love Part 2?

Okay.......  I think I am ready to admit that I am totally in love.....  Nothing like I've ever felt before.  Nope.......it's no one new.  I thought I was doing pretty good with this, but not a chance.  I have tried to meet new men.  I have tried to be interested in other men, but I'm a hopeless cause.  I keep waiting for this to run it's course.  I mean it usually does for me.  By just about right now.  However, this doesn't feel like it will ever go away.  He and I have talked about this some over the past month.  We had stopped seeing each other.  Well kind of.  We were still seeing each other, just not frequently.  That changed recently.  Things go so well.......He is listening to me more.  He is being extremely supportive.  Not very critical.  All signs that something is changing for him?  You would think so, but he is still holding back.  He asks me about my needs/wants in a relationship, but he is not expressing his.  I think he has a commitment phobia, or intimacy issues.  We are great together.  I see it.  Others see it.  Why doesn't he??  I feel certain too, that if this ends once and for all, I will have that broken heart that cannot be repaired.  Sounds like a mess, huh?  It is.......  I love this man.  I have tried to tell him, but I don't think he trusts what I am saying.  I never thought I would get to the point of being ready to take the next step ever again, but I am.  He holds my heart.  I am still holding out for that miracle...........  That and true love ;-)

Peace!

Shooting Stars and Miracles

After much thought, I have decided that a miracle is going to happen this Christmas.  I mean, I know miracles have already happened, but I'm thinking along the romantic sense ;-)  Did I ever mention in any of my blogs that I'm a hopeless romantic?  Like "Sleepless in Seatle" kind of romantic?  I love the idea of love....  AND........  I'm a dreamer!  My mom thought for sure I would grow up and be an eccentric "soap opera" actress......  I guess my imagination as a child was just a tad bit over the top :-/  But I truly believe that with all the chaos that has happened over the past few months, that I'm due for a miracle.  So I was at my friend's house (yes that one who brought up needs v wants) a few nights ago.  When I was on my way home I saw a shooting star!  I wished on it, because I think that is what you're supposed to do?  So this friend and I have been talking a lot....  We've be kind of just taking things one day at a time.  Going with the flow......  I pray that he is a part of that miracle that is going to happen........ 

Peace!

I believe in miracles ;-)

So here we are just a little over a week before Christmas.  I have put up my Christmas Tree, and all that good stuff, but I can't quite get into the spirit of things.  I thought it was helping, but I have started taking a nose dive fast again.  I guess it wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that I am about to go into week 3 of unemployment.  I search everyday endlessly.......Ugh.......  Send my resume out, and have had a couple of interviews, and a couple of telephone screenings for jobs, but nothing :-(  I had a meltdown earlier this week.  I'm not real proud of that....  I let a lot of anger and frustrations out, but not in a postitive way.  I kicked, screamed, threw things, and then went into my bedroom, and threw myself across my bed, and cried and cried!!  I felt a lot better after, but I had a huge mess to clean up, and a huge bruise on my ankle, and a sore wrist and arm.  That miracle that I wished for a few blogs ago?  Well now would be a great time for it to happen.  I would like to be that person that great things happen to, but not at someone else's expense.  Like hitting the lotto jackpot, or something like that.  I guess I would just take a job at this point.  My friends encourage me to believe.......  I'm really trying to.  Miracles, right??

Peace!

Needs v Wants = ??

I have been pondering something that I was asked recently....  I was asked to think about what I really wanted out of a relationship or marriage....as in needs v wants.....  Obviously I had not put a lot of thought into my prior marriages.  I was young, and very much the free spirit.  I usually didn't put a lot of thought into anything back then.  But here I am 23+ after my third marriage took place, and I am thinking, yes, someday I would like to take that step again, but I want to be sure it will make it.  I mean I know there are no guarantees that a marriage will survive after you say those magical words "I do".  So this person who asked me this is of the opposite sex, and who has been a big part of my life.  So needs v wants, huh?  So after putting a little thought into that I headed for "Google" which is now my new best friend ;-)  I put in what is love....  of course it gives the noun and the verb definitions.  I took the first thing...  "an intense feeling of deep affection".  Then I googled what is need....  "require something because it is essential or very important".  Finally, I googled what is want...  "have a desire to possess or do something; wish for".  Okay......  You're probably wondering why I googled "love", right?  Well, if I was going to try to figure out my needs v wants with regard to a relationship and/or marriage I figured love had to play in there somewhere.....  So let's look at need first...  If we require something because it is essential or very important, or in layman's terms, you have to have something in order to survive, can that really apply to a relationship or marriage?  I really don't think so.  I mean maybe on a couple of things, but I know that I am not going to die if I don't have a "relationship" or "marriage".  I am not going to die if I don't have "sex".  Do you see where I am going with this?  I have been divorced for almost 19 years.  I am still living, I am still thriving for the most part, and while I would like to some day, marriage is not a priority in my life right now.  Let's move on to want....  have a desire to possess or do something; wish for....  Hmmm.......  Now that I can see applying to a "relationship" or "marriage".  I would want certain things out of my marriage and the man I marry.  I guess maybe I would require certain things as well.  So maybe needs to play into it.  A deep sense of affection.......LOVE.......  Ahhhh.......yes :-)  If I were looking to marry someone for strictly companionship, say.......just for a warm body, then I might be thinking about wants, as opposed to needs.  Are you confused yet?  Because when I tried to explain this to "him", he told me to get to the point, that I was rambling on about needs and wants.  So, I took it upon myself to start listing via instant message what I wanted out of and from the man I was considering a long term commitment with.  Let's just put it this way......  He has been very quiet ever since.  Let's face it...  My track record is not so good when it comes to picking husbands.  At least 1 and 3.  I tend to get into disastrous relationships as well.  But at this time of my life I have had plenty of time to think about this.  In my 19 years since my last divorce, I have thought a lot about what I want in a marriage.  Notice I said "want"?  Obviously I don't want someone who is going to use me as their punching bag, or to be criticized over every single thing I do.  I want him to be secure both financially and emotionally.  Someone from a similar background that I am.  I could go on and on, which is what I did with him.  But I also know my heart is going to play into it.  First and foremost I want there to be love.....  I want to love and be loved.  So is one really better than the other in this need v want delima??

Peace!

Lost in translation?

I honestly do not know what I am doing these days.....  I have gotten so far away from myself.  My normal upbeat, inspired self is lost somewhere in translation.  I remember when I was first pregnant with my son, but only Rich knew I was, and my sister suspected.  I was at this little carnival in the mall parking lot of the small Georgia town where I lived.  My sister's youngest daughter had just turned 3, and loved the Merry Go Round.  So I stood on the thing with her, and we rode, and the guy stopped taking tickets from us because he thought it was fascinating how much my little niece loved that ride.  I was sure at some point I might get sick.  Something I would have no control over because, I was obivously going to be that woman who could not do much of anything during pregnancy that I didn't puke my insides out.  So once again I am here, feeling like I am going in circles.......too fast, and I am going to puke.  I keep thinking I have a good grip on things, but I don't.  I think I need someone to shake me a little bit, and make me pull it together.  I had that interview.  I actually felt good about it.  Now.....I'm not so sure.  I have not had a lot of quiet time lately.  I have so much to write, and can't seem to get my rythm back.  So I am going to try to sit down and write tomorrow.  I have something that I need to get out, and hopefully receive some response to.  So, don't write me off yet.......  I'm coming back ;-)

Peace!