Child Focus

So I have been working on getting my new blog up and going.  Once I am finished and begin a new journey, I will share the link for those of you who want to follow.  My son Ryan and I have reached the place in our life that we are ready to share our stories.  I am very excited about this new adventure because I am very passionate about the cause of Autism and all the disorders on the spectrum, Asperger's Syndrome being the one my son was diagnosed with approximately 5 years ago.  I love my child and want to bring awareness....especially for the adults on the spectrum.  I will still be here blogging about my personal ups and downs too!  So thank you for hanging with me......you guys inspire me!

Peace!

"Army Wives"

I love the show "Army Wives."  I honestly believe I would have been a great army wife.  My ex-beau who stole my heart and won't give it back is retired military.  He is the first and only army guy I ever dated.  Military men are different.  I think the discipline and structure is good.  I also had a pen pal when I was in high school.  He was friends with one of my aunts and cousins.  I cannot remember his name, but we wrote faithfully.  I used to be so excited when I would get a letter from him.  I would always respond immediately.....  But this tv show just keeps me on the edge of the sofa.  Gotta love it!

Peace!

B**ch Fest

I do a lot of inspirationals and share stories on my Facebook page.  However, when I am having a bad day or just don't feel like being nice, I can't post it there.  My family jumps on that.  To them I am being a little less than "christian" like.  Or, I am being ungrateful.  It is assumed that I am not praying or letting the Lord take care of things.  I pray......every day.  I give praise to God.  No one can know what we have personally going on in our hearts.  My relationship with God is personal.  It's between him and me.  My friends and family know I am a christian.  I don't back down from that for anyone.  My friends respect that.  Even the ones who are uncertain or just don't believe.  I witness to them.  I am judged more by my family who go to church and are very outspoken about their christianity.  I just let it be.

I am a very spiritual person, and I have a tremendous faith in God.  But I am human too.  I have good days, I have bad days, and I have days that I feel like BLAH!  My life is not perfect, I have more bad hair days than not.  My weight sucks!  I am not rich by no means......and I wish I could catch that one big break.  I have scream fests with my adult Aspie son.  I cry and cry sometimes, until I feel like I will just dry up.  My once spotless house looks lived in now.  I suffer from heartbreak.  This has nothing to do with my faith.  Because I know that where I am is right where God intended for me to be.  This is my life.  I can vent about whatever I want to.  Right?  If I want to follow my heart and do what makes me happy.......  I can do that.  Because at the end of the day it's my life and the only one I have to answer to is the big guy upstairs.  ;-)

Whew......  I feel a little better!

Peace!

Let's go Gamestop hopping....

Time flies when you're having fun I guess.....  I took yesterday to spend with my kid.  We got out and went Gamestop hopping, as I like to call it.  We start at one spot and hop around to the different Gamestops.  My kid is a connoisseur of gaming.  He knows something about everything.  It is very easy for me to become hermit or homebody if I am not working.  I shouldn't be like that, and I promised myself I would start working on image and appearance.  Well, I hit a patch of depression last week.  As if it didn't show in my writing.  So when I am like this, my poor kid suffers.  Being the charmer he is, usually when we go Gamestop hopping he always tells me when we're finished he will go look wherever I want to look.  lol  So that is what we did yesterday.......ALL day long!!  I was exhausted.  Now I am trying to shake the blues so I can jump back into things and move on past all of this depression stuff.  I am better than this.  As it's been said.....  "tomorrow is a brand new day."  And, I plan to make the most of it.

Peace!

My purpose in life

So this morning I was having a conversation with a very dear friend.  Actually she was my very best friend in 6th grade.  She was checking in with me to see how I was doing and how my job hunting was going.  As our conversation went on, I told her that I pray and trust that God will not let me down.  He has carried me so many times, but I feel like what I have been going through is only the tip of the ice burg, and it is a stepping stone to bigger and better things.  I truly believe that.  I have always been safe, and done the right thing.  I don't do change well, can be extreme at times, but for the most part I am stable.  I have lived in the same house for over 20 years, I worked at one job for 12 years, another for 2 years, and so on.  I just feel like now, something is pushing in the direction I should be going.  It's definitley not safe, and there are no guarantees.  But, even being safe does not bring guarantees.  I am chasing possibilities, believing that God's plan for me is bigger and better than anything I could have ever imagined, and things are going to be okay.  Is there any other way?

Peace!

Bouncing back again.......

Wow.....  Did this day get away from me or what??  If it's not my kid, it's my dog.  If it's not my dog, it's my kid!  Last night my Ryan had a mini meltdown.  These always end the same way.  He screams at me and asks why I didn't have an abortion, and that I wish I had a normal healthy kid.  He now throws in that he knows that I secretly hate him.  I know this is all a part of his many disorders, but none the less it hurts.  I always feel that I have been placed in front of a firing squad, taken a few hits, and am expected to go on like the Energizer Bunny.  Well, it's not easy dammit!  Abortion was NEVER an option for me.  I fought with all my 20+1 year old ass had in me.  The circustances surrounding my pregnancy (which I blogged on earlier) were not the way any woman would want to get pregnant, but I wanted my baby.  I knew early on it would be high risk, but hey....I'm a risk taker.  I dug my heels in, and even with the puking my guts up morning, noon and night, and bleeding the whole time....  I wanted my baby.  He has been my world.....he still is my world.  I understand that due to his Aspergers that he does not process things like me.  He doesn't sympathize or empathize.  It's all cut and dry, black and white with him.  My heart breaks....  If he only knew and could understand my love for him is unconditional, and I could never imagine my life without him in it.  So when things like this happen it takes me a little while to bounce back.  My life as Ryan's mom is not easy.....but it is rewarding and fulfilling.  Even when life isn't good, it is......

Peace!

Loneliness

I have been single for 20+ years.  I have done being alone very well.  Recently though, I am not doing being alone very well.  Last night I actually felt lonely.  I have reached the point that I think I can honestly say, I am ready for a relationship.  I think this is why I am so over thinking this whole dating thing.  If you have read my earlier blogs then you know I do not have a successful track record where relationships and marriages are concerned, but I am ready to try again.  I just want to make sure it is right.  I know there are no guarantees, but I have parents, siblings and friends who have long term marriages.  It can be done.  I am ready to be domestic.  I'm not very good at it, but I will take cooking lessons and whatever I need to do.  I want to be that supportive girlfriend or wife.  I want to be there for my significant other.  I want him to be there for me.  I want to build a future with the right man......I just don't know where to start!  I will now over think this I'm sure.....

Peace!