A year later......

I haven't been here in almost a year.  The one place that I can write and be me, and it's the one place I have avoided, neglected, and blocked out.  I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the past year.  Things I haven't even shared with my best friends or family.  It's been about me, Suzanna, finding me.

As a child I was shy....  I think I finally broke out of the box when I was in 10th grade in high school.  Now days I am thought to be more outspoken.  In all reality, I do get passionate about things, but I also take a lot of things to heart.  And, it's my heart that usually gets me into trouble.  It's hard for me to say no to someone, but I don't have the heart not to.  Even when that person is not there for me.  It comes from that old saying of, "I am here for you if you need me."  Then when I am faced with big obstacles and those people that I am there for don't step up to the plate, then I am disheartened.

I am the believer, the inspiration, and I try to take a positive attitude with everything I go through.  I am the mother of an adult son with Asperger's Syndrome, among other mental and physical disabilities.  He is my hero and my inspiration.  I have grown so much as a person because of him.  However, there are times that I am so caught up in being his mom, that I don't take care of me.  I don't allow myself to heal when I am sick, or take time for me when I need a break.  So now I am trying to change that.  I won't stop being his mom, but I will be a stronger mom to take care of his needs, because I am taking care of me.

As I have stated before, writing is my passion.  I am most happy when I am writing.  My laptop crashed almost a month ago.  I am writing from my very old desktop.  I am in the process of getting the laptop fixed, with the help of a wonderful friend.  If it can't be fixed, then I will pray hard that I will be blessed with the means of getting a new one.  I plan to start back writing on a regular basis, and maybe get that book started that I've been talking about forever.

I see from my stats that there are still a lot of you checking out my page.  Even though there has been nothing new.  I want to say thank you!  I will try to give you more to read.  Peace!

Wouldn't you know......

When I wrote my Mother's Day blog the other night I was nodding out, and wrote quickly.  I went back and read it, and Lord have mercy......I had so many errors......that one I should have proof read! 

So......my firm that laid me off back in March has hired me back!  Imagine that! It started as me coming back on a temp basis last week, and after my first day the were offering a permanent position again!  I am kind of excited.  I like the people I work with there.  And, the past two jobs before this one I was out of work for 7 months each.  I couldn't afford that again.  My life will be total craziness again.  Working in family law does that to you.  Especially on a full-moon!  But I'm up for the challenge.......

I am lovin' life!

Peace!

Another Happy Mother's Day.......Enjoy!

I think I've mentioned it in past blogs, but when I blog it comes from my heart.  That is probably why it is so up and down and all around.  I don't proof read, but say a prayer, click publish, and there it is.  This blog was meant to be a tribute to my mother.  I feel so blessed to have her......while so many of my friends has lost their parents, I am so lucky to have both my parents still with me.  This year, however, they are on their farm in Georgia.  As much as I am missing spending Mother's Day with my mom, I'm okay with sharing her with my family there..... 

So today I will pay tribute to all mothers....everywhere!  If you are a mother, you know the sacrafices we go through to ensure our children are healthy and safe.  It also opens our eyes as to the sacrafices our mothers went through.  I remember as a teen, yelling at my mother that I would never be the kind of parent she was.  I saw varied emotions in her face.  It was almost a look of hurt, yet a look of uh huh.......that's what you think.  That phrase "mother knows best" always comes to mind.  Really mothers do know best.  It's like God gave us that special touch to know just what our children need, and to have the insight into the future.  Yep......my mom knew I would end up parenting similar.  There are things that she did that I would not do to this day....but I have a special needs child.  Life has been quite different than it would have been had my son been your average kid.....  I still find myself realizing I am more like my mother than I ever thought I would.  ;-)

I wish all of you moms a Happy Happy Mother's Day!  If you can.....give your mom a hug and kiss.  Spend time with your babies......  Life is so precious, embrace the day!  Enjoy it and pamper yourself too.  We all deserve that!

Peace!

Off my rocker.......

I really want to kick and scream.....  My life is good.  I am blessed.  I have my health, my friends and family, and for now a roof over my head, food to eat, and a car to drive.  But I need to have a moment......  I don't have a job.  No one is knocking on my door wanting to hire me to write or give me a book deal.  I am beginning to think I am a serial interviewee (if that is a real word).  I interview on a regular basis, but don't get hired.  I think I need a crash course in interview 101.  Either that or I need to go the route of finding a rich man who will support me.  Wait.......before you think I've gone off my rocker.  I am just venting.  I am doing it because I can.  Kind of like that old song, "It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want to!"  I am fast approaching 49.  Not that I'm getting old, but dang......  These law firms want fresh young college grads that they don't have to pay and are easy on the eyes.  It's true.  I have finally fallen into that rutt of being old in the work world, and it sucks!  Heck, maybe I have lost it.......  We shall see!  ;-)

Peace!

Go back to the beginning.....it's where it all started

I have blogged a lot about my relationships, love, and all kinds of craziness.  But it wasn't until recently when I was talking to a very dear friend who is having marital problems, that my mind started swirling about the whole love thing.

This friend has been married several years.  By all appearances, they had a good marriage.  Other than a few squabbles here and there, these two love each other and you know it.  So for her to tell me that their marriage was in trouble, I was shocked.  I know that they are trying counseling and she is in the fight for her life where her marriage is concerned.  When I asked her recently how things were going she said, they are better, just going slow.  She said it's like starting all over again......the getting to know each other, etc.  I asked if that was a bad thing and she said no, it's like they are best friends.

So I started thinking...  If you truly love someone and the relationship ends without reason, can it be saved?  Can you go back to the roots of your relationship and start over?  Fall in love all over again?  I think so.....  Break-ups are the easy way out.  Divorces are more accessible and people literally give up too fast.  I believe in love.  True love is worth fighting for.  Even if it means going back to the beginning.  If you start to go different directions, go back to where it all began.  Take the time to re-examine the little things.  The silly new love stuff.  The awkwardness, goofy things.....  The long looks, the first kisses, the first time you made love.  Become friends.....best friends.  The moments that took your breath away.

I think my whole approach has been wrong....imagine that!  I am sure this is not the last that you will hear from me on this.  It's on my mind these days.  ;-)

Peace!

Juggling this and Juggling that.......

So the new blog is up and going.....  It's doing well.  I love writing about my experiences with my child.  I am also actively seeking steady employment.  It's been rough! 

I'm not proud to say it, but I finally hit rock bottom.  I mean, I really bottomed out!  A bring me to my knees with hysteria.  I haven't been that low since I lost my grandma over 10 years ago.  After it was all said and done on Friday, I had a lot of repenting to do.  I was very embarassed and actually afraid to pray.  I thought, how on earth can God forgive me for this breakdown.  I felt like such a failure and wanted to blame someone other than taking responsibility for myself.  I knew I was at that point that if I allowed myself to cry I would never stop.  I was right on target there.  I scared my child and I scared myself.  I knew I had to pray.  I did......and a guardian angel here on earth came to the rescue for Ryan and myself.  I am truly blessed.  Keeping the faith is key.  Never doubting that the Lord will fail me.

I am back on top, and I'm feeling better emotionally.  I feel like I have been all over the place with my writing here.  But it has been so therapeutic for me.  I love to write, and as I've said before......it's all about ME!  It's the only place I can be real.  I don't have to worry about offending others or stepping on toes.  This is about me and only me.  As it's said.....I'm just sayin'.

At the end of this day, life is good!

Peace!

Follow me here too.......

As I mentioned before I have been working on a new blog.  I invite you to follow me there too.......

http://suzandryan.blogspot.com/

I hope you will enjoy it!